I am 33w4d pregnant. I've been in the hospital for 63 days and my c-section is in 4 days.
Pretty pathetic that I'm actually counting down the hours isn't it? It's 6pm, so about 92 hours left... yeah, it's that serious.
A lot of adjectives come to mind when I think about how I'm feeling: anxious, excited, nervous, scared, happy, unrealistic, uncertain. Looking back, I can barely believe that I have been in this hospital for two whole months. I understand that I'm gonna be Marino's mom in a few days, but it doesn't seem real. This entire hospital stay I have been so focused on going home, and I still feel like that is my focus. Sure the NST's look great, but that doesn't say much about how the baby is going to be, and I am very scared to feel excited about something that may not be garunteed.
I had an ultrasound yesterday and the technician said he weighs 3lbs 15oz. I'm not quite sure how accurate their readings are, but that seems to me to be a little small considering how far along I am. I thought most babies at this point were past the 4lb mark. I know Marino can't go home until he is 4lbs and considering babies lose a few ounces after they are born, he might just have to stay in the hospital for a few days. I don't really look at this as a bad thing. If he stays I can actually go shopping for him and be prepared. I just want everything to be ok with him though. I don't want him to have breathing problems or have cerebral palsy. Yesterday Ted & I were watching one of those baby shows and this lady had a baby who's one hand didn't form because of the way the baby was lying in her pelvis. The thought definitely freaked Ted out (it also scared me, but I didn't want to let on) because the baby is laying sideways in my stomach. What if the toes or fingers on his hands or feet didn't form correctly? I know the doctor said clubbed hands or feet are a possibility and that those things can be fixed, but it doesn't make me any more prepared for that possibility. Ted finally brought up the subject of adoption after that tv show, asking under what pretenses I'd want to give a baby up for adoption. And I said if he had needs so bad that he'd never be able to walk or had severe brain impairment, or would have to wear a diaper his whole life. I mean those things wouldn't make me say "that's it, I can't care for him," but in reality certain things would be out of our financial spectrum and out of my ability to be patient. Regardless of any problems, I'm going to love my child and I would want for it to be an open adoption where I could see him as much as possible, or maybe place him in the care of a facility where I could visit him and take him home with me on weekends and holidays. But I would never want to feel like I'm abandoning my child and those options make me feel that way. I was surprised though at how shallow Ted was about the situation. He was like "you can't do shit in life without hands," as if he didn't hear the doctors on tv say the problem was fixable... as if prostetics aren't available. Sometime's it makes me mad because he acts as if the only careers in life are either athletic or in the entertainment industry. I think he is just scared though as well.
It is cute to see Ted do a lot of things I did when I was pregnant with Triston. He put together the pack n play he has at his house and cleaned his bedroom. He asked what he should buy from the store before Monday. My parents have also FINALLY gone to my house and done a little cleaning for me, which I totally appreciate. Apparently, parts of my apartment have been painted since I've been gone. He also thought about throwing a party a week or two after Triston's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese so we could celebrate Triston's birthday and also invite people to come and meet the new baby. I was really surprised how thoughtful he was to think of something for fun Triston and that included both kids. At first I was like "No, I don't want any parties, I'm too tired, I don't have the money, etc" but once he mentioned the idea and how it would include both kids i thought it was really nice.
Even though a lot of my feelings and emotions have changed, I don't feel guilty for the things I've thought and said over the last few months. The resentment, the guilt, the anger, the inability to understand... all of those thinsg were fueled by hormones, and frankly a depression that came with not only have an unexpected pregnancy but having to stay in a hospital for two months. I don't care anymore about the mean and insensitive things that people have said. No one can know how I feel being here, even if they've been in a similar situation. My situation in unique, everyone's situation is unique, so you can't tell me how to think and feel. I knew those feelings were superficial. I've felt love for this kid the second I found out I was pregnant. I felt love for Triston the second I found out I was pregnant with him but there doesn't mean there have been times in the last two years where I haven't thought about what my life would be like without him or there haven't been times where I've gotten mad at him irrationally and said things I didn't mean.
Today, right now at this very moment, I feel kind of blah. It's funny because part of me would STILL like to go into labor before Monday, but I know it's not worth trying any silly antics. Silly me keeps looking at the clock thinking that it might actually just stop at any moment and I'll be stuck here forever. I actually got used to this hospital routine. All those things I longed for- shopping and being at home, cleaning, seeing friends, going out- I feel like I have to learn to do those all again. And now the complication of trying to do those things around Ted's schedule, or with two kids on board will just make things all the more difficult. I do plan to get my hair done before Ted goes back to work though. One thing I actually understand is that "pampering myself" with manicure's & pedicure's & quiet shopping trips the way I did when it was just Triston will be much more few and far between. So yes, I definitely think I deserve to go get my hair done before Ted goes back to work. Not only will it make me feel good about myself, but cutting a few inches off will make doing my hair a lot easier with two little kids around. Besides that I just worry about how I'm actually going to buy groceries, or get my DHS benefits straightened out.
I might not post again for a while. Maybe I will one more time on Saturday before Marino is born. I am planning a busy day Sunday. I'm going to take the world's longest shower and shave (so that I can hopefully get in a few weeks without shaving once I get home), do a facial, paint my nails, visit with my parents and then visit with Kristal- who is going to straighten my hair. And of course Ted will be up here and I plan to catch my Sunday TV lineup (which I thoroughly enjoy) from 8-11, because I doubt I'll catch it. I also plan to eat a hardy meal close to midnight, considering I'll be going on a very strict, healthy diet starting that very next day. I really want to post about Marino's outcome (good or bad) but I may be very busy and might not get around to it for a while. I'm sure this is no big deal considering I'm probably the only person in cyberspace who reads this blog anyway, but I feel it's important. If someone dealing with oligohydramnios, pprom, or hospital bed rest stumbles upon this, it'll help give them perspective. So with that, I'm signing off!
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