...

Today I'm 30w2d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 40 days.

I've come so far but yet it feels like I have so long to go.

Ted has to leave the state for training for his job on August 29th. If I make it to 34 weeks that was going to be the day they'd perform the c-section according to the one high risk doctor. Ugh. **But** I got lucky. I asked one of the other high risk doctors and when I mentioned I'd be 34 weeks on a Sunday I said the other doctor said my c-section would be Monday. He immediately jumped in and said "Or the Friday before". This made me so happy for obviously more than one reason. First I didn't have to even explain the fact that Ted might not even be there to see his first child being born. Secondly that shaves a whole 3 days off my hospital stay. I'm still trying to be a negative Nancy and pretend as if I have a whole 27 days left... but it may only be 24! And despite this small victory it still seems so far away!

Today I've had lots of back and abdominal pain, but I'm sitting in the bed you would in a lay-z boy recliner and I'm wondering if that's causing the back pain. Yet I continue to sit this way as if it'll induce labor. I had an ultrasound today and my poor baby seems so squished in there. I just want him to come already. I just want to be introduced back into the real world. I try to spend a ridiculous amount of time being active with Triston hoping it'll trigger labor and it never does. I know I still need to be patient and wait but I am so sick of being pregnant and I'm so sick of being here. I hate being pregnant, I don't want more kids after this, but I really don't want my tubes tied... I think maybe someday down the road I may want one more. (ugh I could kick myself for saying that). I'd like to keep my vanity for a few more years in the mean time.

Anyway Kristal visited today. It was nice having someone come. It passed some of the time and the day is almost done with now. I still feel relentlessly depressed and hopeless though. I want to cry but it's like I'm devoid of real emotion. To me that's what real depression is- not being able to feel real emotion. Just feeling listless.

So that's that for the day. I really just wanted to share with the world that it may only be 24 days left instead of 27. I hope for 24. Really I hope I'm out of here much sooner. I keep putting my hands on my belly and try to send positive energy to my fetus to head towards the light at the end of my vagina. It's not working though. Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I just stopped trying.