I've made it to 30 weeks! Been in the hospital for 38 days (which BLOWS), but I only have 4 weeks until my c-section!
Finally, less than 30 days. It'd be August 29th to be exact, so it's more like 29 days instead of 28, but I plan to have that c-section scheduled for FIRST thing that morning. And then of course about 48 days to recover but at least everything will be all over with. Today my parents are going to bring up Triston and my favorite show, Breaking Bad, is on so hopefully the day will go somewhat quickly.
So the bleeding completely disappeared. Last night I leaked a LOT of fluid. Or at least it seemed like a lot. Everything is back to boring normal though. I guess there's only like 3 other people staying on the floor right now. When I think about it sometimes I'm feel how come I couldn't have been the one to go into labor. I think God wants this baby to keep cooking. I really am starting to think that's he's gonna be perfectly healthy. I'm still trying NOT to get my hopes up, but at the same time it really seems like there has to be a reason I'm here for so long. It has to pay off in some sense. I think if God didn't want this baby to make it, I would have lost him long ago. By the way, I believe his name is going to be Marino. I'm not all that fond of that name, but hopefully it will fit our little boy and I'll grow to like it more. It's definitely better than some of the other names Ted came up with, so I'm dealing with it.
Bed rest has taken a horrible toll on me. I don't even want to get out of bed, it's completely zapped my energy. I got up this morning and tried to do a little light stretching and I probably stretched for all of a minute, maybe two. It's like I have energy inside of me, but I can't translate it to physical energy.
I downloaded a texting program that gives you a different phone number so I could text my ex. This was a bad idea because it just makes me angry. He wants to "see" his son before he leaves. "See" him as if he's some cousin or other relative that you only visit a few times a year, or a favorite tourist spot. If I were in his position I would do everything in my power to be with my kid. If I wasn't with Triston I would be constantly on Friend of the Court's head to set up court dates. I would make VOLUNTARY support payments and document them to show what a stellar job I'm doing. I would make a routine of calling and sending gifts and trying to connect with my child. Most importantly I would swallow my pride and do everything in my power NOT to be a dickwad to the other parent.
I wonder if Triston will have a hard time growing up. I wonder if it'll hurt him that Ted is Marino's biological father and not his father. Like I wonder if he'll resent not having his real father around. I really hope not. I know Ted's not the type who's going to favor his real kid over Triston. I mean obviously the type of love will be different in a sense, but he's not gonna be the type to buy Marino something and not get anything for Triston. Or the type to dote on Marino and treat Triston like crap.
And the countdown continues....
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Symptoms I've been having
So today I am 29w6d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 5w1d, and I'd say I have an approximate 98% of going into labor this week.
Reading my previous posts I had said "I feel something is going to happen during week 29" and it did. Yesterday (Friday) at like 2:45 I got up to pee and noticed the fluid on my pad had a pink tint to it, and there was also a pink tint when I wiped. I got so excited! I knew it was probably nothing because I've read about a lot of pprom patients bleeding, but I was like finally something to report to the doctors. So when I got up to pee again around 4:45am a good amount of blood (like a little trickle) dripped into the toilet so I went and told the nurse. Plus I had been lying (elevated) on my back and had two contractions within like 10 minutes. They hooked me up to the monitor and put an IV in my arm. While I was on the monitor I had like 3 more contractions (although I think the monitor only picked up one of them, so maybe I'm crazy). The doctors weren't concerned, and neither really was I. The bleeding quickly stopped.
I'm wondering though if I'm having symptoms of pre-labor- the signs that show labor will start in a few days or within a week or two. First I've been super tired lately. I mean no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still exhausted. Secondly, I don't have an appetite. I feel like I'm forcing myself to eat. Also I've experienced more back pain. It does come and go, but it seems like it's happening more often and is more intense, along with feeling like the baby is even lower and is causing me to have cramps. Then yesterday I got up to pee and it felt like my left hip/leg was about to give out on me. It didn't even strike me as odd until I read a threat where someone mentioned that happening to them. I remember a few days before I went into labor with Triston I felt like my leg was constantly going to go out on me. Now I'm wondering if that blood I had could have been my bloody show. I mean I've been losing my mucus plug for like two and a half weeks so maybe there was just very little mucus mixed with the blood....
I didn't bleed at all today. I mean I don't feel like I'm going into labor right now, but I feel like it's going to happen probably between 31-32 weeks like I predicted. EVERYTHING else has come true to the point where I'm wondering if my increased estrogen has caused a temporary psychic experience (that's a joke). I also read online mood swings can also be a sign. I've been getting super irritated with Ted lately. Not causing arguments, but just in general being like why is he so stubborn? Like I asked him to get off the hospital bed last night so I could go to sleep and he just sat there for like another five minutes, and I was so irritated because I had to ask him like 4 more times. Anyway, I'm pretty much STRUGGLING to write this. Despite my 10 hours to sleep and a cappaccino I feel like I'm about to pass out. I think I'm about to take a nap.
Reading my previous posts I had said "I feel something is going to happen during week 29" and it did. Yesterday (Friday) at like 2:45 I got up to pee and noticed the fluid on my pad had a pink tint to it, and there was also a pink tint when I wiped. I got so excited! I knew it was probably nothing because I've read about a lot of pprom patients bleeding, but I was like finally something to report to the doctors. So when I got up to pee again around 4:45am a good amount of blood (like a little trickle) dripped into the toilet so I went and told the nurse. Plus I had been lying (elevated) on my back and had two contractions within like 10 minutes. They hooked me up to the monitor and put an IV in my arm. While I was on the monitor I had like 3 more contractions (although I think the monitor only picked up one of them, so maybe I'm crazy). The doctors weren't concerned, and neither really was I. The bleeding quickly stopped.
I'm wondering though if I'm having symptoms of pre-labor- the signs that show labor will start in a few days or within a week or two. First I've been super tired lately. I mean no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still exhausted. Secondly, I don't have an appetite. I feel like I'm forcing myself to eat. Also I've experienced more back pain. It does come and go, but it seems like it's happening more often and is more intense, along with feeling like the baby is even lower and is causing me to have cramps. Then yesterday I got up to pee and it felt like my left hip/leg was about to give out on me. It didn't even strike me as odd until I read a threat where someone mentioned that happening to them. I remember a few days before I went into labor with Triston I felt like my leg was constantly going to go out on me. Now I'm wondering if that blood I had could have been my bloody show. I mean I've been losing my mucus plug for like two and a half weeks so maybe there was just very little mucus mixed with the blood....
I didn't bleed at all today. I mean I don't feel like I'm going into labor right now, but I feel like it's going to happen probably between 31-32 weeks like I predicted. EVERYTHING else has come true to the point where I'm wondering if my increased estrogen has caused a temporary psychic experience (that's a joke). I also read online mood swings can also be a sign. I've been getting super irritated with Ted lately. Not causing arguments, but just in general being like why is he so stubborn? Like I asked him to get off the hospital bed last night so I could go to sleep and he just sat there for like another five minutes, and I was so irritated because I had to ask him like 4 more times. Anyway, I'm pretty much STRUGGLING to write this. Despite my 10 hours to sleep and a cappaccino I feel like I'm about to pass out. I think I'm about to take a nap.
Triston playing in the hospital closet
Thursday, July 28, 2011
29&4
Today I am 29w4ds pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 35 days and have 31 days left of bed rest. I want a time machine, so I can just fast forward to August 29th. That would be marvelous.
I'm feeling quite down today. Not as bad as last week where I cried for two days straight. I just feel incredibly bored, incredibly out of control. Incredibly pale... I'm fair skinned as it is, but I don't think I've ever been this sun deprived in my life. My legs look see-through. I'm also insanely tired today. I slept from my normal 11-10:30ish... tried laying down for almost 2hrs from 3-5, yet I am still exhausted. I think I'm about to lay back down.
I'm to the point where I'm done trying to find ways to entertain myself. I'm past the knitting, and reading stages. I literally just want to sleep or watch tv. I'm not interested in doing anything else. I'm really not even interested in visitors at this point. What depresses me the most is that there are times when I don't even want to see or think about Triston. Maybe because seeing or thinking about him makes me more sad, but I feel insanely guilty for having these feelings. Yesterday Ted brought him up here to visit. They were here for about 6.5 hours and literally after 2 hours I was already exhausted. After Ted "yelled" at him to stop doing something he came to me (this is around 5:30) and I picked him up and his little exhausted butt fell asleep in my arms. Now he's done this a million times in my two years of mommy-hood, but this to me was so amazing. I think sometimes I worry that my son will forget I'm his mother, or prefers his grandparents over me and it felt so good that he felt safe enough to fall asleep in my arms at the scary hospital. I laid him on the hospital bed and I laid down too, but even though I was tired I couldn't fall asleep. I just wanted to watch him. I haven't seen my baby sleep in forever. And I honestly think that made me more depressed cuz I miss him terribly.
I just wish I could have an exciting pregnancy. This is all too boring. I have reported "no changes" to the doctors for 35 days. In fact I'm too the point where I'm starting to think unless something happens to me more than once, it's not important to tell them (I mean unless it's something obvious like green discharge or bleeding). Once today, when I peed, I got this horrible pain in my cervix. So bad that my back immediately straightened and I had to stop peeing. I told the doctor and she wasn't concerned at all, so I felt really stupid. It just sucks being on bedrest with nothing exciting happening. I know it's good for the baby, but it's making this experience very daunting. On top of it I hate being pregnant. I'm narcissistic, I won't lie. I'm one of those people who love taking pictures of myself whenever I put on some makeup and cute outfits, and want to post those pics on facebook so people know how much more incredibly desirable I am compared to themselves. And you can't do that when you're pregnant. Your fat when you're pregnant, your face gets bigger, your skin looks horrible, your hair is unmanageable, and even the cutest of maternity clothes aren't cute. I think I could tolerate being somewhat hideous for 9 months if I could leave my room... but I can't. What's worse is that the first thing I want to do when I get out of here is go out with my friends. What a dumb and irrational thing for me to want to do! I know it'll probably be MONTHS before I can go out with my friends, but that's all I can picture doing is getting dressed up in a hot outfit and putting on my make up and doing my hair and going out. That's really why I didn't want a second child in the first place. With Triston I was able to be a kick ass mom and still go out every 1-2 weeks without feeling like I was neglectful or putting myself before him. I was able to buy myself the things I wanted without having to sacrifice the things he needs (trust me my son has more toys than a day care center). Now I worry about being able to buy even the simplest things I want- the body wash I want, the lotion I want, the make up I want, let alone clothes. I worry about being able to afford daycare/babysitting, which means how would I come up with left over money to go out- hire a babysitter, pay to get in wherever. I don't even have a large circle of friends, I only have a few, so who says on the rare occasions that I may be able to step out they'll even be available?
This is all so selfish. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be excited about having two kids, about Triston having a brother, about me having a real COMPLETE family. I just really don't want to give up my independence. Part of me feels like having two kids means I have to give up wanting to look cute and stay in shape. I feel like I can't have a life of my own because I have to dedicate it to my kids. Am I wrong for wanting a life of my own? I worry about all the things I still wanted to do, that I probably wouldn't have been able to do even with Triston, but that seem even more impossible with two kids- going to Vegas, going to LA, going to NYC. I mean even simple hobbies like participating in Fashion shows and photoshoots seem pretty impossible now. I hate to sound so selfish, but it's how I feel. I worry that since the baby will have to be in the NICU for a while that I won't develop a bond with him and that I won't grow to love him, that my resentment will continue. That I'll be like "yeah I was right I shouldn't have had kids." I don't want to feel that way. I want to be happy but right now I'm really not.
I'm feeling quite down today. Not as bad as last week where I cried for two days straight. I just feel incredibly bored, incredibly out of control. Incredibly pale... I'm fair skinned as it is, but I don't think I've ever been this sun deprived in my life. My legs look see-through. I'm also insanely tired today. I slept from my normal 11-10:30ish... tried laying down for almost 2hrs from 3-5, yet I am still exhausted. I think I'm about to lay back down.
I'm to the point where I'm done trying to find ways to entertain myself. I'm past the knitting, and reading stages. I literally just want to sleep or watch tv. I'm not interested in doing anything else. I'm really not even interested in visitors at this point. What depresses me the most is that there are times when I don't even want to see or think about Triston. Maybe because seeing or thinking about him makes me more sad, but I feel insanely guilty for having these feelings. Yesterday Ted brought him up here to visit. They were here for about 6.5 hours and literally after 2 hours I was already exhausted. After Ted "yelled" at him to stop doing something he came to me (this is around 5:30) and I picked him up and his little exhausted butt fell asleep in my arms. Now he's done this a million times in my two years of mommy-hood, but this to me was so amazing. I think sometimes I worry that my son will forget I'm his mother, or prefers his grandparents over me and it felt so good that he felt safe enough to fall asleep in my arms at the scary hospital. I laid him on the hospital bed and I laid down too, but even though I was tired I couldn't fall asleep. I just wanted to watch him. I haven't seen my baby sleep in forever. And I honestly think that made me more depressed cuz I miss him terribly.
I just wish I could have an exciting pregnancy. This is all too boring. I have reported "no changes" to the doctors for 35 days. In fact I'm too the point where I'm starting to think unless something happens to me more than once, it's not important to tell them (I mean unless it's something obvious like green discharge or bleeding). Once today, when I peed, I got this horrible pain in my cervix. So bad that my back immediately straightened and I had to stop peeing. I told the doctor and she wasn't concerned at all, so I felt really stupid. It just sucks being on bedrest with nothing exciting happening. I know it's good for the baby, but it's making this experience very daunting. On top of it I hate being pregnant. I'm narcissistic, I won't lie. I'm one of those people who love taking pictures of myself whenever I put on some makeup and cute outfits, and want to post those pics on facebook so people know how much more incredibly desirable I am compared to themselves. And you can't do that when you're pregnant. Your fat when you're pregnant, your face gets bigger, your skin looks horrible, your hair is unmanageable, and even the cutest of maternity clothes aren't cute. I think I could tolerate being somewhat hideous for 9 months if I could leave my room... but I can't. What's worse is that the first thing I want to do when I get out of here is go out with my friends. What a dumb and irrational thing for me to want to do! I know it'll probably be MONTHS before I can go out with my friends, but that's all I can picture doing is getting dressed up in a hot outfit and putting on my make up and doing my hair and going out. That's really why I didn't want a second child in the first place. With Triston I was able to be a kick ass mom and still go out every 1-2 weeks without feeling like I was neglectful or putting myself before him. I was able to buy myself the things I wanted without having to sacrifice the things he needs (trust me my son has more toys than a day care center). Now I worry about being able to buy even the simplest things I want- the body wash I want, the lotion I want, the make up I want, let alone clothes. I worry about being able to afford daycare/babysitting, which means how would I come up with left over money to go out- hire a babysitter, pay to get in wherever. I don't even have a large circle of friends, I only have a few, so who says on the rare occasions that I may be able to step out they'll even be available?
This is all so selfish. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be excited about having two kids, about Triston having a brother, about me having a real COMPLETE family. I just really don't want to give up my independence. Part of me feels like having two kids means I have to give up wanting to look cute and stay in shape. I feel like I can't have a life of my own because I have to dedicate it to my kids. Am I wrong for wanting a life of my own? I worry about all the things I still wanted to do, that I probably wouldn't have been able to do even with Triston, but that seem even more impossible with two kids- going to Vegas, going to LA, going to NYC. I mean even simple hobbies like participating in Fashion shows and photoshoots seem pretty impossible now. I hate to sound so selfish, but it's how I feel. I worry that since the baby will have to be in the NICU for a while that I won't develop a bond with him and that I won't grow to love him, that my resentment will continue. That I'll be like "yeah I was right I shouldn't have had kids." I don't want to feel that way. I want to be happy but right now I'm really not.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Half Way Point
Today I am 29w2d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 33 days and I have 33 days until my c-section.
As much as I want it to be over, less than five weeks until the baby arrives seems SOOOOO soon. It's like time is moving so slow, yet it's moving at light speed at the same time.
The last two days I have been leaking like crazy! I took ambien the last two nights in a row, and I've been leaking so much that I started wondering if I was peeing on myself in my sleep. But I think I'd be able to smell the difference. I've also noticed an increase in Braxton Hicks contractions. I don't think they are real contractions though because they aren't starting from my back, but they seem to last for quite some time. About two weeks ago I posted that I thought something would happen during week 29, so I guess we will have to wait the week out and see what happens.
So I just ate a third of a cake. Totally regretting that now. I have gas pains in the back on my rib cage (at least I'm assuming they're gas pains). It was delicious, I can't deny it. I'm trying to enjoy my sweets now. Before I knew I was pregnant I was on a horribly strict diet. I lost about 15lbs between January and May on my diet. Obviously had I known I was pregnant I wouldn't have been dieting, but it makes me wonder if I lost 15lbs while pregnant, how much would I have lost if I wasn't pregnant? In fact, I was getting so fit that I honestly thought I'd be able to wear a bikini this summer.... even with a 4 month baby bump that I didn't know was a bump. So yes, a strict diet once this baby arrives that excludes sugar, most carbs, red meat, liquor, and involves exercise and breast pumping. I've gained 25lbs so far (and hopefully won't gain anything else over the next five weeks) and I'm hoping to take it off in record time. I have a friend who looks better now after having a second child then she has the entire time I've ever known her, so I totally have faith I can do it. Until then, I'm enjoying my first love, chocolate.
Ted's parents came to visit me today. I don't know them all that well so visiting them is SO freaking awkward. I am a shy person until you get to know me. Normally I can do well if I'm around someone who's naturally talkative, but Ted's mom is also very shy and quiet like me so it's almost impossible to find something to talk about when she's around. Then Ted's dad is very loud and is the type that everything he says is fact... like I'm totally terrified to disagree with anything he has to say. It's funny cuz he's like "Ted doesn't buy Christmas or birthday presents." Just because YOU didn't celebrate holidays when your children were young, doesn't mean Ted won't. I didn't even want to tell him that he had bought Triston a christmas present.... Plus the first thing he asked when they came was "Are you and Ted getting married?" Like way to put pressure on me. Then instead of suggesting they would be leaving soon and lingering for a few minutes it was like "Well, ready to leave?" and like got up and practically walked out of the room. Soooooo awkward! The ONLY thing I miss about my ex's family is that they were always so easy to talk to. But an alcoholic is always going to be easy to talk to lol.
Anyway that's my boring update for now. Nothing new to report.
As much as I want it to be over, less than five weeks until the baby arrives seems SOOOOO soon. It's like time is moving so slow, yet it's moving at light speed at the same time.
The last two days I have been leaking like crazy! I took ambien the last two nights in a row, and I've been leaking so much that I started wondering if I was peeing on myself in my sleep. But I think I'd be able to smell the difference. I've also noticed an increase in Braxton Hicks contractions. I don't think they are real contractions though because they aren't starting from my back, but they seem to last for quite some time. About two weeks ago I posted that I thought something would happen during week 29, so I guess we will have to wait the week out and see what happens.
So I just ate a third of a cake. Totally regretting that now. I have gas pains in the back on my rib cage (at least I'm assuming they're gas pains). It was delicious, I can't deny it. I'm trying to enjoy my sweets now. Before I knew I was pregnant I was on a horribly strict diet. I lost about 15lbs between January and May on my diet. Obviously had I known I was pregnant I wouldn't have been dieting, but it makes me wonder if I lost 15lbs while pregnant, how much would I have lost if I wasn't pregnant? In fact, I was getting so fit that I honestly thought I'd be able to wear a bikini this summer.... even with a 4 month baby bump that I didn't know was a bump. So yes, a strict diet once this baby arrives that excludes sugar, most carbs, red meat, liquor, and involves exercise and breast pumping. I've gained 25lbs so far (and hopefully won't gain anything else over the next five weeks) and I'm hoping to take it off in record time. I have a friend who looks better now after having a second child then she has the entire time I've ever known her, so I totally have faith I can do it. Until then, I'm enjoying my first love, chocolate.
Ted's parents came to visit me today. I don't know them all that well so visiting them is SO freaking awkward. I am a shy person until you get to know me. Normally I can do well if I'm around someone who's naturally talkative, but Ted's mom is also very shy and quiet like me so it's almost impossible to find something to talk about when she's around. Then Ted's dad is very loud and is the type that everything he says is fact... like I'm totally terrified to disagree with anything he has to say. It's funny cuz he's like "Ted doesn't buy Christmas or birthday presents." Just because YOU didn't celebrate holidays when your children were young, doesn't mean Ted won't. I didn't even want to tell him that he had bought Triston a christmas present.... Plus the first thing he asked when they came was "Are you and Ted getting married?" Like way to put pressure on me. Then instead of suggesting they would be leaving soon and lingering for a few minutes it was like "Well, ready to leave?" and like got up and practically walked out of the room. Soooooo awkward! The ONLY thing I miss about my ex's family is that they were always so easy to talk to. But an alcoholic is always going to be easy to talk to lol.
Anyway that's my boring update for now. Nothing new to report.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
29 weeks
So today I am exactly 29 weeks pregnant, meaning I have exactly 5 weeks left until my c-section. I keep wishing there was some pill I could take to make the time pass by more quickly. Maybe I need to start begging people to come visit me because there is only so much tv watching and magazine reading one can do.
I had a total breakdown Friday night. I started thinking about how sad I feel at night that I'm here, and that I'm not at home where I can look in at Triston sleeping. I thought to myself, what if Triston feels sad the way I do every night when he goes to bed because mama hasn't come and picked him up and taken him home at night in so long? Triston has spent the night at my parents house before and at one of his little friend's house before... sometimes even two nights in a row, but never a whole month. I know my thoughts are somewhat irrational because a toddler can't think those things, but I know that there are times where he must be wondering where I am and how come I haven't been picking him up . I also know that once I'm back home for a week or so he won't even remember that he spent the whole summer at his grandparents.
Irregardless, I totally broke down crying. I kept asking God why is this happening to me? Am I being punished for this horrible "decision" I made earlier this year? I was sobbing my eyes out. The next day I still felt the same. I've been in this hospital a whole month and haven't had one real contraction, haven't had any bleeding, haven't had any sign of infection, and all of my NSTs have been great. I just felt like there was no reason to be here. I talked to the doctor about going home, and she was really understanding and she seemed very willing to help come up with a plan if I did decide to leave, but obviously the doctors can't discharge me, I'd have to sign myself out. So I spent the whole day crying again, uncontrollably, wondering what I should do. I felt really resentful toward this baby. I didn't want a second child when I found out I was pregnant. I finally came to terms with having another child, even began to feel happy about it and then I started having problems. Then I end up in the hospital. To be honest, while time feels like it's standing still in the hospital, this pregnancy has moved WAY to fast and I'm still in disbelief that in only five weeks I'll be having a second child. Eventually my feelings subsided and I realized it was very unrealistic to think I could go back home and single-handedly manage Triston. And today I've felt better but I do miss him terribly.
This is hands down, one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. When I was in a relationship with Boorah (the ex; the baby daddy) I got myself into a lot of trouble. When we first started dating it was the normal "I'm an adult now" rebellion- smoking weed, drinking alcohol, skipping college classes, blowing my savings. I got fed up with me financing all of our fun and me trying to get ahead with my life while he did absolutely nothing (no job, no GED, no drivers license) and we broke up for a while, but I couldn't completely withdraw from him; I think I was just at that age where I loved the drama and I wanted to be needed. When he moved to Kentucky, I followed. At first he worked and he held up his part of the agreement where he would pay rent and utilities while I would pay my normal bills (credit cards, car payment, insurance), and pay for groceries and a phone. And then he stopped working and I was trying to pay my rising bills along with the expenses he was responsible for. I ruined a 770 credit score. My few items worth money suddenly started getting "stolen" and I naively thought our apartment was getting repeatedly broken in to. (Now I obviously know he did it, I mean who's apartment gets broken into 3 times?). I did things like shoplift clothes, and I set my priorities on clubbing and would often call off work so I could stay home and drink and smoke weed. There was this older guy (talking like 30 years older than me) who was a little off in the head and had money and so I took advantage of his naive-ness and would ask him for a couple hundred dollars at the beginning of the month to help pay my bills in exchange for driving him around to pay his own bills and take him grocery shopping, etc. He'd also give Boorah the pain killers he was prescribed so he could sell them to make extra money. Of course he smartened up after about two months when he realized nothing more would accumulate from our friendship, and even though I technically did nothing wrong I felt horrible for taking advantage of someone who was trying to treat me with kindness.
A week after my 22 birthday things started to really go south. I had just financed yet another car (the last one the engine blew on, and I still had a loan out on it, but I lived in the country and had to have a car in order to get to the city) and two days later got a DUI. After getting out of jail I had to walk 2 miles in heels to spend my last $100 to get my car out of the impound. Then a week later Boorah got pulled over in my vehicle and it was impounded again. I had to spend the last $100 that was left on my last credit card. After that I couldnt even afford to make credit card payments anymore. I couldn't afford anything. We had to start buying prepaid cell phones. We were almost evicted out of our apartment and had to scrape up the money to pay two months worth of rent. I couldn't drive so it was almost impossible for me to get back and forth to work, and my priorities still weren't on working. I was buying things of value on my home depot credit card and then pawning them for cash to try to come up with rent money and of course because of my screwed up priorities we always needed a few dollars left over so we could get some weed and a beer. I had huge costs to pay off my DUI and get my license back.
Eventually we got evicted out of our apartment and had to go stay with Boorah's family. 6 people staying in a two bedroom townhouse.... When we would have the gas we would drive out to our old apartment to get the mail. One day a package arrived. It was checks from a bank, sent to the wrong address. I had no job, no money, no apartment. My car payment was overdue, so I really needed a job. Gas was over $4 a gallon, I really needed gas to try to get to and from interviews. So I used the girl's checks to fill up my gas tank, to buy pizza, to buy things I needed from family dollar. Every time I did it I felt horrible. I would go back to my ex's house and retreat into his sisters bedroom and stay there for hours as if the police would catch on that quickly and were going to come arrest me that day.
Eventually I found a job, but a month into it Boorah found out the police were looking for him for credit card fraud, so we moved back to Michigan the VERY NEXT DAY and I moved back with my parents. My mistakes caught up with me. Kentucky sent out my felony warrants to other states and when I found out they were looking for me I turned myself in and spent four days in a holding cell. I had to tell my parents what I had done. In addition to this my credit was so horrible, and I was in so much debt I had to file for bankruptcy. It's crazy how much my parents love me. They paid for my bankruptcy, paid for my lawyer, took me to and from Kentucky for court, helped pay for my court expenses. All of this happened while I was pregnant with Triston. The charges resulted in a diversion, so for two years I basically couldn't get any job that required a background check, but now I have nothing whatsoever on my record. During that time in my life I vowed to change for my son- I prayed to God that if he would let my son be ok and keep my out of jail I would turn my life around- and I really did. I finally returned to the person I was before I had began dating Boorah- a sweet, honest, ambitious, hard-working young lady.
What's really funny though is that while I was going through all this turmoil during my first pregnancy, I still stayed with my ex. My family and friends were so angry and so dumbfounded as to why I couldn't see that my Boorah was the cause of all my problems. I mean he wasn't the direct cause, but now when I look at it he did indirectly cause all of my problems. I made the decisions but they were all heavily persuaded by his threats. In fact, back in Michigan I continued to let him use my car and it got "stolen" while in his possession. At first I believed it was stolen, but then 2 weeks later it turned up only TWO blocks from my house. A car does NOT get stolen IN DETROIT and end up in the suburbs. It just doesn't happen. And yet I didn't acknowledge until after I broke up with him that he somehow had something to do with it being "stolen". He must have thought he could sell it "hot" to someone or have it "stripped" and then realized he couldn't and had someone dump it by my house. I wanted to make it work because I wanted Triston to have a father and for us to be a family. I wanted to feel like our 6 years together really meant something. It meant nothing. When I look back on our relationship now I can't say there was a single moment when I felt pure joy or happiness. Every fun time we had together I financed. He treated me like shit and never did anything for me.
The point of telling this whole story to the blog (which believe me was a very very shortened version. I'm sure I could write an entire book on this experience) was because that time period of my life (dealing with a possible felony on my record, going through bankruptcy, spending 4 days in jail while I was pregnant) was one of the most difficult of my life. And yet in all honesty, this is harder. The hospital is like a prison in itself. A plushy prison, but a long term sentence. Being separated from a child you love with all your heart is unbearable. And comparing this experience to all the bullshit I went through with my ex is the only way I can think of explaining to someone how hard this process is. Is to say look at what I went through- this is WORSE than that.
So anyway, now that I've written a huge blog entry, I'm kind of inspired. Maybe I will write about my experiences with my ex... maybe a fictional biography sort of way.... don't have shit else to do. What do you think?
(Ugh the culprit himself, my ex. As disgusted I am to post this I figure at least my readers can have an idea of who I'm talking about. This is maybe 1 of like 4 pictures I have left of him (can't bear to delete any picture with Triston in it))
I had a total breakdown Friday night. I started thinking about how sad I feel at night that I'm here, and that I'm not at home where I can look in at Triston sleeping. I thought to myself, what if Triston feels sad the way I do every night when he goes to bed because mama hasn't come and picked him up and taken him home at night in so long? Triston has spent the night at my parents house before and at one of his little friend's house before... sometimes even two nights in a row, but never a whole month. I know my thoughts are somewhat irrational because a toddler can't think those things, but I know that there are times where he must be wondering where I am and how come I haven't been picking him up . I also know that once I'm back home for a week or so he won't even remember that he spent the whole summer at his grandparents.
Irregardless, I totally broke down crying. I kept asking God why is this happening to me? Am I being punished for this horrible "decision" I made earlier this year? I was sobbing my eyes out. The next day I still felt the same. I've been in this hospital a whole month and haven't had one real contraction, haven't had any bleeding, haven't had any sign of infection, and all of my NSTs have been great. I just felt like there was no reason to be here. I talked to the doctor about going home, and she was really understanding and she seemed very willing to help come up with a plan if I did decide to leave, but obviously the doctors can't discharge me, I'd have to sign myself out. So I spent the whole day crying again, uncontrollably, wondering what I should do. I felt really resentful toward this baby. I didn't want a second child when I found out I was pregnant. I finally came to terms with having another child, even began to feel happy about it and then I started having problems. Then I end up in the hospital. To be honest, while time feels like it's standing still in the hospital, this pregnancy has moved WAY to fast and I'm still in disbelief that in only five weeks I'll be having a second child. Eventually my feelings subsided and I realized it was very unrealistic to think I could go back home and single-handedly manage Triston. And today I've felt better but I do miss him terribly.
This is hands down, one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. When I was in a relationship with Boorah (the ex; the baby daddy) I got myself into a lot of trouble. When we first started dating it was the normal "I'm an adult now" rebellion- smoking weed, drinking alcohol, skipping college classes, blowing my savings. I got fed up with me financing all of our fun and me trying to get ahead with my life while he did absolutely nothing (no job, no GED, no drivers license) and we broke up for a while, but I couldn't completely withdraw from him; I think I was just at that age where I loved the drama and I wanted to be needed. When he moved to Kentucky, I followed. At first he worked and he held up his part of the agreement where he would pay rent and utilities while I would pay my normal bills (credit cards, car payment, insurance), and pay for groceries and a phone. And then he stopped working and I was trying to pay my rising bills along with the expenses he was responsible for. I ruined a 770 credit score. My few items worth money suddenly started getting "stolen" and I naively thought our apartment was getting repeatedly broken in to. (Now I obviously know he did it, I mean who's apartment gets broken into 3 times?). I did things like shoplift clothes, and I set my priorities on clubbing and would often call off work so I could stay home and drink and smoke weed. There was this older guy (talking like 30 years older than me) who was a little off in the head and had money and so I took advantage of his naive-ness and would ask him for a couple hundred dollars at the beginning of the month to help pay my bills in exchange for driving him around to pay his own bills and take him grocery shopping, etc. He'd also give Boorah the pain killers he was prescribed so he could sell them to make extra money. Of course he smartened up after about two months when he realized nothing more would accumulate from our friendship, and even though I technically did nothing wrong I felt horrible for taking advantage of someone who was trying to treat me with kindness.
A week after my 22 birthday things started to really go south. I had just financed yet another car (the last one the engine blew on, and I still had a loan out on it, but I lived in the country and had to have a car in order to get to the city) and two days later got a DUI. After getting out of jail I had to walk 2 miles in heels to spend my last $100 to get my car out of the impound. Then a week later Boorah got pulled over in my vehicle and it was impounded again. I had to spend the last $100 that was left on my last credit card. After that I couldnt even afford to make credit card payments anymore. I couldn't afford anything. We had to start buying prepaid cell phones. We were almost evicted out of our apartment and had to scrape up the money to pay two months worth of rent. I couldn't drive so it was almost impossible for me to get back and forth to work, and my priorities still weren't on working. I was buying things of value on my home depot credit card and then pawning them for cash to try to come up with rent money and of course because of my screwed up priorities we always needed a few dollars left over so we could get some weed and a beer. I had huge costs to pay off my DUI and get my license back.
Eventually we got evicted out of our apartment and had to go stay with Boorah's family. 6 people staying in a two bedroom townhouse.... When we would have the gas we would drive out to our old apartment to get the mail. One day a package arrived. It was checks from a bank, sent to the wrong address. I had no job, no money, no apartment. My car payment was overdue, so I really needed a job. Gas was over $4 a gallon, I really needed gas to try to get to and from interviews. So I used the girl's checks to fill up my gas tank, to buy pizza, to buy things I needed from family dollar. Every time I did it I felt horrible. I would go back to my ex's house and retreat into his sisters bedroom and stay there for hours as if the police would catch on that quickly and were going to come arrest me that day.
Eventually I found a job, but a month into it Boorah found out the police were looking for him for credit card fraud, so we moved back to Michigan the VERY NEXT DAY and I moved back with my parents. My mistakes caught up with me. Kentucky sent out my felony warrants to other states and when I found out they were looking for me I turned myself in and spent four days in a holding cell. I had to tell my parents what I had done. In addition to this my credit was so horrible, and I was in so much debt I had to file for bankruptcy. It's crazy how much my parents love me. They paid for my bankruptcy, paid for my lawyer, took me to and from Kentucky for court, helped pay for my court expenses. All of this happened while I was pregnant with Triston. The charges resulted in a diversion, so for two years I basically couldn't get any job that required a background check, but now I have nothing whatsoever on my record. During that time in my life I vowed to change for my son- I prayed to God that if he would let my son be ok and keep my out of jail I would turn my life around- and I really did. I finally returned to the person I was before I had began dating Boorah- a sweet, honest, ambitious, hard-working young lady.
What's really funny though is that while I was going through all this turmoil during my first pregnancy, I still stayed with my ex. My family and friends were so angry and so dumbfounded as to why I couldn't see that my Boorah was the cause of all my problems. I mean he wasn't the direct cause, but now when I look at it he did indirectly cause all of my problems. I made the decisions but they were all heavily persuaded by his threats. In fact, back in Michigan I continued to let him use my car and it got "stolen" while in his possession. At first I believed it was stolen, but then 2 weeks later it turned up only TWO blocks from my house. A car does NOT get stolen IN DETROIT and end up in the suburbs. It just doesn't happen. And yet I didn't acknowledge until after I broke up with him that he somehow had something to do with it being "stolen". He must have thought he could sell it "hot" to someone or have it "stripped" and then realized he couldn't and had someone dump it by my house. I wanted to make it work because I wanted Triston to have a father and for us to be a family. I wanted to feel like our 6 years together really meant something. It meant nothing. When I look back on our relationship now I can't say there was a single moment when I felt pure joy or happiness. Every fun time we had together I financed. He treated me like shit and never did anything for me.
The point of telling this whole story to the blog (which believe me was a very very shortened version. I'm sure I could write an entire book on this experience) was because that time period of my life (dealing with a possible felony on my record, going through bankruptcy, spending 4 days in jail while I was pregnant) was one of the most difficult of my life. And yet in all honesty, this is harder. The hospital is like a prison in itself. A plushy prison, but a long term sentence. Being separated from a child you love with all your heart is unbearable. And comparing this experience to all the bullshit I went through with my ex is the only way I can think of explaining to someone how hard this process is. Is to say look at what I went through- this is WORSE than that.
So anyway, now that I've written a huge blog entry, I'm kind of inspired. Maybe I will write about my experiences with my ex... maybe a fictional biography sort of way.... don't have shit else to do. What do you think?
(Ugh the culprit himself, my ex. As disgusted I am to post this I figure at least my readers can have an idea of who I'm talking about. This is maybe 1 of like 4 pictures I have left of him (can't bear to delete any picture with Triston in it))Friday, July 22, 2011
Hospital Bed Rest Essentials
Today I am 28w5d pregnant. I have 37 days left until my c-section. I have been in the hospital exactly 4 weeks and have a 96% chance of going into labor this week.
I'm not going into labor in the next 7 days. I'm not going to have a July baby. I just "know". I do still feel I'll be having the baby between 31-32 weeks though....
Since I have no interesting updates about my experience in my luxury jail cell, I figured I would post about the things that are essential when you are on hospital bed rest, so anyone who may happen to stumble upon my blog in a similar situation can feel a little more readily prepared.
Clothes:
-About 2-3 pairs of pajamas. This way you can alternate or you can have a family member take home a dirty pair to wash while you wear a new pair
-2 bras. Again, you'll want to wash your bra after a week of wearing it, especially if you're leaking.
-slippers.
You don't need socks or underwear. The hospital has footies they can provide you with and these disposal mesh underwear. Of course you CAN bring your own, but I'm still leaking fluid after a month, why would I want to ruin a pair of my own underwear?
Toiletries:
-Full sized shampoo/conditioner (especially if you have a long term stay like me and have a LOT of hair)
-hair straightener or styling products. Straightening my hair means I don't have to wash it as often, plus it occupies a good 30 minutes of my time at least once a week
-pony tail holders, bobby pins, clips, etc
-deodorant
-face wash
-lotion
-toothbrush & toothpaste
-lipgloss/chapstick
-mascara
Some people may want to bring their own body wash, their own loofa's, and other items like makeup, a razor etc. A lot of this stuff the hospital will provide for you, it just depends on how at home you want to make yourself feel
OTHER ITEMS
-Food items. I hate the breakfast at the hospital so I try to keep a box of cereal or pop-tarts here. Also things like candy bars, cookies, granola bars are good snacks or good substitutes when you don't feel like eating the limited deserts the hospital offers. I also keep all the extra straws I accumulate as well as silverware just in case the kitchen forgets something one day
-Magazines/books- I have a training manual from my job and one of my school text books so I feel I'm doing something productive. In a month I've probably read about 20 magazines, and I'm on my second book.
-Puzzles. The hospital gives us word searches. I haven't really done any of them but I know they can be time consuming. I have a coloring book that I color in occasionally to pass the time.
-Hobbies- I knit. I've made two scrarves while I've been here. I like to make jewelry too and I wish I had some supplies someone could bring me, but I don't and jewelry supplies can be costly :( Also if you like to get manicures/pedicures ask someone to bring all the essentials so you can do them yourself- a nail file, nail clippers, a pumis stone and a thing of clear nail polish and a colored nail polish/ Once again that'll keep you busy for at least an hour about once a week.
-laptop. If the hospital has wifi a laptop is great. And if you have a laptop having a subscription to netflix, hulu, blockbuster, hbo, krackle, etc makes up for the lack of good television stations the tv offers.
-cell phone/charger. No explanation needed
-Camera/charger. Take pictures with your family/visitors and you'll need to take pics when the baby arrives. As much as I hate this period in my life, I've realized I need to start taking pictures when my son is here because this experience is definitely one I'll reflect on later in life.
-pillow/blanket from home. I just have a pillow but it does make it easier to sleep. The hospital uses really harsh detergent and I'm always itchy (plus the air gives you dry skin) so having my own pillow is saving my skin!
-debit card. If you are allowed to go to the gift shop of cafe occasionally you'll want to be able to buy yourself a treat!
If you have to be on hospital bed rest for a long time, try to make a routine. There are days when i absolutely don't want to shower, but I do it anyway because it passes the time, plus I realize that once I'm dealing with two children, I may only be able to shower twice a week (hopefully)! I try to go to bed and wake up at a certain time, eat at a certain time, watch certain shows. It all passes the time. Try to have as many people come visit you as possible. I hate asking people to come visit me but if they text and say they are going to try to make it soon, I totally welcome them because that also makes the time go by much faster. Try to talk to the nurses and nurse aids as much as possible. Even though the ones I have here can be a tad annoying, I try to talk to them because they also keep you company. Don't be afraid to ask someone to bring you something. I've had my friends and family provide all my magazines. Everytime Ted is here I ask him to go downstairs and buy me an iced coffee drink. My one friend flat irons my hair for me. It makes me feel better and gives me something to look forward to. Ask for privileges if you can. I'm showing no signs of labor so at least once a week I try to have my boyfriend or a family member wheel me down to the cafeteria so that I can get out of my room. Unfortunately I haven't been outside in about 3 weeks because of the extreme heat wave. I've also taken advantage of the fridge the nurses have and use that opportunity to be able to walk down the hall to retrieve my food. It's definitely nice to get out of the room as much as possible!
I'm not going into labor in the next 7 days. I'm not going to have a July baby. I just "know". I do still feel I'll be having the baby between 31-32 weeks though....
Since I have no interesting updates about my experience in my luxury jail cell, I figured I would post about the things that are essential when you are on hospital bed rest, so anyone who may happen to stumble upon my blog in a similar situation can feel a little more readily prepared.
Clothes:
-About 2-3 pairs of pajamas. This way you can alternate or you can have a family member take home a dirty pair to wash while you wear a new pair
-2 bras. Again, you'll want to wash your bra after a week of wearing it, especially if you're leaking.
-slippers.
You don't need socks or underwear. The hospital has footies they can provide you with and these disposal mesh underwear. Of course you CAN bring your own, but I'm still leaking fluid after a month, why would I want to ruin a pair of my own underwear?
Toiletries:
-Full sized shampoo/conditioner (especially if you have a long term stay like me and have a LOT of hair)
-hair straightener or styling products. Straightening my hair means I don't have to wash it as often, plus it occupies a good 30 minutes of my time at least once a week
-pony tail holders, bobby pins, clips, etc
-deodorant
-face wash
-lotion
-toothbrush & toothpaste
-lipgloss/chapstick
-mascara
Some people may want to bring their own body wash, their own loofa's, and other items like makeup, a razor etc. A lot of this stuff the hospital will provide for you, it just depends on how at home you want to make yourself feel
OTHER ITEMS
-Food items. I hate the breakfast at the hospital so I try to keep a box of cereal or pop-tarts here. Also things like candy bars, cookies, granola bars are good snacks or good substitutes when you don't feel like eating the limited deserts the hospital offers. I also keep all the extra straws I accumulate as well as silverware just in case the kitchen forgets something one day
-Magazines/books- I have a training manual from my job and one of my school text books so I feel I'm doing something productive. In a month I've probably read about 20 magazines, and I'm on my second book.
-Puzzles. The hospital gives us word searches. I haven't really done any of them but I know they can be time consuming. I have a coloring book that I color in occasionally to pass the time.
-Hobbies- I knit. I've made two scrarves while I've been here. I like to make jewelry too and I wish I had some supplies someone could bring me, but I don't and jewelry supplies can be costly :( Also if you like to get manicures/pedicures ask someone to bring all the essentials so you can do them yourself- a nail file, nail clippers, a pumis stone and a thing of clear nail polish and a colored nail polish/ Once again that'll keep you busy for at least an hour about once a week.
-laptop. If the hospital has wifi a laptop is great. And if you have a laptop having a subscription to netflix, hulu, blockbuster, hbo, krackle, etc makes up for the lack of good television stations the tv offers.
-cell phone/charger. No explanation needed
-Camera/charger. Take pictures with your family/visitors and you'll need to take pics when the baby arrives. As much as I hate this period in my life, I've realized I need to start taking pictures when my son is here because this experience is definitely one I'll reflect on later in life.
-pillow/blanket from home. I just have a pillow but it does make it easier to sleep. The hospital uses really harsh detergent and I'm always itchy (plus the air gives you dry skin) so having my own pillow is saving my skin!
-debit card. If you are allowed to go to the gift shop of cafe occasionally you'll want to be able to buy yourself a treat!
If you have to be on hospital bed rest for a long time, try to make a routine. There are days when i absolutely don't want to shower, but I do it anyway because it passes the time, plus I realize that once I'm dealing with two children, I may only be able to shower twice a week (hopefully)! I try to go to bed and wake up at a certain time, eat at a certain time, watch certain shows. It all passes the time. Try to have as many people come visit you as possible. I hate asking people to come visit me but if they text and say they are going to try to make it soon, I totally welcome them because that also makes the time go by much faster. Try to talk to the nurses and nurse aids as much as possible. Even though the ones I have here can be a tad annoying, I try to talk to them because they also keep you company. Don't be afraid to ask someone to bring you something. I've had my friends and family provide all my magazines. Everytime Ted is here I ask him to go downstairs and buy me an iced coffee drink. My one friend flat irons my hair for me. It makes me feel better and gives me something to look forward to. Ask for privileges if you can. I'm showing no signs of labor so at least once a week I try to have my boyfriend or a family member wheel me down to the cafeteria so that I can get out of my room. Unfortunately I haven't been outside in about 3 weeks because of the extreme heat wave. I've also taken advantage of the fridge the nurses have and use that opportunity to be able to walk down the hall to retrieve my food. It's definitely nice to get out of the room as much as possible!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Nope, No Changes... like always
I am 28w3d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 27 days. I have 39 days left before my c section.
I guess the only accomplishment I have to boast about is that I have less than 40 days left to be here. I had an epiphany on the 17th that I would have the baby on the 19th. That was yesterday, and I'm still here, still pregnant, so apparently I was wrong. When I told the doctor I found it weird that I've been losing my mucous plug for over a week she said I could have a yeast infection, but I know that's not the case. I don't itch and the discharge only happens like once a day. It's still happening too....
It seems like everyone around me is having their babies, whether it's in the hospital or on the different threads I belong to. I feel like I will be the one and only person to actually make it to 34 weeks. I mean, I guess that's a good thing, in all honesty I guess I'm not prepared for my baby to come. I'm still having a hard time coming to terms that I'm going to have two kids....
I did finally have a dream that the baby was born. And he was cute, and perfect, and healthy, just a little smaller than Triston. It was reassuring amongst all the other crazy dreams I've been having.
My friend Britney came and visited me yesterday, and Ted brought Triston up here and they were here for a good five hours. So yesterday was great. Today I weighed myself and I've gained like almost 4lbs in the last week... so I'm cutting back on what I eat hoping that I can just stay at this weight for the next 5 weeks. I can see where the extra weight has gone, to my arms and face. A little to my butt, but that I don't mind at all, I just hate when my arms are chunky.
So I mistakenly gave my ex's sister my phone number. On her facebook message to me she was like I love Triston and believe it or not I love you too, we were really close for a while, blah blah blah. So being nice I gave her the number and the very next day Boorah (my ex) started calling. People are venomous. Why would you be so deceiving to act like you care just so you can turn around and bite me in the ass? I had Ted text him and tell him it was a wrong number and hopefully that'll be the end of the calls. I'm in the hospital the last thing I want to do is talk to him. I'm about ready to just tell him I'm having another baby and hang up and hope that after that crushing news he falls off the face of the earth. Ever since I've had Triston, any time I ever give him the opportunity to speak to me on the phone he just yells and screams and puts me down and it's always the same words. I'm a whore (cuz I've had ONE boyfriend since we've broken up), I'm a hoodrat (because I work and go to school and single handedly support our son), I spend all my time drinking and partying (yeah cuz you do a lot of that while you're pregnant). Then he doesn't understand why I change my number and refuse to send him pictures of Triston or let him see Triston. I have seriously thought for years that he (and probably every other person in his immediate family) is bi-polar and needs to be on medication. He's not trust worthy around Triston. He could hurt that boy if he were to start crying and won't stop, etc... On top of it people who can't financially support their children don't deserve to physically have contact with them.
(Triston's 1yr/Christmas photo)Honestly I don't even know why I bother talking about it. All it's doing is adding stress on me!
I guess the only accomplishment I have to boast about is that I have less than 40 days left to be here. I had an epiphany on the 17th that I would have the baby on the 19th. That was yesterday, and I'm still here, still pregnant, so apparently I was wrong. When I told the doctor I found it weird that I've been losing my mucous plug for over a week she said I could have a yeast infection, but I know that's not the case. I don't itch and the discharge only happens like once a day. It's still happening too....
It seems like everyone around me is having their babies, whether it's in the hospital or on the different threads I belong to. I feel like I will be the one and only person to actually make it to 34 weeks. I mean, I guess that's a good thing, in all honesty I guess I'm not prepared for my baby to come. I'm still having a hard time coming to terms that I'm going to have two kids....
I did finally have a dream that the baby was born. And he was cute, and perfect, and healthy, just a little smaller than Triston. It was reassuring amongst all the other crazy dreams I've been having.
My friend Britney came and visited me yesterday, and Ted brought Triston up here and they were here for a good five hours. So yesterday was great. Today I weighed myself and I've gained like almost 4lbs in the last week... so I'm cutting back on what I eat hoping that I can just stay at this weight for the next 5 weeks. I can see where the extra weight has gone, to my arms and face. A little to my butt, but that I don't mind at all, I just hate when my arms are chunky.
So I mistakenly gave my ex's sister my phone number. On her facebook message to me she was like I love Triston and believe it or not I love you too, we were really close for a while, blah blah blah. So being nice I gave her the number and the very next day Boorah (my ex) started calling. People are venomous. Why would you be so deceiving to act like you care just so you can turn around and bite me in the ass? I had Ted text him and tell him it was a wrong number and hopefully that'll be the end of the calls. I'm in the hospital the last thing I want to do is talk to him. I'm about ready to just tell him I'm having another baby and hang up and hope that after that crushing news he falls off the face of the earth. Ever since I've had Triston, any time I ever give him the opportunity to speak to me on the phone he just yells and screams and puts me down and it's always the same words. I'm a whore (cuz I've had ONE boyfriend since we've broken up), I'm a hoodrat (because I work and go to school and single handedly support our son), I spend all my time drinking and partying (yeah cuz you do a lot of that while you're pregnant). Then he doesn't understand why I change my number and refuse to send him pictures of Triston or let him see Triston. I have seriously thought for years that he (and probably every other person in his immediate family) is bi-polar and needs to be on medication. He's not trust worthy around Triston. He could hurt that boy if he were to start crying and won't stop, etc... On top of it people who can't financially support their children don't deserve to physically have contact with them.
(Triston's 1yr/Christmas photo)Saturday, July 16, 2011
Short update
27w6d pregnant. 23 days in the hospital. 43 days to go.
I highly doubt I'm going to go into labor and deliver a baby within the next 6 hours so let's go ahead and say I made it to 28 weeks.
Maybe it's all in my head but I don't feel very good today. I've kind of felt all day that I need to #2 but I don't. And I kind of feel nauseated and a little crampy. But I'm not in pain. I just don't feel good. Also more signs of my mucus plug... making me want to question if it's really my mucus plug. But it doesn't smell funny :-\
I had one contraction during my NST today. Don't know if it was a Braxton Hicks contraction or not... but I mean it's the only one that I've had in about a week where I knew it was a contraction, and the baby had a large deceleration afterwards. The doctor told me to let the nurses know when I start having contractions so they can take me downstairs immediately. I think because I'm breech they don't want me in labor for long, they want to hurry up and perform the c section. I'm trying so hard to recollect how I felt a few days before I went into labor with Triston. My parents said a few days earlier I was kind of moaning in my sleep. How would I know if I'm moaning in my sleep now? I know the day I went to the hospital with Triston I had been having irregular contractions all day and they gradually got worse as the evening went on, but I can't remember if the days prior I felt nauseated or particularly sleepy. It's like today I just feel sleepy, irritable, the baby isn't moving around as much.
(Triston back when he had his mohawk)Really at this point I just want a sign. I want to know when I'm gonna be having this baby!
I highly doubt I'm going to go into labor and deliver a baby within the next 6 hours so let's go ahead and say I made it to 28 weeks.
Maybe it's all in my head but I don't feel very good today. I've kind of felt all day that I need to #2 but I don't. And I kind of feel nauseated and a little crampy. But I'm not in pain. I just don't feel good. Also more signs of my mucus plug... making me want to question if it's really my mucus plug. But it doesn't smell funny :-\
I had one contraction during my NST today. Don't know if it was a Braxton Hicks contraction or not... but I mean it's the only one that I've had in about a week where I knew it was a contraction, and the baby had a large deceleration afterwards. The doctor told me to let the nurses know when I start having contractions so they can take me downstairs immediately. I think because I'm breech they don't want me in labor for long, they want to hurry up and perform the c section. I'm trying so hard to recollect how I felt a few days before I went into labor with Triston. My parents said a few days earlier I was kind of moaning in my sleep. How would I know if I'm moaning in my sleep now? I know the day I went to the hospital with Triston I had been having irregular contractions all day and they gradually got worse as the evening went on, but I can't remember if the days prior I felt nauseated or particularly sleepy. It's like today I just feel sleepy, irritable, the baby isn't moving around as much.
(Triston back when he had his mohawk)Friday, July 15, 2011
3 weeks down
Alrighty then. So as of today I am 27w5d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 3 weeks and have 44 days left to be here. I have a 93% chance of delivering this week.
I don't think I'm going to have the baby this week. Maybe the next week or the week after that. I have a feeling I'll deliver between 31-32 weeks. I really don't think I'll make it a full 34.
The private room is treating me great. I can walk around freely, do my hair, stay up late, sleep all day, pretty much do whatever I want. My parents FINALLY came up here today and I got to see Triston. He was incredibly rowdy, but there was no issue with it because I'm not sharing a room with anyone so he could reek all the havoc he wanted to. He's saying SO much now! It seems as though he is learning a lot of vocabulary at my parents house. I know they are tired, but they are managing and I totally appreciate it. I receive this thing called Birchbox which is high end designer samples and my mom brought it up to me today. It had a facial cleanser, nail polish, hand creme, hair finisher, and a snack in it. Basically you receive a box with 5 samples in it every month for only $10. It's definitely worth the price and it's a nice little treat to receive. My mom also brought me a coloring book and a new pair of pajama pants. I bought my parents coffee, which is like the least I can do while they are coming to visit me. Also, I received my rent reduction today. I live in a section 8 apartment. Section 8 is basically a voucher program through the government that helps pay your rent. Previously I was paying $146 a month in rent, now I only have to pay $25 until my income increases again. Soooooo nice. So overall it has been a wonderful day.
I had my glucose test today and I passed it. This is wonderful news. The hospital has an extended menu and let me tell you the food on it is actually GOOD. If I would have failed the glucose test i would have had to stick with the regular hospital menu and I can not picture ordering off of that for 6 more weeks (yuck). I also had an ultrasound today. They were actually able to get a profile shot of the baby's face. Everything is normal. No cleft lip or facial abnormalities, which is one of the things I was worried about. Despite all the ultrasounds I've had they've never been able to get a clear shot of the baby's face because he is so squished in there. They say he probably weighs about 2lbs 5oz's right now which I think is definitely a great size. I know if I delivered right now he'd still be super tiny, but mostly once a baby weigh's over 1 1/2lbs they have a great chance of survival. He's still breach and apparently his little booty is pressed right up against my cervix. My fluid is still really low but I know it accumulates during the day because I was leaking soooooo much this morning. I also lost a little more of my mucus plug today. I thought the whole thing was gone but apparently not. Losing it means my cervix is thinning out and opening up so that's why I think at the longest it'll be about four more weeks until I deliver.
So I don't think we are going to go with the name Champion anymore. Yeah, so I may have to change the title of this blog soon. Once again, Mr Thoughtful (Ted), is the one who came up with a very legitimate reason as to why we can't name our son that. He said when Triston gets to be older (like 5-10) he may get jealous and resentful of the baby's name and wonder why he just has a "normal" name. To me I just figured I would explain to him that while Ted is his father, he has a different "daddy" and he's named after his daddy. But Ted's reasoning makes a lot of sense. Now he likes the name "Carmelo" (yes like the basketball player). Carmelo is ok. I really loved the name Champion considering what our son has been through, but the reasoning is very logical and considerate.
(Just a random picture from my first photoshoot over a year ago)Overall I really don't think my baby is going to have problems. Everyone seems so positive about the baby. The ultrasound technicians, the doctors. I just don't picture there being drastic problems. At the very least no one has mentioned the possibility of horrendous problems. The biggest concern would be infection or cord prolapse and since the baby is transverse breach the chance of cord prolapse is decreased. So basically I have to just adamantly watch for infection. As gross as it is everytime I leak I try to do a smell test and look real closely for anything that may be abnormal. My mom suggested taking 6 months off of work to just go to school and concentrate on the children. Maybe I'll do it depending on how much I get back from student loans. It'll just be hard because as much as I love being a mom I do love my independence. However it'll save a ton on day care. Like I said we'll just have to wait and see.
I don't think I'm going to have the baby this week. Maybe the next week or the week after that. I have a feeling I'll deliver between 31-32 weeks. I really don't think I'll make it a full 34.
The private room is treating me great. I can walk around freely, do my hair, stay up late, sleep all day, pretty much do whatever I want. My parents FINALLY came up here today and I got to see Triston. He was incredibly rowdy, but there was no issue with it because I'm not sharing a room with anyone so he could reek all the havoc he wanted to. He's saying SO much now! It seems as though he is learning a lot of vocabulary at my parents house. I know they are tired, but they are managing and I totally appreciate it. I receive this thing called Birchbox which is high end designer samples and my mom brought it up to me today. It had a facial cleanser, nail polish, hand creme, hair finisher, and a snack in it. Basically you receive a box with 5 samples in it every month for only $10. It's definitely worth the price and it's a nice little treat to receive. My mom also brought me a coloring book and a new pair of pajama pants. I bought my parents coffee, which is like the least I can do while they are coming to visit me. Also, I received my rent reduction today. I live in a section 8 apartment. Section 8 is basically a voucher program through the government that helps pay your rent. Previously I was paying $146 a month in rent, now I only have to pay $25 until my income increases again. Soooooo nice. So overall it has been a wonderful day.
I had my glucose test today and I passed it. This is wonderful news. The hospital has an extended menu and let me tell you the food on it is actually GOOD. If I would have failed the glucose test i would have had to stick with the regular hospital menu and I can not picture ordering off of that for 6 more weeks (yuck). I also had an ultrasound today. They were actually able to get a profile shot of the baby's face. Everything is normal. No cleft lip or facial abnormalities, which is one of the things I was worried about. Despite all the ultrasounds I've had they've never been able to get a clear shot of the baby's face because he is so squished in there. They say he probably weighs about 2lbs 5oz's right now which I think is definitely a great size. I know if I delivered right now he'd still be super tiny, but mostly once a baby weigh's over 1 1/2lbs they have a great chance of survival. He's still breach and apparently his little booty is pressed right up against my cervix. My fluid is still really low but I know it accumulates during the day because I was leaking soooooo much this morning. I also lost a little more of my mucus plug today. I thought the whole thing was gone but apparently not. Losing it means my cervix is thinning out and opening up so that's why I think at the longest it'll be about four more weeks until I deliver.
So I don't think we are going to go with the name Champion anymore. Yeah, so I may have to change the title of this blog soon. Once again, Mr Thoughtful (Ted), is the one who came up with a very legitimate reason as to why we can't name our son that. He said when Triston gets to be older (like 5-10) he may get jealous and resentful of the baby's name and wonder why he just has a "normal" name. To me I just figured I would explain to him that while Ted is his father, he has a different "daddy" and he's named after his daddy. But Ted's reasoning makes a lot of sense. Now he likes the name "Carmelo" (yes like the basketball player). Carmelo is ok. I really loved the name Champion considering what our son has been through, but the reasoning is very logical and considerate.
(Just a random picture from my first photoshoot over a year ago)Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Anxious & Excited
So as of today I am 27w3d pregnant. I have been on hospital bedrest for 20 days. I have 46 days left in the hospital.
I've had some big changes. I'm not sure if I mentioned this on my last post or not, but I believe I have lost the majority if not all of my mucus plug. It started two days ago, and then I lost some more of it yesterday. Also last night when the nurse went to listen to the baby's heartbeat she found it literally right above my pubic bone. It does seem as though my weight has dropped, although sometimes it doesn't seem that way. I haven't had any contractions or bleeding, but I feel as though I will probably have the baby within the next two to three weeks tops.
Again I am excited and anxious about this. I still think my mind is refusing to focus on the baby as a defense mechanism, so I'm excited about getting all of this over with and going home. I'm really not prepared to see my son. I'm scared to know what he's going to look like, if he's going to make it, how long he'll have to stay in the NICU. I tried to express some of my worries to Ted last night, which he seemed to understand but they are hard to verbalize. I know being here for another 6 1/2 weeks would be the best thing possible, but I feel so ready for this chapter in my life to come to an end. The waiting game is horrible.
I also got the private room finally! It's nice and big, so I am able to get up and walk around. I'm not sure if this is something that I should or should not be doing, but when I mentioned it to one of the nurses, she really didn't seem to mind. So every hour I get up and pace the room back and forth 10 times just to prevent getting stiff. I really don't think I am moving around enough to onset labor or anything, it's really just enough to keep my legs from getting stiff and sore.
I was weighed yesterday. I've only gained about 5lbs since I've been here, which made me pretty happy. I should have my glucose test by the end of this week. And then next week I should have an ultrasound. I plan to keep this baby in me for at least another 4 days, but I really hope this experience is over within the next 2-3 weeks. I'm having a hard time waiting for my little guy. I do think Ted likes the name Champion. This morning he mentioned that when the baby and Triston get older though that Triston might be resentful of his brother's name. I think the fact that Ted took that into consideration once again proves his amazingness. He is going to pick up Triston tomorrow and bring him to the hospital then probably to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow. He's such a great person!
My ex's family is meddling in my business a little more than I'd prefer. First, my ex's mother sends me a facebook message asking why I'm in the hospital and asking for my phone number. I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to say I'm pregnant. If something goes wrong with the baby they are the type of gloat in other people's misery and I don't need that. Then I posted a picture of me and Triston at the hospital on my facebook page (I don't look pregnant in the picture, a little chubby but not pregnant) and his mom commented on it saying "Get well soon Rach, love mom". This didn't bother me but one of the comments his sister left on the photo did. She's gonna say "OMG he looks exactly like Boorah (my ex) here". Um, it's a picture of me in the HOSPITAL, I have NO CONTACT with my ex, the last thing I want is his name in my comments. I feel like she left this comment intentionally to be petty, to get under my skin, to instigate. I just deleted the comment. It's not worth my time, but I just don't understand WHY his family is so intent on trying to be Triston's family, when they've never been around for him before.
(Triston & I at the hospital)I was with my ex, Boorah, for about 6 years. He was a tormentor. Throughout our entire relationship I was always supporting him financially, he was prone to violent outbursts, he was always paranoid and suspicious, and while we lived together he frequently cheated on me. I guess I stayed with him for so long because I felt like we connected in a way I would never connect with anyone else. Plus, when we lived together in Kentucky I had fun. I partied a lot. With him, with his sisters, by myself. When I was pregnant I worked two jobs throughout almost my entire pregnancy so that I could give him money, and try to save up money for when Triston came along. I really thought that when Triston came he would turn his life around and get a driver's license, GED, job, etc., and I thought he'd be a great father. He was still violent and paranoid and I actually had to buy him a bus ticket BACK to Kentucky and start dating Ted in order for him to actually accept the fact that it was over. I never regretted breaking up with him, although at first I felt bad for Triston. Now I don't feel bad for Triston because I think Ted is doing an amazing job and really loves him. I do feel bad for my ex though. It kills me to be in this hospital away from my son even though I see him about 3 times a week. I can't imagine how anyone could go on in life being away from their kid with no pictures or contact or anything for nearly an entire year. It's pathetic.
I've had some big changes. I'm not sure if I mentioned this on my last post or not, but I believe I have lost the majority if not all of my mucus plug. It started two days ago, and then I lost some more of it yesterday. Also last night when the nurse went to listen to the baby's heartbeat she found it literally right above my pubic bone. It does seem as though my weight has dropped, although sometimes it doesn't seem that way. I haven't had any contractions or bleeding, but I feel as though I will probably have the baby within the next two to three weeks tops.
Again I am excited and anxious about this. I still think my mind is refusing to focus on the baby as a defense mechanism, so I'm excited about getting all of this over with and going home. I'm really not prepared to see my son. I'm scared to know what he's going to look like, if he's going to make it, how long he'll have to stay in the NICU. I tried to express some of my worries to Ted last night, which he seemed to understand but they are hard to verbalize. I know being here for another 6 1/2 weeks would be the best thing possible, but I feel so ready for this chapter in my life to come to an end. The waiting game is horrible.
I also got the private room finally! It's nice and big, so I am able to get up and walk around. I'm not sure if this is something that I should or should not be doing, but when I mentioned it to one of the nurses, she really didn't seem to mind. So every hour I get up and pace the room back and forth 10 times just to prevent getting stiff. I really don't think I am moving around enough to onset labor or anything, it's really just enough to keep my legs from getting stiff and sore.
I was weighed yesterday. I've only gained about 5lbs since I've been here, which made me pretty happy. I should have my glucose test by the end of this week. And then next week I should have an ultrasound. I plan to keep this baby in me for at least another 4 days, but I really hope this experience is over within the next 2-3 weeks. I'm having a hard time waiting for my little guy. I do think Ted likes the name Champion. This morning he mentioned that when the baby and Triston get older though that Triston might be resentful of his brother's name. I think the fact that Ted took that into consideration once again proves his amazingness. He is going to pick up Triston tomorrow and bring him to the hospital then probably to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow. He's such a great person!
My ex's family is meddling in my business a little more than I'd prefer. First, my ex's mother sends me a facebook message asking why I'm in the hospital and asking for my phone number. I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to say I'm pregnant. If something goes wrong with the baby they are the type of gloat in other people's misery and I don't need that. Then I posted a picture of me and Triston at the hospital on my facebook page (I don't look pregnant in the picture, a little chubby but not pregnant) and his mom commented on it saying "Get well soon Rach, love mom". This didn't bother me but one of the comments his sister left on the photo did. She's gonna say "OMG he looks exactly like Boorah (my ex) here". Um, it's a picture of me in the HOSPITAL, I have NO CONTACT with my ex, the last thing I want is his name in my comments. I feel like she left this comment intentionally to be petty, to get under my skin, to instigate. I just deleted the comment. It's not worth my time, but I just don't understand WHY his family is so intent on trying to be Triston's family, when they've never been around for him before.
(Triston & I at the hospital)Monday, July 11, 2011
Day 18
So there are a few incredibly small triumphs I have reached. I am 27 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I have 48 days left until I am 34 weeks. The 48 days is the "triumph" I've accomplished. I have less than 50 days left in the hospital. I still have a very long time to be here, but these small goals give me hope!
When I came to the hospital I really didn't think I would be admitted. I wasn't really thinking anything. Then when my water broke I seriously thought I would have the baby sometime that week. To have been here for two and a half weeks is a ridiculous thought, and the thought of 7 more weeks is equally ridiculous.
I've thought lately about whether I should make a will. I mean, the chance of something bad happening to me is very slim, but it is a possibility. The difficult part about a will is that I would have to write it under the assumption that Triston would be my only child. I would want all my money in my bank account transferred to him and I would want everything I own of value to be sold in order to benefit him. It is a scary and devestating possibility to consider, and I am scared to even admit it, but it IS something that could happen.
One thing that I've noticed is that when Ted and I talk about the future we don't really talk about it under the pretense that the baby will be in it. I know that that's what we both want, but I don't think we acknowledge the fact that we could be having a child, because it's even more difficult to acknowledge that we may not have a child. So when I talk about Christmas or teaching Triston something, I don't include this baby. I want for us to have a baby, but what if he dies? Why pick out a name if he doesn't live? Why tell our friends I'm even pregnant? Why buy things and even plan? I don't know how I'll pick up the pieces if this child dies. All I can envision is myself partying and drinking. I think I will still act with enough responsibility that I'll be able to care for Triston, but I tend to bury things in order to cope with them. I worry how Ted will react. I'm scared he'll become resentful of Triston. I wonder what it will do to our relationship, which is nothing less than perfect right now.
He's been the best support system I could ask for. I feel bad because I'm constantly asking him to bring me stuff whether it's food or something from home. He comes up to the hospital as much as he can, even though I have nothing to talk about and it's extremely boring. He's extraordinary. Even though he's not Triston's father he's going to pick him up Thursday and said he's going to take him to Chuck E Cheese.
I lost my mucous plug today. When the nurse hooked me up for my NST I was leaking fluid, which is nothing new. Afterward I got up to change my pad and when I wiped myself there was a big yellow mucous glob on the tissue. It literally looked just like snot. There was no blood in it. I told a doctor when he came in and all he said was it's hard to distinguish if that's what it was considering I'm pprom. I've had another child before there's really nothing else is COULD be, unless it was signs of infection, but it's only happened the one time so I'm about 98% positive it was my mucous plug. With Triston I didn't go into labor until about 5 weeks later, but I know things can progress much more quickly with the second baby. I am hoping to last until at least 28 weeks but I don't see myself going past 31-32, and I really have a feeling it will happen sometime during week 29.....
It is exciting. I am excited that it will all be over soon. I won't have to stay in the hospital, I can resume life. It is also scary. I keep saying the reality of having a kid hasn't hit me yet, and that is the truth. I don't know what's ahead, I don't know what will happen in the NICU. I am unprepared to bring home another baby, for staying up all night and then being up all day while Triston is awake. I'm not prepared for the baby to have problems or to potentially die. And I think because of my unpreparedness and the severity of the situation that I am supressing the thoughts and emotions that come with it and ONLY thinking of myself and returning to my normal life. All I can picture is going shopping. I definitely do have a retail therapy problem. I keep thinking of how I need a new outfit, how I want to go out and have a drink with my friends, how I want to be at home again. None of these fantasies have a baby in them. I feel guilty that they don't have a baby in them. I wonder if that's a sign that a baby WON'T be in them when they become a reality. Like I keep trying to reassure myself though, I think it's a coping mechanism....
When I came to the hospital I really didn't think I would be admitted. I wasn't really thinking anything. Then when my water broke I seriously thought I would have the baby sometime that week. To have been here for two and a half weeks is a ridiculous thought, and the thought of 7 more weeks is equally ridiculous.
I've thought lately about whether I should make a will. I mean, the chance of something bad happening to me is very slim, but it is a possibility. The difficult part about a will is that I would have to write it under the assumption that Triston would be my only child. I would want all my money in my bank account transferred to him and I would want everything I own of value to be sold in order to benefit him. It is a scary and devestating possibility to consider, and I am scared to even admit it, but it IS something that could happen.
One thing that I've noticed is that when Ted and I talk about the future we don't really talk about it under the pretense that the baby will be in it. I know that that's what we both want, but I don't think we acknowledge the fact that we could be having a child, because it's even more difficult to acknowledge that we may not have a child. So when I talk about Christmas or teaching Triston something, I don't include this baby. I want for us to have a baby, but what if he dies? Why pick out a name if he doesn't live? Why tell our friends I'm even pregnant? Why buy things and even plan? I don't know how I'll pick up the pieces if this child dies. All I can envision is myself partying and drinking. I think I will still act with enough responsibility that I'll be able to care for Triston, but I tend to bury things in order to cope with them. I worry how Ted will react. I'm scared he'll become resentful of Triston. I wonder what it will do to our relationship, which is nothing less than perfect right now.
He's been the best support system I could ask for. I feel bad because I'm constantly asking him to bring me stuff whether it's food or something from home. He comes up to the hospital as much as he can, even though I have nothing to talk about and it's extremely boring. He's extraordinary. Even though he's not Triston's father he's going to pick him up Thursday and said he's going to take him to Chuck E Cheese.
I lost my mucous plug today. When the nurse hooked me up for my NST I was leaking fluid, which is nothing new. Afterward I got up to change my pad and when I wiped myself there was a big yellow mucous glob on the tissue. It literally looked just like snot. There was no blood in it. I told a doctor when he came in and all he said was it's hard to distinguish if that's what it was considering I'm pprom. I've had another child before there's really nothing else is COULD be, unless it was signs of infection, but it's only happened the one time so I'm about 98% positive it was my mucous plug. With Triston I didn't go into labor until about 5 weeks later, but I know things can progress much more quickly with the second baby. I am hoping to last until at least 28 weeks but I don't see myself going past 31-32, and I really have a feeling it will happen sometime during week 29.....
It is exciting. I am excited that it will all be over soon. I won't have to stay in the hospital, I can resume life. It is also scary. I keep saying the reality of having a kid hasn't hit me yet, and that is the truth. I don't know what's ahead, I don't know what will happen in the NICU. I am unprepared to bring home another baby, for staying up all night and then being up all day while Triston is awake. I'm not prepared for the baby to have problems or to potentially die. And I think because of my unpreparedness and the severity of the situation that I am supressing the thoughts and emotions that come with it and ONLY thinking of myself and returning to my normal life. All I can picture is going shopping. I definitely do have a retail therapy problem. I keep thinking of how I need a new outfit, how I want to go out and have a drink with my friends, how I want to be at home again. None of these fantasies have a baby in them. I feel guilty that they don't have a baby in them. I wonder if that's a sign that a baby WON'T be in them when they become a reality. Like I keep trying to reassure myself though, I think it's a coping mechanism....
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Day 16
Ok so I've been in the hospital for 16 days. I am 26w6d pregnant, and I have 50 days left to be in the hospital.
The visit with Ted's mom and aunt went well. Ted's mom is a lot like me. She's very quiet. I am so happy his aunt was there because she asks a lot of questions, so it kept the conversation rolling. It is weird to answer questions about breast feeding and breast pumps when they are coming from someone you barely know. I was also a little taken aback when I said I have a lot of Triston's clothes and she said "we don't want him in that, we want him in all new stuff." I understand that it will be my boyfriend's parent's first grandchild, but it kind of made me feel that she was saying the stuff that Triston had isn't good enough for another baby. Um, babies grow very quickly and to me it's frivolous to spend lots of money on new stuff that they will only wear a handful of times, or possibly might not even get a chance to wear at all before they outgrow it. I know Triston had clothes that he outgrew before I even got to put them on him.
Luckily for me I'm still on roommate number 6. She's makes minimal contact which I appreciate. Ted was able to take me down to the cafeteria today so I was able to get out of my room for about a half hour. I both like and dislike getting out of my room. I enjoy being able to get a change of scenery, but I hate the way people look at you when they see you getting pushed in a wheel chair. It's that sad "I wonder what's wrong with her look". I am pretty small this pregnancy, so people might assume I'm in here for something else, but it is pesky. On top of it I feel fine, so I hate the fact that I have to rely on someone to push me when I really could probably walk to the cafeteria and back without going into labor. But you never know, something that small COULD send me into labor.
The countdown is on until I make it to 28 weeks which is my first short term goal. I can't wait to make it there. I've had this feeling that if I make it to 28 weeks the baby will be ok. If I make it to 28 weeks the next goal is 31. I don't know why it's not 30 or 32, just 31 seems reassuring. God, imagining 4 more weeks in the hospital is insane, but I guess 4 is better than 7. I'm leaking a ridiculous amount, but the doctors say having no fluid is not a reason to deliver, so I guess I need to just listen to them and trust what they have to say.
I was at my 21 week ultrasound when I found out I had oligohydramnios. Oligohydramnios is low amniotic fluid defined by the absence of a single pocket of fluid at least 2-3cm in depth or having less than a total of 5cm in fluid. It only affects about 4% of pregnancies and can cause Intrauterine Growth Restriction, birth defects, and cord compression. At my ultrasound when the technician said something seemed wrong and went to get the doctor, I wasn't even concerned. I was making jokes with my boyfriend, I was happy we were having a boy. The tone completely changed when the doctor came him. He talked about the baby being born with hyperplastic lungs (hard lungs or undeveloped lungs), the kidneys not developing, clubbed feet & hands, and pointed out the oval shaped head of the baby (which is also a sign that he's restricted in the uterus). It was scary. As soon as we left the hospital, I had to go right over to my doctors office. I spent the entire car ride trying to look information up on my phone about low amniotic fluid. Everything seemed so grim. At my doctors office she informed me about late term abortions, let me know the decision was mine and scheduled me to have another ultrasound a week later.
A week later the fluid was still the same. I had spent the whole week in between the two ultrasounds feeling totally depressed. I cried a lot to myself. I tried to look online for women who had the same problem, but had positive outcomes. I felt as though I had caused this problem. I was so scared that I would deliver a stillborn or a baby who looked mutated. Ultimately, Ted & I just decided to take a chance and go ahead with the pregnancy. I figured at any point something could change and my fluid could return to normal. I also didn't want to terminate a pregnancy that could result in a baby that's perfectly normal.
After the diagnosis I was told I couldn't have sex anymore (which seeing how far along I am now you can see it's been a LONG time). I was taken off work. I know it was hard for my manager to see me being taken off work. She tried to convince me to still work a few days a week but I don't think she realized the severity of what was going on. To be honest I guess I didn't realize the severity of what was going on because I still continued to cook and do light cleaning at home. I guess I should have asked my doctor to give me a more clear definition of what no activity meant. There would be days at home where I would think about all the potential negative outcomes of my pregnancy and burst out crying. It was depressing I couldn't play with my son the way I wanted to or take him to the park. In retrospect, if I could go back, I would have made myself be on an even more strict bed rest and taken it more seriously because my water may have never broke.
Two days before my water broke I had an ultrasound where my fluid levels had increased to 4cm, which is the most I had in the 4 ultrasounds I received. My doctor had been really happy about this. I was too. I figured cutting out the coffee and juice and pop, and drinking two gallons of water was finally paying off for me. That week I had spent a lot of time cleaning my apartment though. It was that rush of energy you get during the second trimester where you want to prepare for the baby. I think that's where I over did it and the next thing you know I was here in the hospital.
I'll end my story here for now and talk about the hospital experience tomorrow I guess. I'll also leave you with an adorable picture of Triston (hey why not!) Triston at Chuck E. Cheese
The visit with Ted's mom and aunt went well. Ted's mom is a lot like me. She's very quiet. I am so happy his aunt was there because she asks a lot of questions, so it kept the conversation rolling. It is weird to answer questions about breast feeding and breast pumps when they are coming from someone you barely know. I was also a little taken aback when I said I have a lot of Triston's clothes and she said "we don't want him in that, we want him in all new stuff." I understand that it will be my boyfriend's parent's first grandchild, but it kind of made me feel that she was saying the stuff that Triston had isn't good enough for another baby. Um, babies grow very quickly and to me it's frivolous to spend lots of money on new stuff that they will only wear a handful of times, or possibly might not even get a chance to wear at all before they outgrow it. I know Triston had clothes that he outgrew before I even got to put them on him.
Luckily for me I'm still on roommate number 6. She's makes minimal contact which I appreciate. Ted was able to take me down to the cafeteria today so I was able to get out of my room for about a half hour. I both like and dislike getting out of my room. I enjoy being able to get a change of scenery, but I hate the way people look at you when they see you getting pushed in a wheel chair. It's that sad "I wonder what's wrong with her look". I am pretty small this pregnancy, so people might assume I'm in here for something else, but it is pesky. On top of it I feel fine, so I hate the fact that I have to rely on someone to push me when I really could probably walk to the cafeteria and back without going into labor. But you never know, something that small COULD send me into labor.
The countdown is on until I make it to 28 weeks which is my first short term goal. I can't wait to make it there. I've had this feeling that if I make it to 28 weeks the baby will be ok. If I make it to 28 weeks the next goal is 31. I don't know why it's not 30 or 32, just 31 seems reassuring. God, imagining 4 more weeks in the hospital is insane, but I guess 4 is better than 7. I'm leaking a ridiculous amount, but the doctors say having no fluid is not a reason to deliver, so I guess I need to just listen to them and trust what they have to say.
I was at my 21 week ultrasound when I found out I had oligohydramnios. Oligohydramnios is low amniotic fluid defined by the absence of a single pocket of fluid at least 2-3cm in depth or having less than a total of 5cm in fluid. It only affects about 4% of pregnancies and can cause Intrauterine Growth Restriction, birth defects, and cord compression. At my ultrasound when the technician said something seemed wrong and went to get the doctor, I wasn't even concerned. I was making jokes with my boyfriend, I was happy we were having a boy. The tone completely changed when the doctor came him. He talked about the baby being born with hyperplastic lungs (hard lungs or undeveloped lungs), the kidneys not developing, clubbed feet & hands, and pointed out the oval shaped head of the baby (which is also a sign that he's restricted in the uterus). It was scary. As soon as we left the hospital, I had to go right over to my doctors office. I spent the entire car ride trying to look information up on my phone about low amniotic fluid. Everything seemed so grim. At my doctors office she informed me about late term abortions, let me know the decision was mine and scheduled me to have another ultrasound a week later.
A week later the fluid was still the same. I had spent the whole week in between the two ultrasounds feeling totally depressed. I cried a lot to myself. I tried to look online for women who had the same problem, but had positive outcomes. I felt as though I had caused this problem. I was so scared that I would deliver a stillborn or a baby who looked mutated. Ultimately, Ted & I just decided to take a chance and go ahead with the pregnancy. I figured at any point something could change and my fluid could return to normal. I also didn't want to terminate a pregnancy that could result in a baby that's perfectly normal.
After the diagnosis I was told I couldn't have sex anymore (which seeing how far along I am now you can see it's been a LONG time). I was taken off work. I know it was hard for my manager to see me being taken off work. She tried to convince me to still work a few days a week but I don't think she realized the severity of what was going on. To be honest I guess I didn't realize the severity of what was going on because I still continued to cook and do light cleaning at home. I guess I should have asked my doctor to give me a more clear definition of what no activity meant. There would be days at home where I would think about all the potential negative outcomes of my pregnancy and burst out crying. It was depressing I couldn't play with my son the way I wanted to or take him to the park. In retrospect, if I could go back, I would have made myself be on an even more strict bed rest and taken it more seriously because my water may have never broke.
Two days before my water broke I had an ultrasound where my fluid levels had increased to 4cm, which is the most I had in the 4 ultrasounds I received. My doctor had been really happy about this. I was too. I figured cutting out the coffee and juice and pop, and drinking two gallons of water was finally paying off for me. That week I had spent a lot of time cleaning my apartment though. It was that rush of energy you get during the second trimester where you want to prepare for the baby. I think that's where I over did it and the next thing you know I was here in the hospital.
Friday, July 8, 2011
2 weeks down
26w5d pregnant. Day 15 on hospital bed rest. 51 days left. The way I see it there is about 87% chance I would go into labor this week and deliver. Hopefully not, because my first short term goal is 28 weeks.
I like to use numbers because I can relate to numbers. Numbers don't display the levels of boredom I feel, or the sadness I feel. They are impersonal and create a system that's simple to follow.
Yesterday was so busy that I didn't even get a chance to post, even though I wanted to. My mexican roommate left at about 8am for her c section and I actually had about 12 hours of peace before they wheeled the next roommate in. And I had a lot of visitors.
First my manager from Arby's came. I've worked about Arby's for two years. I really don't want or plan to return there once I get out of here, but she brought me training materials to become a shift manager, and I guess if I had to return there I at least have the potential to make more than what I was making before. In all honesty, she has showed more concern than any of my friends since I have been in the hospital. She has called three times, and she and her two daughters were up here for almost two hours. She also brought me some magazines which I thought was nice. And it was actually nice to talk about what was going on at work. As much as I don't want to return there, it's a familiar place to me and hear about the different antics going on was amusing.
After she left my parents came up here with Triston. At first I wasn't going to tell them I saw a therapist, but I decided that I should. Even though I only saw him once, I've already made a vow to myself to try to express my feelings better. I kept telling my parents how much I appreciate them watching him and I can't imagine how difficult it is and hopefully they'll never have to do anything like this ever again with any other grandchildren. I absolutely love seeing Triston. I'm so happy when he comes to see me, even though he spends most of the time playing. It is extremely difficult to see him leave though. I feel like a part of me dies everytime I see his little stroller roll past my point of vision God, what a depressing thing to even think about.
After they left my boyfriend, Ted, came up here with some McDonalds. Also, my friend Kristal and my friend Gerald came up. Really we're all mutual friends, so this was nice. Kristal flat ironed my hair which is nice, it gives me a chance to not feel super hideous! Even though I have no one to impress while I'm here I decided I'm gonna do my hair on certain days just to occupy my time and feel good about myself.
So you would think with everyone coming to visit me I would have had a happy day. But really I felt kind of down. As nice as it is to have people visit I couldn't help but think about how they could leave and return to their normal lives while I am stuck. Apparently, Ted's mother and aunt are on their way. That's kind of awkward for me because I don't really know them, so I for the most part don't know what to talk to them about. I mean, it's not like I have any interesting information to share.
What I really wanted to talk about in this post is when I first found out I was pregnant. I was 16 weeks, almost 17 weeks. My emotions were very mixed. I was very happy with the way things were with my life. I like the way my apartment is set up and I felt it was perfect for me and Triston. So automatically I think about how things would change in my household. I worried about how a new baby would affect Triston, or if I'd be able to love another baby as much as Triston. I didn't want to necessarily try to move with my boyfriend (I'm on section 8 and moving would mean taking on more responsibilities with my bills which financially I wasn't ready to do). Part of me felt happy for Ted because a doctor had told him he most likely would never have children and he is so great with Triston that I know he'd be a great father. I was scared about not being able to finish school, and day care expenses. I thought about having an abortion, but an abortion that far along is actually killing a fetus, a baby, not an embryo that looks like a sack of nothing on an ultrasound screen. I was terrified to tell my parents, or anyone else. I thought people would look at me and think this girl has two kids, two years apart with different fathers, and assume I was a ho. I thought people would look at the fact I work at a fast food restaurant and receive all sorts of public assistance and think I want to have a kid to use the system or think I wasn't smart about making decisions.
It's basically something I just had to come to terms with. It did take a while but eventually it settled in with me and I started to become happy about having another kid. Basically when I started having complications, having an abortion wasn't even an option to me anymore. Other concerns of mine was the drinking I had done before I knew I was pregnant. I only was drinking about twice a week, sometimes it'd only be one glass of wine. The times I was the most concerned about would be the nights when my boyfriend and I would go on dates and I would drink excessively, and of course it would be hard liquor. Those times weren't all that often, but it scared me. It still does, but I do think the baby will be fine.
Despite all these problems I think the baby will be fine. His heartbeat is great, and at the last ultrasound they could see his lungs taking practice breaths.
I feel my post today was incredibly dull, but I'm honestly distracted. My boyfriend's mom coming makes me nervous. Hopefully they won't stay long and hopefully I won't feel too awkward. At least he gave me the proper forewarning!
(Me&Kristal)
I like to use numbers because I can relate to numbers. Numbers don't display the levels of boredom I feel, or the sadness I feel. They are impersonal and create a system that's simple to follow.
Yesterday was so busy that I didn't even get a chance to post, even though I wanted to. My mexican roommate left at about 8am for her c section and I actually had about 12 hours of peace before they wheeled the next roommate in. And I had a lot of visitors.
First my manager from Arby's came. I've worked about Arby's for two years. I really don't want or plan to return there once I get out of here, but she brought me training materials to become a shift manager, and I guess if I had to return there I at least have the potential to make more than what I was making before. In all honesty, she has showed more concern than any of my friends since I have been in the hospital. She has called three times, and she and her two daughters were up here for almost two hours. She also brought me some magazines which I thought was nice. And it was actually nice to talk about what was going on at work. As much as I don't want to return there, it's a familiar place to me and hear about the different antics going on was amusing.
After she left my parents came up here with Triston. At first I wasn't going to tell them I saw a therapist, but I decided that I should. Even though I only saw him once, I've already made a vow to myself to try to express my feelings better. I kept telling my parents how much I appreciate them watching him and I can't imagine how difficult it is and hopefully they'll never have to do anything like this ever again with any other grandchildren. I absolutely love seeing Triston. I'm so happy when he comes to see me, even though he spends most of the time playing. It is extremely difficult to see him leave though. I feel like a part of me dies everytime I see his little stroller roll past my point of vision God, what a depressing thing to even think about.
After they left my boyfriend, Ted, came up here with some McDonalds. Also, my friend Kristal and my friend Gerald came up. Really we're all mutual friends, so this was nice. Kristal flat ironed my hair which is nice, it gives me a chance to not feel super hideous! Even though I have no one to impress while I'm here I decided I'm gonna do my hair on certain days just to occupy my time and feel good about myself.
So you would think with everyone coming to visit me I would have had a happy day. But really I felt kind of down. As nice as it is to have people visit I couldn't help but think about how they could leave and return to their normal lives while I am stuck. Apparently, Ted's mother and aunt are on their way. That's kind of awkward for me because I don't really know them, so I for the most part don't know what to talk to them about. I mean, it's not like I have any interesting information to share.
What I really wanted to talk about in this post is when I first found out I was pregnant. I was 16 weeks, almost 17 weeks. My emotions were very mixed. I was very happy with the way things were with my life. I like the way my apartment is set up and I felt it was perfect for me and Triston. So automatically I think about how things would change in my household. I worried about how a new baby would affect Triston, or if I'd be able to love another baby as much as Triston. I didn't want to necessarily try to move with my boyfriend (I'm on section 8 and moving would mean taking on more responsibilities with my bills which financially I wasn't ready to do). Part of me felt happy for Ted because a doctor had told him he most likely would never have children and he is so great with Triston that I know he'd be a great father. I was scared about not being able to finish school, and day care expenses. I thought about having an abortion, but an abortion that far along is actually killing a fetus, a baby, not an embryo that looks like a sack of nothing on an ultrasound screen. I was terrified to tell my parents, or anyone else. I thought people would look at me and think this girl has two kids, two years apart with different fathers, and assume I was a ho. I thought people would look at the fact I work at a fast food restaurant and receive all sorts of public assistance and think I want to have a kid to use the system or think I wasn't smart about making decisions.
It's basically something I just had to come to terms with. It did take a while but eventually it settled in with me and I started to become happy about having another kid. Basically when I started having complications, having an abortion wasn't even an option to me anymore. Other concerns of mine was the drinking I had done before I knew I was pregnant. I only was drinking about twice a week, sometimes it'd only be one glass of wine. The times I was the most concerned about would be the nights when my boyfriend and I would go on dates and I would drink excessively, and of course it would be hard liquor. Those times weren't all that often, but it scared me. It still does, but I do think the baby will be fine.
Despite all these problems I think the baby will be fine. His heartbeat is great, and at the last ultrasound they could see his lungs taking practice breaths.
I feel my post today was incredibly dull, but I'm honestly distracted. My boyfriend's mom coming makes me nervous. Hopefully they won't stay long and hopefully I won't feel too awkward. At least he gave me the proper forewarning!
(Me&Kristal)Wednesday, July 6, 2011
First Post
My first blog post... ever. Not quite sure where to start. Not quite sure what I plan to talk about. I guess I can start with myself.
My name is Rachel. I'm 25 years old, I live in metro Detroit. My last (current) job was at Arby's. However, I'm on hospital bed rest so I'm not working right now and I'm hoping when I return to the work force it will be at a much better paying job. I go to Wayne State University to get my Bachelors in Social Work. It seems like I've been in school forever. Circumstances might delay my degree even further, but I am incredibly determined to receive it and finish school.
I like cooking, shopping, home decorating, being pampered, sleeping, watching tv, taking baths, long walks, candles, dancing, exercise, occasionally partying with friends, wine, chocolate, small dogs. I dabbled in local modeling, which may seem interesting, but being from the Detroit area it's really not an accomplishment. I hope to return to it in the fall because I did enjoy it and you make a lot of friends that way.
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My number one priority is my 22 month old son, Triston. He's a trip. One of those incredibly active kids, wants to spend all day running back and forth. He's smart though too. Learning his ABC's and how to count, can put on his own shoes, knows how to say "hey baby" and give someone a kiss (ladies man apparently). I love him with all of my heart and more. Probably every ounce of my blood.
So I'm on hospital bed rest with a second pregnancy. Everything was looking good until 21 weeks when I found out I had oligohydramnios, which is extremely low amniotic fluid. It was a very scary time for me because I automatically assumed the worst would happen. But my significant other and I didn't decide to terminate the pregnancy. We decided to ride it out and see what transpired. At 24 weeks and 5 days my water broke. I have been on hospital bed rest since then- 13 days to be exact. There was about a 75% chance I would have gone into labor by now. This is extremely difficult for me. This entire pregnancy has been very challenging for me. As much as I would love to start from the very "beginning" I probably never will. There was a "decision" I had made early in the pregnancy and I hold a lot of guilt thinking that "decision" is what has caused these problems. Out of shame, and out of wanting to protect my kid I will not vocalize what this "decision" was and from here on out, that's what it will be referred to if I decide to talk about it.
So most likely for the duration of my bed rest this blog will be about my hospital experience. I will probably talk about other things from my past as well, it just depends on the emotional journey I feel like taking that day. That's basically where the name of the blog comes from "The Life of a Champion." I think *hopefully crosses fingers* that we will name our son Champion. It just seems perfect. He is not even here and yet he has been through so much and seems to be striving despite this. The name is not 100% yet, but it is the one I am rooting for, so please don't none of you bitches steal it from me.
I'm going to stop here. I could probably type for another 30 minutes and make this the world's longest blog post, but I'm going to stop and leave this as an introduction. I'll start tomorrow. I'm tempted to start now, but I'm going to wait. I hope whoever stumbles upon this will enjoy.
My name is Rachel. I'm 25 years old, I live in metro Detroit. My last (current) job was at Arby's. However, I'm on hospital bed rest so I'm not working right now and I'm hoping when I return to the work force it will be at a much better paying job. I go to Wayne State University to get my Bachelors in Social Work. It seems like I've been in school forever. Circumstances might delay my degree even further, but I am incredibly determined to receive it and finish school.
I like cooking, shopping, home decorating, being pampered, sleeping, watching tv, taking baths, long walks, candles, dancing, exercise, occasionally partying with friends, wine, chocolate, small dogs. I dabbled in local modeling, which may seem interesting, but being from the Detroit area it's really not an accomplishment. I hope to return to it in the fall because I did enjoy it and you make a lot of friends that way.
So I'm on hospital bed rest with a second pregnancy. Everything was looking good until 21 weeks when I found out I had oligohydramnios, which is extremely low amniotic fluid. It was a very scary time for me because I automatically assumed the worst would happen. But my significant other and I didn't decide to terminate the pregnancy. We decided to ride it out and see what transpired. At 24 weeks and 5 days my water broke. I have been on hospital bed rest since then- 13 days to be exact. There was about a 75% chance I would have gone into labor by now. This is extremely difficult for me. This entire pregnancy has been very challenging for me. As much as I would love to start from the very "beginning" I probably never will. There was a "decision" I had made early in the pregnancy and I hold a lot of guilt thinking that "decision" is what has caused these problems. Out of shame, and out of wanting to protect my kid I will not vocalize what this "decision" was and from here on out, that's what it will be referred to if I decide to talk about it.
So most likely for the duration of my bed rest this blog will be about my hospital experience. I will probably talk about other things from my past as well, it just depends on the emotional journey I feel like taking that day. That's basically where the name of the blog comes from "The Life of a Champion." I think *hopefully crosses fingers* that we will name our son Champion. It just seems perfect. He is not even here and yet he has been through so much and seems to be striving despite this. The name is not 100% yet, but it is the one I am rooting for, so please don't none of you bitches steal it from me.
I'm going to stop here. I could probably type for another 30 minutes and make this the world's longest blog post, but I'm going to stop and leave this as an introduction. I'll start tomorrow. I'm tempted to start now, but I'm going to wait. I hope whoever stumbles upon this will enjoy.
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