Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Marino's here!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Less than 100 hours
I am 33w4d pregnant. I've been in the hospital for 63 days and my c-section is in 4 days.
Pretty pathetic that I'm actually counting down the hours isn't it? It's 6pm, so about 92 hours left... yeah, it's that serious.
A lot of adjectives come to mind when I think about how I'm feeling: anxious, excited, nervous, scared, happy, unrealistic, uncertain. Looking back, I can barely believe that I have been in this hospital for two whole months. I understand that I'm gonna be Marino's mom in a few days, but it doesn't seem real. This entire hospital stay I have been so focused on going home, and I still feel like that is my focus. Sure the NST's look great, but that doesn't say much about how the baby is going to be, and I am very scared to feel excited about something that may not be garunteed.
I had an ultrasound yesterday and the technician said he weighs 3lbs 15oz. I'm not quite sure how accurate their readings are, but that seems to me to be a little small considering how far along I am. I thought most babies at this point were past the 4lb mark. I know Marino can't go home until he is 4lbs and considering babies lose a few ounces after they are born, he might just have to stay in the hospital for a few days. I don't really look at this as a bad thing. If he stays I can actually go shopping for him and be prepared. I just want everything to be ok with him though. I don't want him to have breathing problems or have cerebral palsy. Yesterday Ted & I were watching one of those baby shows and this lady had a baby who's one hand didn't form because of the way the baby was lying in her pelvis. The thought definitely freaked Ted out (it also scared me, but I didn't want to let on) because the baby is laying sideways in my stomach. What if the toes or fingers on his hands or feet didn't form correctly? I know the doctor said clubbed hands or feet are a possibility and that those things can be fixed, but it doesn't make me any more prepared for that possibility. Ted finally brought up the subject of adoption after that tv show, asking under what pretenses I'd want to give a baby up for adoption. And I said if he had needs so bad that he'd never be able to walk or had severe brain impairment, or would have to wear a diaper his whole life. I mean those things wouldn't make me say "that's it, I can't care for him," but in reality certain things would be out of our financial spectrum and out of my ability to be patient. Regardless of any problems, I'm going to love my child and I would want for it to be an open adoption where I could see him as much as possible, or maybe place him in the care of a facility where I could visit him and take him home with me on weekends and holidays. But I would never want to feel like I'm abandoning my child and those options make me feel that way. I was surprised though at how shallow Ted was about the situation. He was like "you can't do shit in life without hands," as if he didn't hear the doctors on tv say the problem was fixable... as if prostetics aren't available. Sometime's it makes me mad because he acts as if the only careers in life are either athletic or in the entertainment industry. I think he is just scared though as well.
It is cute to see Ted do a lot of things I did when I was pregnant with Triston. He put together the pack n play he has at his house and cleaned his bedroom. He asked what he should buy from the store before Monday. My parents have also FINALLY gone to my house and done a little cleaning for me, which I totally appreciate. Apparently, parts of my apartment have been painted since I've been gone. He also thought about throwing a party a week or two after Triston's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese so we could celebrate Triston's birthday and also invite people to come and meet the new baby. I was really surprised how thoughtful he was to think of something for fun Triston and that included both kids. At first I was like "No, I don't want any parties, I'm too tired, I don't have the money, etc" but once he mentioned the idea and how it would include both kids i thought it was really nice.
Even though a lot of my feelings and emotions have changed, I don't feel guilty for the things I've thought and said over the last few months. The resentment, the guilt, the anger, the inability to understand... all of those thinsg were fueled by hormones, and frankly a depression that came with not only have an unexpected pregnancy but having to stay in a hospital for two months. I don't care anymore about the mean and insensitive things that people have said. No one can know how I feel being here, even if they've been in a similar situation. My situation in unique, everyone's situation is unique, so you can't tell me how to think and feel. I knew those feelings were superficial. I've felt love for this kid the second I found out I was pregnant. I felt love for Triston the second I found out I was pregnant with him but there doesn't mean there have been times in the last two years where I haven't thought about what my life would be like without him or there haven't been times where I've gotten mad at him irrationally and said things I didn't mean.
Today, right now at this very moment, I feel kind of blah. It's funny because part of me would STILL like to go into labor before Monday, but I know it's not worth trying any silly antics. Silly me keeps looking at the clock thinking that it might actually just stop at any moment and I'll be stuck here forever. I actually got used to this hospital routine. All those things I longed for- shopping and being at home, cleaning, seeing friends, going out- I feel like I have to learn to do those all again. And now the complication of trying to do those things around Ted's schedule, or with two kids on board will just make things all the more difficult. I do plan to get my hair done before Ted goes back to work though. One thing I actually understand is that "pampering myself" with manicure's & pedicure's & quiet shopping trips the way I did when it was just Triston will be much more few and far between. So yes, I definitely think I deserve to go get my hair done before Ted goes back to work. Not only will it make me feel good about myself, but cutting a few inches off will make doing my hair a lot easier with two little kids around. Besides that I just worry about how I'm actually going to buy groceries, or get my DHS benefits straightened out.
I might not post again for a while. Maybe I will one more time on Saturday before Marino is born. I am planning a busy day Sunday. I'm going to take the world's longest shower and shave (so that I can hopefully get in a few weeks without shaving once I get home), do a facial, paint my nails, visit with my parents and then visit with Kristal- who is going to straighten my hair. And of course Ted will be up here and I plan to catch my Sunday TV lineup (which I thoroughly enjoy) from 8-11, because I doubt I'll catch it. I also plan to eat a hardy meal close to midnight, considering I'll be going on a very strict, healthy diet starting that very next day. I really want to post about Marino's outcome (good or bad) but I may be very busy and might not get around to it for a while. I'm sure this is no big deal considering I'm probably the only person in cyberspace who reads this blog anyway, but I feel it's important. If someone dealing with oligohydramnios, pprom, or hospital bed rest stumbles upon this, it'll help give them perspective. So with that, I'm signing off!
Pretty pathetic that I'm actually counting down the hours isn't it? It's 6pm, so about 92 hours left... yeah, it's that serious.
A lot of adjectives come to mind when I think about how I'm feeling: anxious, excited, nervous, scared, happy, unrealistic, uncertain. Looking back, I can barely believe that I have been in this hospital for two whole months. I understand that I'm gonna be Marino's mom in a few days, but it doesn't seem real. This entire hospital stay I have been so focused on going home, and I still feel like that is my focus. Sure the NST's look great, but that doesn't say much about how the baby is going to be, and I am very scared to feel excited about something that may not be garunteed.
I had an ultrasound yesterday and the technician said he weighs 3lbs 15oz. I'm not quite sure how accurate their readings are, but that seems to me to be a little small considering how far along I am. I thought most babies at this point were past the 4lb mark. I know Marino can't go home until he is 4lbs and considering babies lose a few ounces after they are born, he might just have to stay in the hospital for a few days. I don't really look at this as a bad thing. If he stays I can actually go shopping for him and be prepared. I just want everything to be ok with him though. I don't want him to have breathing problems or have cerebral palsy. Yesterday Ted & I were watching one of those baby shows and this lady had a baby who's one hand didn't form because of the way the baby was lying in her pelvis. The thought definitely freaked Ted out (it also scared me, but I didn't want to let on) because the baby is laying sideways in my stomach. What if the toes or fingers on his hands or feet didn't form correctly? I know the doctor said clubbed hands or feet are a possibility and that those things can be fixed, but it doesn't make me any more prepared for that possibility. Ted finally brought up the subject of adoption after that tv show, asking under what pretenses I'd want to give a baby up for adoption. And I said if he had needs so bad that he'd never be able to walk or had severe brain impairment, or would have to wear a diaper his whole life. I mean those things wouldn't make me say "that's it, I can't care for him," but in reality certain things would be out of our financial spectrum and out of my ability to be patient. Regardless of any problems, I'm going to love my child and I would want for it to be an open adoption where I could see him as much as possible, or maybe place him in the care of a facility where I could visit him and take him home with me on weekends and holidays. But I would never want to feel like I'm abandoning my child and those options make me feel that way. I was surprised though at how shallow Ted was about the situation. He was like "you can't do shit in life without hands," as if he didn't hear the doctors on tv say the problem was fixable... as if prostetics aren't available. Sometime's it makes me mad because he acts as if the only careers in life are either athletic or in the entertainment industry. I think he is just scared though as well.
It is cute to see Ted do a lot of things I did when I was pregnant with Triston. He put together the pack n play he has at his house and cleaned his bedroom. He asked what he should buy from the store before Monday. My parents have also FINALLY gone to my house and done a little cleaning for me, which I totally appreciate. Apparently, parts of my apartment have been painted since I've been gone. He also thought about throwing a party a week or two after Triston's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese so we could celebrate Triston's birthday and also invite people to come and meet the new baby. I was really surprised how thoughtful he was to think of something for fun Triston and that included both kids. At first I was like "No, I don't want any parties, I'm too tired, I don't have the money, etc" but once he mentioned the idea and how it would include both kids i thought it was really nice.
Even though a lot of my feelings and emotions have changed, I don't feel guilty for the things I've thought and said over the last few months. The resentment, the guilt, the anger, the inability to understand... all of those thinsg were fueled by hormones, and frankly a depression that came with not only have an unexpected pregnancy but having to stay in a hospital for two months. I don't care anymore about the mean and insensitive things that people have said. No one can know how I feel being here, even if they've been in a similar situation. My situation in unique, everyone's situation is unique, so you can't tell me how to think and feel. I knew those feelings were superficial. I've felt love for this kid the second I found out I was pregnant. I felt love for Triston the second I found out I was pregnant with him but there doesn't mean there have been times in the last two years where I haven't thought about what my life would be like without him or there haven't been times where I've gotten mad at him irrationally and said things I didn't mean.
Today, right now at this very moment, I feel kind of blah. It's funny because part of me would STILL like to go into labor before Monday, but I know it's not worth trying any silly antics. Silly me keeps looking at the clock thinking that it might actually just stop at any moment and I'll be stuck here forever. I actually got used to this hospital routine. All those things I longed for- shopping and being at home, cleaning, seeing friends, going out- I feel like I have to learn to do those all again. And now the complication of trying to do those things around Ted's schedule, or with two kids on board will just make things all the more difficult. I do plan to get my hair done before Ted goes back to work though. One thing I actually understand is that "pampering myself" with manicure's & pedicure's & quiet shopping trips the way I did when it was just Triston will be much more few and far between. So yes, I definitely think I deserve to go get my hair done before Ted goes back to work. Not only will it make me feel good about myself, but cutting a few inches off will make doing my hair a lot easier with two little kids around. Besides that I just worry about how I'm actually going to buy groceries, or get my DHS benefits straightened out.
I might not post again for a while. Maybe I will one more time on Saturday before Marino is born. I am planning a busy day Sunday. I'm going to take the world's longest shower and shave (so that I can hopefully get in a few weeks without shaving once I get home), do a facial, paint my nails, visit with my parents and then visit with Kristal- who is going to straighten my hair. And of course Ted will be up here and I plan to catch my Sunday TV lineup (which I thoroughly enjoy) from 8-11, because I doubt I'll catch it. I also plan to eat a hardy meal close to midnight, considering I'll be going on a very strict, healthy diet starting that very next day. I really want to post about Marino's outcome (good or bad) but I may be very busy and might not get around to it for a while. I'm sure this is no big deal considering I'm probably the only person in cyberspace who reads this blog anyway, but I feel it's important. If someone dealing with oligohydramnios, pprom, or hospital bed rest stumbles upon this, it'll help give them perspective. So with that, I'm signing off!
Friday, August 19, 2011
I'm upset that no one understands
32w5d pregnant. 10 days until my c-section. 8 weeks on hospital bed rest.
It makes me so mad that no one understands my situation. No one who PERSONALLY knows me can understand. I've never had any friends who've been on hospital bed rest. My parents & boyfriend can't understand my anxiety and need to go home.
Some of these group boards make me mad too. My little secret, my little decision isn't something that people just OPENLY discuss and therefore even people in situations similar to mine will NEVER understand what it is I'm going through. I want to tell people. I really do, I want to just share it with the world. But I'm not ready for the repercussions and the nasty comments. What I need is support and I'm not going to find it- ANYWHERE.
I didn't want a second child. At least not right now in my life. I was happy with EVERYTHING in my life. I was happy with my education, I was happy with my apartment and the way it was set up. I was happy being the single mother to a 2 year old who was still occasionally allowed to be herself and go out. Now everything is changing. I'm gonna have to stay up all night and day. I'm going to have to figure out how to fit two boys into a small room, how to temporarily put a crib in my room, how to fit baby toys into my living room. I'm going to have to boil kettles of water for bottles and use a diaper genie and change the diapers of not 1, but 2 boys. Ted is trying to force change upon me. Force me to get a better job, force me to pay more in rent by moving to another apartment (which will probably be smaller than the one I already have).
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Another unintended post
I'm 32w5d pregnant. I've been in the hospital for 56 days and I have 11 days until my c-section.
I just first want to say that Mr Allens now accepts EBT cash. Detroit is becoming more and more increasingly ghetto. Rainbow and Smiley's Pizza also take EBT cash. This is so pitiful.
So when it rains it pours. Stupid DHS sent a letter in the mail saying my food stamps would be cut off at the end of this month because I didn't turn in my renewal form. Um, my dad drove it to the office and put it in the drop box. The last thing I need is to get out of this hospital and not have money to buy groceries and formula. DHS is truly a class act. And the JET program has been contacting me about not turning in pay stubs. Yeah, I haven't worked in like 3 months. And after I tell the lady I've been in the hospital for over 7 weeks she's like "Can you come in today with a doctors note?" Bitch, are you stupid? I just said I was in the hospital dumb ass. I'm really sick of having all of this "by appointment only" type of stuff happening to me while I'm here in the hospital.
So I have less than a week until my c-section. 1 week and 4 days. But today I am not in a good mood. No. First, I know I probably won't have any visitors until Sunday which leaves me 3 whole boring days to myself. Second, I order breakfast at like 10:30... at about 11:45 I'm thinking "where's my breakfast?" but I'm trying to be patient. I call the cafeteria at 12:15 and let the phone ring for 10 minutes before I finally gave up and microwaved some pizza I had left over from yesterday. For whatever reason, that really set it off. I've been in this horrible, pissy, mopey mood ever since.
I feel like this baby is torturing me. I feel like God is torturing me. Like I did something to be pulled away from my son for two months. I don't understand WHY I just won't go into labor already? I've tried spicy food, massage, acupressure. Yesterday I walked at least a mile and a half. All I got from that is a sore leg. I can understand that with a normal pregnancy you really can't jump start labor, but my water has been broken for 8 weeks. Shouldn't that be signaling my body to go into labor? What if something goes wrong with the baby? I will be so angry that I've been here all summer for essentially nothing. That's what it feels like- I'm "working" towards nothing. I've been increasingly irritated with Ted. He does pretty much everything I ask, but it seems like everything about him has been making me so mad. If I say I want to go down to the cafeteria at 11, we don't get down there until 11:30. He has a comment for EVERYTHING and it's always negative. Sometimes I order him food when I'm not hungry. *I'm the patient, this food is supposed to be for me* and so to make a complaint EVERY SINGLE TIME I get you food, annoys the hell out of me! This isn't Coney Island. I'm most likely taking my frustrations out of him because I see him more than anyone else. Maybe it's because I haven't had sex in 3 months. I'm actually looking forward to the next time I can have sex, which is surprising, because when I got pregnant in January sex was the last thing I was looking forward to.
Triston came yesterday. It's fun but difficult. I feel down before he comes, I feel down when he leaves, and I feel overwhelmed while he's here. Ted wheeled us down to the cafeteria where Triston mostly threw food on the floor. Then we went to labor and delivery where there's a play table that Triston played at. He also danced around as this other little boy (about 6) kind of egged him on to dance. I couldn't help but to laugh. Then he threw a huge fit when we had to leave and go get his bag. I felt horrible as my dad strapped him in his car seat to take him home. He looked at me like why isn't mom getting in the car too? Even though it's less than two weeks, it's so hard to be away from him. I don't know why God would do this to me, I really don't.
I just first want to say that Mr Allens now accepts EBT cash. Detroit is becoming more and more increasingly ghetto. Rainbow and Smiley's Pizza also take EBT cash. This is so pitiful.
So when it rains it pours. Stupid DHS sent a letter in the mail saying my food stamps would be cut off at the end of this month because I didn't turn in my renewal form. Um, my dad drove it to the office and put it in the drop box. The last thing I need is to get out of this hospital and not have money to buy groceries and formula. DHS is truly a class act. And the JET program has been contacting me about not turning in pay stubs. Yeah, I haven't worked in like 3 months. And after I tell the lady I've been in the hospital for over 7 weeks she's like "Can you come in today with a doctors note?" Bitch, are you stupid? I just said I was in the hospital dumb ass. I'm really sick of having all of this "by appointment only" type of stuff happening to me while I'm here in the hospital.
So I have less than a week until my c-section. 1 week and 4 days. But today I am not in a good mood. No. First, I know I probably won't have any visitors until Sunday which leaves me 3 whole boring days to myself. Second, I order breakfast at like 10:30... at about 11:45 I'm thinking "where's my breakfast?" but I'm trying to be patient. I call the cafeteria at 12:15 and let the phone ring for 10 minutes before I finally gave up and microwaved some pizza I had left over from yesterday. For whatever reason, that really set it off. I've been in this horrible, pissy, mopey mood ever since.
I feel like this baby is torturing me. I feel like God is torturing me. Like I did something to be pulled away from my son for two months. I don't understand WHY I just won't go into labor already? I've tried spicy food, massage, acupressure. Yesterday I walked at least a mile and a half. All I got from that is a sore leg. I can understand that with a normal pregnancy you really can't jump start labor, but my water has been broken for 8 weeks. Shouldn't that be signaling my body to go into labor? What if something goes wrong with the baby? I will be so angry that I've been here all summer for essentially nothing. That's what it feels like- I'm "working" towards nothing. I've been increasingly irritated with Ted. He does pretty much everything I ask, but it seems like everything about him has been making me so mad. If I say I want to go down to the cafeteria at 11, we don't get down there until 11:30. He has a comment for EVERYTHING and it's always negative. Sometimes I order him food when I'm not hungry. *I'm the patient, this food is supposed to be for me* and so to make a complaint EVERY SINGLE TIME I get you food, annoys the hell out of me! This isn't Coney Island. I'm most likely taking my frustrations out of him because I see him more than anyone else. Maybe it's because I haven't had sex in 3 months. I'm actually looking forward to the next time I can have sex, which is surprising, because when I got pregnant in January sex was the last thing I was looking forward to.
Triston came yesterday. It's fun but difficult. I feel down before he comes, I feel down when he leaves, and I feel overwhelmed while he's here. Ted wheeled us down to the cafeteria where Triston mostly threw food on the floor. Then we went to labor and delivery where there's a play table that Triston played at. He also danced around as this other little boy (about 6) kind of egged him on to dance. I couldn't help but to laugh. Then he threw a huge fit when we had to leave and go get his bag. I felt horrible as my dad strapped him in his car seat to take him home. He looked at me like why isn't mom getting in the car too? Even though it's less than two weeks, it's so hard to be away from him. I don't know why God would do this to me, I really don't.
Monday, August 15, 2011
2 weeks left
32w1d pregnant. 53 days in the hospital. 14 days until my c-section.
Can you believe I've been here this long? I can't believe I've been here this long. I don't even think the doctors believe I've been here this long. When they come into my room they are like "You sure are trying to ride this thing out, aren't you?" If they only knew! I've done squats in the bathroom, jogged in my room, did some seriuos booty poppin, tried acupressure....
What I can't wait for it TOMORROW. Tomorrow I can say I only have 1 week and 6 days left. I will no longer have to wait multiple weeks to have my baby. He is in my grasp. Yesterday one of my high school friends visited me and brought me some very hot Thai food. I thought maybe that would cause labor. My butt was burning today when I used the bathroom, but no labor. So today...
I GOT A MASSAGE!
I've never gotten a massage before. Though it sucks my very first massage had to be under these pretenses, it was great! I was worried I would feel uncomfortable but I didn't. It was extremely relaxing and I could really feel the baby moving around when she worked certain pressure points. I wish I had the type of money that would allow me to get massages all the time! After my massage I scarfed down the rest of my super hot Thai food, followed by WAY too much ice cream. Maybe the combination of massage and hot food will make me have contractions??
My manager predicted I would have the baby tomorrow or Wednesday, I know my mom is really rooting for me to have the baby this week. I think everyone (besides Ted and probably my father) are rooting for me to have the baby at this point. I'm sure if the doctors could legally give me a c-section at this point they would, but unless they have a reason to at this point, they can't. I would like to have the baby this week, but if I don't have it by the 17th I'm going to give up on the vision of having him between 31-32 weeks. I've already passed the whole 31 mark, the first time my intuition has failed me this pregnancy.
Lucky for me, it seems these last two weeks will pass much more quickly than the first 7. Tomorrow I have a "stork's nest" meeting. I believe that is where I sign all of my c-section and baby paperwork (so I'm not trying to do it in a rush). Ted will be up here both Tuesday and Wednesday and will probably bring Triston up here on Wednesday. Next week I'm sure I'll have ultrasounds or something. And the possibility of having the c-section on Sunday, the 28th is still a possibility, which shaves a cool 24 hours off of my stay.
I sound *MUCH* more positive than a lot of my previous posts don't I? I totally think it's the massage talking.
The only thing that I'm a little down about is Triston. I love my son, I want to be with him so much. I want to be at home with him, shower him with special attention before his brother arrives. I don't want to do that here. I feel bad, horrible, guilty- but part of me doesn't even want Ted to bring him up here on Wednesday. It's so hard to entertain him while he's here. There's nothing for him to do, and it exhausts me. And it makes me sad when he has to go, but I'm frustrated while he's here. I feel like a bad mom to say "Don't bring him" but it's a heartbreaking situation, it really is. I'm finally ready to be a mom of 2. My feelings of shopping and going out with friends has subsided and now I'm thinking about staying up all night and dividing my attention and making dinners. I am just not prepared for Marino to come home at the same time I come home. I want him to have to stay in the hospital a few days, and that makes me feel guilty as well. While it is a little bit of the adjustment for me, it's mostly for Triston. I feel so unfair that I haven't spent any of the summer with him, and then to just all the sudden take him back home with a brother that he doesn't understand the concept of... how do I do that to him? I'm ready, but I'm scared. That's why I want to have him sooner, so that he can be here in the hospital, while I spend time with Triston and recuperate, and prepare my apartment for the change. But in all honesty, I don't think it's going to happen before the 29th... I think I'm gonna be here until the very end.
Can you believe I've been here this long? I can't believe I've been here this long. I don't even think the doctors believe I've been here this long. When they come into my room they are like "You sure are trying to ride this thing out, aren't you?" If they only knew! I've done squats in the bathroom, jogged in my room, did some seriuos booty poppin, tried acupressure....
What I can't wait for it TOMORROW. Tomorrow I can say I only have 1 week and 6 days left. I will no longer have to wait multiple weeks to have my baby. He is in my grasp. Yesterday one of my high school friends visited me and brought me some very hot Thai food. I thought maybe that would cause labor. My butt was burning today when I used the bathroom, but no labor. So today...
I GOT A MASSAGE!
I've never gotten a massage before. Though it sucks my very first massage had to be under these pretenses, it was great! I was worried I would feel uncomfortable but I didn't. It was extremely relaxing and I could really feel the baby moving around when she worked certain pressure points. I wish I had the type of money that would allow me to get massages all the time! After my massage I scarfed down the rest of my super hot Thai food, followed by WAY too much ice cream. Maybe the combination of massage and hot food will make me have contractions??
My manager predicted I would have the baby tomorrow or Wednesday, I know my mom is really rooting for me to have the baby this week. I think everyone (besides Ted and probably my father) are rooting for me to have the baby at this point. I'm sure if the doctors could legally give me a c-section at this point they would, but unless they have a reason to at this point, they can't. I would like to have the baby this week, but if I don't have it by the 17th I'm going to give up on the vision of having him between 31-32 weeks. I've already passed the whole 31 mark, the first time my intuition has failed me this pregnancy.
Lucky for me, it seems these last two weeks will pass much more quickly than the first 7. Tomorrow I have a "stork's nest" meeting. I believe that is where I sign all of my c-section and baby paperwork (so I'm not trying to do it in a rush). Ted will be up here both Tuesday and Wednesday and will probably bring Triston up here on Wednesday. Next week I'm sure I'll have ultrasounds or something. And the possibility of having the c-section on Sunday, the 28th is still a possibility, which shaves a cool 24 hours off of my stay.
I sound *MUCH* more positive than a lot of my previous posts don't I? I totally think it's the massage talking.
The only thing that I'm a little down about is Triston. I love my son, I want to be with him so much. I want to be at home with him, shower him with special attention before his brother arrives. I don't want to do that here. I feel bad, horrible, guilty- but part of me doesn't even want Ted to bring him up here on Wednesday. It's so hard to entertain him while he's here. There's nothing for him to do, and it exhausts me. And it makes me sad when he has to go, but I'm frustrated while he's here. I feel like a bad mom to say "Don't bring him" but it's a heartbreaking situation, it really is. I'm finally ready to be a mom of 2. My feelings of shopping and going out with friends has subsided and now I'm thinking about staying up all night and dividing my attention and making dinners. I am just not prepared for Marino to come home at the same time I come home. I want him to have to stay in the hospital a few days, and that makes me feel guilty as well. While it is a little bit of the adjustment for me, it's mostly for Triston. I feel so unfair that I haven't spent any of the summer with him, and then to just all the sudden take him back home with a brother that he doesn't understand the concept of... how do I do that to him? I'm ready, but I'm scared. That's why I want to have him sooner, so that he can be here in the hospital, while I spend time with Triston and recuperate, and prepare my apartment for the change. But in all honesty, I don't think it's going to happen before the 29th... I think I'm gonna be here until the very end.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Let me tell you
Today I am 31w4d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 49 days and have 18 days left until my c-section.
Why is it that everyone else seems to think 18 days will fly by so quickly. I am to the point where I count the hours in the day. Every hour that passes I go "Only XX hours until 17 days left" Currently only 6 hours until I have 17 days left. Today I was so unmotivated to do anything that after I ate breakfast I pretty much laid in my bed until 3pm. I didn't want to read, go online, eat, shower, etc. I haven't flat ironed my hair in weeks just because I don't feel like going through the process and I have no one to impress.
Right now I am in a super crabby mood. I ate way too much for lunch (4 pieces of stuff crussed pizza) and then only thing that would make me feel good right about now would be some extra strength Xlax. Plus this stupid hospital internet that the Babycenter community blocked off for whatever dumb reason. I didn't even plan to post.
But anyway, let me tell you something. There is no possible way to naturally induce labor if your body is not ready for it. I figured, hey, my body IS ready for it. My water is broken, how can my body NOT be ready? I've been using acupressure points for the last few days, and I know I'm pressing the right areas because the baby moves around like crazy, but they definitely aren't causing contractions. I ate pizza covered with pineapple and crushed red peppers and besides feeling totally constipated, it definitely didn't trigger labor. I think the only thing that does work effectively is sex, but again that only works if your body is ready. What I don't understand is why my body has lasted this long. Sure it's a wonderful thing that I'm now almost 32 weeks, but most people only last 4 weeks after they've pprom'd and it's been 7 for me. After 4 weeks the chance of infection increases and at this point I just wish Marino would make the decision to arrive already. I am so despondent about being here!
I'm trying to find a massage therapist who would come to the hospital to give me a massage. Obviously I need to clear it with the doctors first, but maybe if I had a nice relaxing massage my body would be ready to signal labor. I know oxytocin is one of the hormones important in labor and I definitely haven't been feeling any affection lately. I'm also not one to want to play around with my leaky nipples (gross). This hospital bed isn't really big enough for me and Ted, and he's not a big cuddler anyway. I thought maybe if we got a little makeout time in together it could trigger things, but that would only be cruel to him considering we haven't been able to have sex in nearly 3 months! Again, a nice massage, whether it makes Marino come faster or not, sounds really good and worth the money right about now. I'm also trying to find someone who does manicures and pedicures who could come to me. If someone had one of those portable pedicure tubs and could come give my feet a nice pedicure it would make me so happy. I'm also hoping maybe Ted will go to wal-mart and buy me one of those portable back chair massagers. My back hurts so bad from sitting in this bed all day. One of those massagers would be great because I'll get plenty of use from it the last two weeks while I'm hear in the hospital and I could probably use it a ton while I'm at home up all night rocking the new baby. Anyway I really don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this time, I guess I'm just going to have to do it. :(
Why is it that everyone else seems to think 18 days will fly by so quickly. I am to the point where I count the hours in the day. Every hour that passes I go "Only XX hours until 17 days left" Currently only 6 hours until I have 17 days left. Today I was so unmotivated to do anything that after I ate breakfast I pretty much laid in my bed until 3pm. I didn't want to read, go online, eat, shower, etc. I haven't flat ironed my hair in weeks just because I don't feel like going through the process and I have no one to impress.
Right now I am in a super crabby mood. I ate way too much for lunch (4 pieces of stuff crussed pizza) and then only thing that would make me feel good right about now would be some extra strength Xlax. Plus this stupid hospital internet that the Babycenter community blocked off for whatever dumb reason. I didn't even plan to post.
But anyway, let me tell you something. There is no possible way to naturally induce labor if your body is not ready for it. I figured, hey, my body IS ready for it. My water is broken, how can my body NOT be ready? I've been using acupressure points for the last few days, and I know I'm pressing the right areas because the baby moves around like crazy, but they definitely aren't causing contractions. I ate pizza covered with pineapple and crushed red peppers and besides feeling totally constipated, it definitely didn't trigger labor. I think the only thing that does work effectively is sex, but again that only works if your body is ready. What I don't understand is why my body has lasted this long. Sure it's a wonderful thing that I'm now almost 32 weeks, but most people only last 4 weeks after they've pprom'd and it's been 7 for me. After 4 weeks the chance of infection increases and at this point I just wish Marino would make the decision to arrive already. I am so despondent about being here!
I'm trying to find a massage therapist who would come to the hospital to give me a massage. Obviously I need to clear it with the doctors first, but maybe if I had a nice relaxing massage my body would be ready to signal labor. I know oxytocin is one of the hormones important in labor and I definitely haven't been feeling any affection lately. I'm also not one to want to play around with my leaky nipples (gross). This hospital bed isn't really big enough for me and Ted, and he's not a big cuddler anyway. I thought maybe if we got a little makeout time in together it could trigger things, but that would only be cruel to him considering we haven't been able to have sex in nearly 3 months! Again, a nice massage, whether it makes Marino come faster or not, sounds really good and worth the money right about now. I'm also trying to find someone who does manicures and pedicures who could come to me. If someone had one of those portable pedicure tubs and could come give my feet a nice pedicure it would make me so happy. I'm also hoping maybe Ted will go to wal-mart and buy me one of those portable back chair massagers. My back hurts so bad from sitting in this bed all day. One of those massagers would be great because I'll get plenty of use from it the last two weeks while I'm hear in the hospital and I could probably use it a ton while I'm at home up all night rocking the new baby. Anyway I really don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this time, I guess I'm just going to have to do it. :(
Monday, August 8, 2011
3 weeks left
31w1d pregnant. 46 days in the hospital. Exactly 3 weeks left.
Oh, poor Rachel, but what happened to possibly having the c-section on the 26th instead of the 29th? Well my dumbass has learned, after 6 freaking weeks, what doctor I should avoid talking to when it involves sympathy! I asked Dr. Garmel about what Dr Mariona said regarding having the c-section on the 26th and she was like "No, we don't do elective c-sections before 34 weeks." Look lady that 72 hours you are refusing to shave from my hospital stay in the fine line between my sanity and my insanity! She did say that I need to bug the doctor to schedule my c-section so I can have the first one that day.
Well, if I'm gonna be bugging Dr. Mariona to schedule anything, you better believe it's going to be for Friday. I mean it looks really bad for one doctor to go over another doctor's head and change something that is already scheduled. If I was looking at the 26th, I'd have 18 days left. 21 days seems sooooo much longer. And I'm trying to hang tight, but I'm actually at the point where I'm ready to meet Marino. I'm ready to hold him and have two children. It finally hit me today. So yeah I can hang in there for three more weeks, I'd just really prefer not to.
My blog actually just got interrupted by the doctor coming in. She scheduled it for Monday, 2pm :( But she thinks that the other slots will open up, that the women schedule for that day will have their babies before then. If it doesn't clear up she said she would do it for me on Sunday. In the meantime what can I do to get this baby out now? lol. I predicted I'd have the baby somewhere between 31-32 weeks. I'd honestly say somewhere between the 9th-17th. That's like an 8 day window, so we will see if my intuition fails me or not.... maybe if I start doing jumping jacks...
Oh, poor Rachel, but what happened to possibly having the c-section on the 26th instead of the 29th? Well my dumbass has learned, after 6 freaking weeks, what doctor I should avoid talking to when it involves sympathy! I asked Dr. Garmel about what Dr Mariona said regarding having the c-section on the 26th and she was like "No, we don't do elective c-sections before 34 weeks." Look lady that 72 hours you are refusing to shave from my hospital stay in the fine line between my sanity and my insanity! She did say that I need to bug the doctor to schedule my c-section so I can have the first one that day.
Well, if I'm gonna be bugging Dr. Mariona to schedule anything, you better believe it's going to be for Friday. I mean it looks really bad for one doctor to go over another doctor's head and change something that is already scheduled. If I was looking at the 26th, I'd have 18 days left. 21 days seems sooooo much longer. And I'm trying to hang tight, but I'm actually at the point where I'm ready to meet Marino. I'm ready to hold him and have two children. It finally hit me today. So yeah I can hang in there for three more weeks, I'd just really prefer not to.
My blog actually just got interrupted by the doctor coming in. She scheduled it for Monday, 2pm :( But she thinks that the other slots will open up, that the women schedule for that day will have their babies before then. If it doesn't clear up she said she would do it for me on Sunday. In the meantime what can I do to get this baby out now? lol. I predicted I'd have the baby somewhere between 31-32 weeks. I'd honestly say somewhere between the 9th-17th. That's like an 8 day window, so we will see if my intuition fails me or not.... maybe if I start doing jumping jacks...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Another irritated day
Today I'm 30w4 pregnant, I have been in the hospital for 42 days and have 22-25 days left until my c-section.
I'm so over this experience. My hormones must be in overdrive today because I went from sleeping, to being cool, to crying, to being irritated today. Seriously, why the fuck do the nurses come in at the most inconvenient times and then linger around like I want to have a conversation with them? If I want to have a conversation with you, I will, but if I'm clearly busy don't just stand there thinking I'm about to open up with something super interesting to say.
My frustration stems from the following story. I get a letter from Friend of the Court, a court date to be exact. I've been waiting for this forever! I want to go to court, see Boorah not show up, and ask them to terminate his parental rights. The fucking court date is for August 15th and more than likely I won't be out of the hospital before then. I mean I know I said I thought I'd have the baby between 31-32 weeks but I'm doubting my intuition cuz this is by far the most boring and stable pregnancy in the history of mankind. I've called Friend of the Court 6 times. The office I need to contact has no phone number... just a fax number, as if everyone on the 6th phone is too busy to be bothered and they don't have a phone up there. All four of the people I spoke to told me they don't reschedule these sorts of court dates and a default judgment will be sent to me in the mail if I don't show up. I don't want a default judgment. I want to go to court and show that I'm the good, caring responsible parent and get something accomplished! My only option is to write a letter pleading for another court date, send it along with my court information and medical documentation to the fax number I've been given and hope they call me and change the court date. Then on top of it the paperwork clearly states that if you don't show up to court as you are required to do your public assistance benefits and medical assistance can be reduced or terminated. So I'd basically be in the hospital for 2 weeks with no health insurance.
I talked to the doctor about this and she said if I have to go to court I'd have to sign the AMA papers and come back that night. Well if I do that Medicaid can deny covering the rest of my hospital expenses and be left with the huge bill. Fucking double edged sword, catch-22 situation. And I'm sorry but if I leave the hospital I'm going to be out the whole freaking day. I'm coming back at like freaking midnight. I'm gonna go out to eat and go shopping and walk around outside. I'm not about to just go and come right back... so if I go I'm gonna need my parents to take me because Ted's strict ass if gonna bring me right back to the fucking hospital.
Anyway the doctor had given me this girdle to wear cuz I said my pubic bone was hurting. I just took the girdle off... maybe I had it too tight, but it felt like it was cutting off my circulation. After I was done crying today my stomach tightened for like 30 minutes straight and I thought God was just doing his part to work everything out for me but to no such avail.
This blog helps me pass the time and state my emotions guilt-free. But I'm so sick of posting the same old, same old everyday. So I may wait and not post every other day. I may only do it once or twice a week so I can feel I have something worth talking about. :-/
Triston, last week at the hospital
I'm so over this experience. My hormones must be in overdrive today because I went from sleeping, to being cool, to crying, to being irritated today. Seriously, why the fuck do the nurses come in at the most inconvenient times and then linger around like I want to have a conversation with them? If I want to have a conversation with you, I will, but if I'm clearly busy don't just stand there thinking I'm about to open up with something super interesting to say.
My frustration stems from the following story. I get a letter from Friend of the Court, a court date to be exact. I've been waiting for this forever! I want to go to court, see Boorah not show up, and ask them to terminate his parental rights. The fucking court date is for August 15th and more than likely I won't be out of the hospital before then. I mean I know I said I thought I'd have the baby between 31-32 weeks but I'm doubting my intuition cuz this is by far the most boring and stable pregnancy in the history of mankind. I've called Friend of the Court 6 times. The office I need to contact has no phone number... just a fax number, as if everyone on the 6th phone is too busy to be bothered and they don't have a phone up there. All four of the people I spoke to told me they don't reschedule these sorts of court dates and a default judgment will be sent to me in the mail if I don't show up. I don't want a default judgment. I want to go to court and show that I'm the good, caring responsible parent and get something accomplished! My only option is to write a letter pleading for another court date, send it along with my court information and medical documentation to the fax number I've been given and hope they call me and change the court date. Then on top of it the paperwork clearly states that if you don't show up to court as you are required to do your public assistance benefits and medical assistance can be reduced or terminated. So I'd basically be in the hospital for 2 weeks with no health insurance.
I talked to the doctor about this and she said if I have to go to court I'd have to sign the AMA papers and come back that night. Well if I do that Medicaid can deny covering the rest of my hospital expenses and be left with the huge bill. Fucking double edged sword, catch-22 situation. And I'm sorry but if I leave the hospital I'm going to be out the whole freaking day. I'm coming back at like freaking midnight. I'm gonna go out to eat and go shopping and walk around outside. I'm not about to just go and come right back... so if I go I'm gonna need my parents to take me because Ted's strict ass if gonna bring me right back to the fucking hospital.
Anyway the doctor had given me this girdle to wear cuz I said my pubic bone was hurting. I just took the girdle off... maybe I had it too tight, but it felt like it was cutting off my circulation. After I was done crying today my stomach tightened for like 30 minutes straight and I thought God was just doing his part to work everything out for me but to no such avail.
This blog helps me pass the time and state my emotions guilt-free. But I'm so sick of posting the same old, same old everyday. So I may wait and not post every other day. I may only do it once or twice a week so I can feel I have something worth talking about. :-/
Triston, last week at the hospitalTuesday, August 2, 2011
...
Today I'm 30w2d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 40 days.
I've come so far but yet it feels like I have so long to go.
Ted has to leave the state for training for his job on August 29th. If I make it to 34 weeks that was going to be the day they'd perform the c-section according to the one high risk doctor. Ugh. **But** I got lucky. I asked one of the other high risk doctors and when I mentioned I'd be 34 weeks on a Sunday I said the other doctor said my c-section would be Monday. He immediately jumped in and said "Or the Friday before". This made me so happy for obviously more than one reason. First I didn't have to even explain the fact that Ted might not even be there to see his first child being born. Secondly that shaves a whole 3 days off my hospital stay. I'm still trying to be a negative Nancy and pretend as if I have a whole 27 days left... but it may only be 24! And despite this small victory it still seems so far away!
Today I've had lots of back and abdominal pain, but I'm sitting in the bed you would in a lay-z boy recliner and I'm wondering if that's causing the back pain. Yet I continue to sit this way as if it'll induce labor. I had an ultrasound today and my poor baby seems so squished in there. I just want him to come already. I just want to be introduced back into the real world. I try to spend a ridiculous amount of time being active with Triston hoping it'll trigger labor and it never does. I know I still need to be patient and wait but I am so sick of being pregnant and I'm so sick of being here. I hate being pregnant, I don't want more kids after this, but I really don't want my tubes tied... I think maybe someday down the road I may want one more. (ugh I could kick myself for saying that). I'd like to keep my vanity for a few more years in the mean time.
Anyway Kristal visited today. It was nice having someone come. It passed some of the time and the day is almost done with now. I still feel relentlessly depressed and hopeless though. I want to cry but it's like I'm devoid of real emotion. To me that's what real depression is- not being able to feel real emotion. Just feeling listless.
So that's that for the day. I really just wanted to share with the world that it may only be 24 days left instead of 27. I hope for 24. Really I hope I'm out of here much sooner. I keep putting my hands on my belly and try to send positive energy to my fetus to head towards the light at the end of my vagina. It's not working though. Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I just stopped trying.
I've come so far but yet it feels like I have so long to go.
Ted has to leave the state for training for his job on August 29th. If I make it to 34 weeks that was going to be the day they'd perform the c-section according to the one high risk doctor. Ugh. **But** I got lucky. I asked one of the other high risk doctors and when I mentioned I'd be 34 weeks on a Sunday I said the other doctor said my c-section would be Monday. He immediately jumped in and said "Or the Friday before". This made me so happy for obviously more than one reason. First I didn't have to even explain the fact that Ted might not even be there to see his first child being born. Secondly that shaves a whole 3 days off my hospital stay. I'm still trying to be a negative Nancy and pretend as if I have a whole 27 days left... but it may only be 24! And despite this small victory it still seems so far away!
Today I've had lots of back and abdominal pain, but I'm sitting in the bed you would in a lay-z boy recliner and I'm wondering if that's causing the back pain. Yet I continue to sit this way as if it'll induce labor. I had an ultrasound today and my poor baby seems so squished in there. I just want him to come already. I just want to be introduced back into the real world. I try to spend a ridiculous amount of time being active with Triston hoping it'll trigger labor and it never does. I know I still need to be patient and wait but I am so sick of being pregnant and I'm so sick of being here. I hate being pregnant, I don't want more kids after this, but I really don't want my tubes tied... I think maybe someday down the road I may want one more. (ugh I could kick myself for saying that). I'd like to keep my vanity for a few more years in the mean time.
Anyway Kristal visited today. It was nice having someone come. It passed some of the time and the day is almost done with now. I still feel relentlessly depressed and hopeless though. I want to cry but it's like I'm devoid of real emotion. To me that's what real depression is- not being able to feel real emotion. Just feeling listless.
So that's that for the day. I really just wanted to share with the world that it may only be 24 days left instead of 27. I hope for 24. Really I hope I'm out of here much sooner. I keep putting my hands on my belly and try to send positive energy to my fetus to head towards the light at the end of my vagina. It's not working though. Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I just stopped trying.
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