I'm upset that no one understands

32w5d pregnant. 10 days until my c-section. 8 weeks on hospital bed rest.

It makes me so mad that no one understands my situation. No one who PERSONALLY knows me can understand. I've never had any friends who've been on hospital bed rest. My parents & boyfriend can't understand my anxiety and need to go home. 

Some of these group boards make me mad too. My little secret, my little decision isn't something that people just OPENLY discuss and therefore even people in situations similar to mine will NEVER understand what it is I'm going through. I want to tell people. I really do, I want to just share it with the world. But I'm not ready for the repercussions and the nasty comments. What I need is support and I'm not going to find it- ANYWHERE.

I didn't want a second child. At least not right now in my life. I was happy with EVERYTHING in my life. I was happy with my education, I was happy with my apartment and the way it was set up. I was happy being the single mother to a 2 year old who was still occasionally allowed to be herself and go out. Now everything is changing. I'm gonna have to stay up all night and day. I'm going to  have to figure out how to fit two boys into a small room, how to temporarily put a crib in my room, how to fit baby toys into my living room. I'm going to have to boil kettles of water for bottles and use a diaper genie and change the diapers of not 1, but 2 boys. Ted is trying to force change upon me. Force me to get a better job, force me to pay more in rent by moving to another apartment (which will probably be smaller than the one I already have).

And people on these stupid support groups have the nerve to say "I can't believe you want your baby to stay in the hospital" "I can't believe you want to have your baby early." Try being pulled away from your son for two whole months. I'm his stability! I'm the one who bathes him, clothes him, feeds him, soothes him. I don't know this person in my stomach. I don't know if he'll live or die. I want to be with what I know. Now, heaven forbid, I know I sound like a horrible person. Will I love this baby? Of course. Will I try to be the absolute best mother I can be? Yes. Will I try to be a better new mommy to him then I was to Triston? Hell yeah. But that does not change the way I feel now. This pregnancy is a total joke, a total sham. Throw me in a fucking hospital. It's really some sort of punishment from God or something. Like a two months meditation that I didn't ask for. And I haven't found any answers. Of course I'm going to want to get out of here as soon as possible. I waited til I got to 28 weeks. Then I waited til 31. Then I waited til 32. Really? Am I that bad of a person for wanting to get out of the hospital 10 days early? Maybe I am. Maybe I am, but it's how I feel. If I could have some sort of control over the emotions in my body, the thoughts in my head, then I would tell myself to stick it out. And honestly, I HAVE stuck it out. I didn't sign an AMA and leave like I wanted to FIVE weeks ago. Walking and eating spicy food hoping something might happen isn't a sin. I'm not sneaking castor oil into the hospital or risking an infection by having sex, I'm simply PRAYING that I can have a little normalcy before this baby arrives. Apparently, according to these know-it-all blog goers, that makes me a bad person.