Day 18

So there are a few incredibly small triumphs I have reached. I am 27 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I have 48 days left until I am 34 weeks. The 48 days is the "triumph" I've accomplished. I have less than 50 days left in the hospital. I still have a very long time to be here, but these small goals give me hope!

When I came to the hospital I really didn't think I would be admitted. I wasn't really thinking anything. Then when my water broke I seriously thought I would have the baby sometime that week. To have been here for two and a half weeks is a ridiculous thought, and the thought of 7 more weeks is equally ridiculous.

I've thought lately about whether I should make a will. I mean, the chance of something bad happening to me is very slim, but it is a possibility. The difficult part about a will is that I would have to write it under the assumption that Triston would be my only child. I would want all my money in my bank account transferred to him and I would want everything I own of value to be sold in order to benefit him. It is a scary and devestating possibility to consider, and I am scared to even admit it, but it IS something that could happen.

One thing that I've noticed is that when Ted and I talk about the future we don't really talk about it under the pretense that the baby will be in it. I know that that's what we both want, but I don't think we acknowledge the fact that we could be having a child, because it's even more difficult to acknowledge that we may not have a child. So when I talk about Christmas or teaching Triston something, I don't include this baby. I want for us to have a baby, but what if he dies? Why pick out a name if he doesn't live? Why tell our friends I'm even pregnant? Why buy things and even plan? I don't know how I'll pick up the pieces if this child dies. All I can envision is myself partying and drinking. I think I will still act with enough responsibility that I'll be able to care for Triston, but I tend to bury things in order to cope with them. I worry how Ted will react. I'm scared he'll become resentful of Triston. I wonder what it will do to our relationship, which is nothing less than perfect right now.

He's been the best support system I could ask for. I feel bad because I'm constantly asking him to bring me stuff whether it's food or something from home. He comes up to the hospital as much as he can, even though I have nothing to talk about and it's extremely boring. He's extraordinary. Even though he's not Triston's father he's going to pick him up Thursday and said he's going to take him to Chuck E Cheese.

I lost my mucous plug today. When the nurse hooked me up for my NST I was leaking fluid, which is nothing new. Afterward I got up to change my pad and when I wiped myself there was a big yellow mucous glob on the tissue. It literally looked just like snot. There was no blood in it. I told a doctor when he came in and all he said was it's hard to distinguish if that's what it was considering I'm pprom. I've had another child before there's really nothing else is COULD be, unless it was signs of infection, but it's only happened the one time so I'm about 98% positive it was my mucous plug. With Triston I didn't go into labor until about 5 weeks later, but I know things can progress much more quickly with the second baby. I am hoping to last until at least 28 weeks but I don't see myself going past 31-32, and I really have a feeling it will happen sometime during week 29.....

It is exciting. I am excited that it will all be over soon. I won't have to stay in the hospital, I can resume life. It is also scary. I keep saying the reality of having a kid hasn't hit me yet, and that is the truth. I don't know what's ahead, I don't know what will happen in the NICU. I am unprepared to bring home another baby, for staying up all night and then being up all day while Triston is awake. I'm not prepared for the baby to have problems or to potentially die. And I think because of my unpreparedness and the severity of the situation that I am supressing the thoughts and emotions that come with it and ONLY thinking of myself and returning to my normal life. All I can picture is going shopping. I definitely do have a retail therapy problem. I keep thinking of how I need a new outfit, how I want to go out and have a drink with my friends, how I want to be at home again. None of these fantasies have a baby in them. I feel guilty that they don't have a baby in them. I wonder if that's a sign that a baby WON'T be in them when they become a reality. Like I keep trying to reassure myself though, I think it's a coping mechanism....