29&4

Today I am 29w4ds pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 35 days and have 31 days left of bed rest. I want a time machine, so I can just fast forward to August 29th. That would be marvelous.

I'm feeling quite down today. Not as bad as last week where I cried for two days straight. I just feel incredibly bored, incredibly out of control. Incredibly pale... I'm fair skinned as it is, but I don't  think I've ever been this sun deprived in my life. My legs look see-through. I'm also insanely tired today. I slept from my normal 11-10:30ish... tried laying down for almost 2hrs from 3-5, yet I am still exhausted. I think I'm about to lay back down.

I'm to the point where I'm done trying to find ways to entertain myself. I'm past the knitting, and reading stages. I literally just want to sleep or watch tv. I'm not interested in doing anything else. I'm really not even interested in visitors at this point. What depresses me the most is that there are times when I don't even want to see or think about Triston. Maybe because seeing or thinking about him makes me more sad, but I feel insanely guilty for having these feelings. Yesterday Ted brought him up here to visit. They were here for about 6.5 hours and literally after 2 hours I was already exhausted. After Ted "yelled" at him to stop doing something he came to me (this is around 5:30) and I picked him up and his little exhausted butt fell asleep in my arms. Now he's done this a million times in my two years of mommy-hood, but this to me was so amazing. I think sometimes I worry that my son will forget I'm his mother, or prefers his grandparents over me and it felt so good that he felt safe enough to fall asleep in my arms at the scary hospital. I laid him on the hospital bed and I laid down too, but even though I was tired I couldn't fall asleep. I just wanted to watch him. I haven't seen my baby sleep in forever. And I honestly think that made me more depressed cuz I miss him terribly.

I just wish I could have an exciting pregnancy. This is all too boring. I have reported "no changes" to the doctors for 35 days. In fact I'm too the point where I'm starting to think unless something happens to me more than once, it's not important to tell them (I mean unless it's something obvious like green discharge or bleeding). Once today, when I peed, I got this horrible pain in my cervix. So bad that my back immediately straightened and I had to stop peeing. I told the doctor and she wasn't concerned at all, so I felt really stupid. It just sucks being on bedrest with nothing exciting happening. I know it's good for the baby, but it's making this experience very daunting. On top of it I hate being pregnant. I'm narcissistic, I won't lie. I'm one of those people who love taking pictures of myself whenever I put on some makeup and cute outfits, and want to post those pics on facebook so people know how much more incredibly desirable I am compared to themselves. And you can't do that when you're pregnant. Your fat when you're pregnant, your face gets bigger, your skin looks horrible, your hair is unmanageable, and even the cutest of maternity clothes aren't cute. I think I could tolerate being somewhat hideous for 9 months if I could leave my room... but I can't. What's worse is that the first thing I want to do when I get out of here is go out with my friends. What a dumb and irrational thing for me to want to do! I know it'll probably be MONTHS before I can go out with my friends, but that's all I can picture doing is getting dressed up in a hot outfit and putting on my make up and doing my hair and going out. That's really why I didn't want a second child in the first place. With Triston I was able to be a kick ass mom and still go out every 1-2 weeks without feeling like I was neglectful or putting myself before him. I was able to buy myself the things I wanted without having to sacrifice the things he needs (trust me my son has more toys than a day care center). Now I worry about being able to buy even the simplest things I want- the body wash I want, the lotion I want, the make up I want, let alone clothes. I worry about being able to afford daycare/babysitting, which means how would I come up with left over money to go out- hire a babysitter, pay to get in wherever. I don't even have a large circle of friends, I only have a few, so who says on the rare occasions that I may be able to step out they'll even be available?

This is all so selfish. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be excited about having two kids, about Triston having  a brother, about me having a real COMPLETE family. I just really don't want to give up my independence. Part of me feels like having two kids means I have to give up wanting to look cute and stay in shape. I feel like I can't have a life of my own because I have to dedicate it to my kids. Am I wrong for wanting a life of my own? I worry about all the things I still wanted to do, that I probably wouldn't have been able to do even with Triston, but that seem even more impossible with two kids- going to Vegas, going to LA, going to NYC. I mean even simple hobbies like participating in Fashion shows and photoshoots seem pretty impossible now. I hate to sound so selfish, but it's how I feel. I worry that since the baby will have to be in the NICU for a while that I won't develop a bond with him and that I won't grow to love him, that my resentment will continue. That I'll be like "yeah I was right I shouldn't have had kids." I don't want to feel that way. I want to be happy but right now I'm really not.