Anxious & Excited

So as of today I am 27w3d pregnant. I have been on hospital bedrest for 20 days. I have 46 days left in the hospital.

I've had some big changes. I'm not sure if I mentioned this on my last post or not, but I believe I have lost the majority if not all of my mucus plug. It started two days ago, and then I lost some more of it yesterday. Also last night when the nurse went to listen to the baby's heartbeat she found it literally right above my pubic bone. It does seem as though my weight has dropped, although sometimes it doesn't seem that way. I haven't had any contractions or bleeding, but I feel as though I will probably have the baby within the next two to three weeks tops.

Again I am excited and anxious about this. I still think my mind is refusing to focus on the baby as a defense mechanism, so I'm excited about getting all of this over with and going home. I'm really not prepared to see my son. I'm scared to know what he's going to look like, if he's going to make it, how long he'll have to stay in the NICU. I tried to express some of my worries to Ted last night, which he seemed to understand but they are hard to verbalize. I know being here for another 6 1/2 weeks would be the best thing possible,  but I feel so ready for this chapter in my life to come to an end. The waiting game is horrible.

I also got the private room finally! It's nice and big, so I am able to get up and walk around. I'm not sure if this is something that I should or should not be doing, but when I mentioned it to one of the nurses, she really didn't seem to mind. So every hour I get up and pace the room back and forth 10 times just to prevent getting stiff. I really don't think I am moving around enough to onset labor or anything, it's really just enough to keep my legs from getting stiff and sore.

I was weighed yesterday. I've only gained about 5lbs since I've been here, which made me pretty happy.  I should have my glucose test by the end of this week. And then next week I should have an ultrasound. I plan to keep this baby in me for at least another 4 days, but I really hope this experience is over within the next 2-3 weeks. I'm having a hard time waiting for my little guy. I do think Ted likes the name Champion. This morning he mentioned that when the baby and Triston get older though that Triston might be resentful of his brother's name. I think the fact that Ted took that into consideration once again proves his amazingness. He is going to pick up Triston tomorrow and bring him to the hospital then probably to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow. He's such a great person!

My ex's family is meddling in my business a little more than I'd prefer. First, my ex's mother sends me a facebook message asking why I'm in the hospital and asking for my phone number. I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to say I'm pregnant. If something goes wrong with the baby they are the type of gloat in other people's misery and I don't need that. Then I posted a picture of me and Triston at the hospital on my facebook page (I don't look pregnant in the picture, a little chubby but not pregnant) and his mom commented on it saying "Get well soon Rach, love mom". This didn't bother me but one of the comments his sister left on the photo did. She's gonna say "OMG he looks exactly like Boorah (my ex) here". Um, it's a picture of me in the HOSPITAL, I have NO CONTACT with my ex, the last thing I want is his name in my comments. I feel like she left this comment intentionally to be petty, to get under my skin, to instigate. I just deleted the comment. It's not worth my time, but I just don't understand WHY his family is so intent on trying to be Triston's family, when they've never been around for him before.

(Triston & I at the hospital)

I was with my ex, Boorah, for about 6 years. He was a tormentor. Throughout our entire relationship I was always supporting him financially, he was prone to violent outbursts, he was always paranoid and suspicious, and while we lived together he frequently cheated on me. I guess I stayed with him for so long because I felt like we connected in a way I would never connect with anyone else. Plus, when we lived together in Kentucky I had fun. I partied a lot. With him, with his sisters, by myself. When I was pregnant I worked two jobs throughout almost my entire pregnancy so that I could give him money, and try to save up money for when Triston came along. I really thought that when Triston came he would turn his life around and get a driver's license, GED, job, etc., and I thought he'd be a great father. He was still violent and paranoid and I actually had to buy him a bus ticket BACK to Kentucky and start dating Ted in order for him to actually accept the fact that it was over. I never regretted breaking up with him, although at first I felt bad for Triston. Now I don't feel bad for Triston because I think Ted is doing an amazing job and really loves him. I do feel bad for my ex though. It kills me to be in this hospital away from my son even though I see him about 3 times a week. I can't imagine how anyone could go on in life being away from their kid with no pictures or contact or anything for nearly an entire year. It's pathetic.