Hard Times

as a parent I am feeling like a failure. I didn't know you could feel this much anger towards a child. When people abuse or hurt their children you automatically see that adorable kids face and say "how could anyone do that?" but now I feel as though I can sympathize.
Triston gives me such a difficult time. I think that he may be emotionally challenged, or maybe he's just the type of child who requires a lot of attention, but I'm not dealing with him well. He screAms ans throws tantrums and about half way through the day I just lose it. I try to be patient but when you deal with almost CONSTANT high pitched screaming, its hard not to let it stress you out. I end up spanking him and screaming at him myself. I find MYSELF crying from it. I can see that he's terrified when I yell at him like this and I know that I'm teaching him to express his anger with rage and am ruining his self esteem. At least that's how I feel when I do this. It depresses me. The last thing I want is a timid child with low self worth. I wonder if he has his father's temperament, because if he has behavioral problems I want to learn how to be a supportive parent to encourage him to excel in the things he is gifted in. I have a home therapist who is going to start coming next week. I'm so happy, I think I am in need of it more than he is. I get to the point where I just don't know what to do with him and in my head I want to sock him, but I know he's just a little boy. Its a horrible feeling I'm living with and I don't have help with him unless its from my mom or Ted.

Marino on the other hand is great. He only cries when he's hungry, he's constantly smiling and I think he's on track with his developmental milestones. He may still need s helmet but his head has shaped up pretty well.

Ted will probably move in within the next 2-3 months. I think that constant make presence may help stabilize Triston as well and help me not to feel so stressed. I'm debating between finding a new job or becoming a shift manager. I have a new store manager and she's great and I think I'm quickly becoming one of her favorites.

I know my update was short and sporatic I just wanted to get these things off my chest. This is my only outlet at times and my difficulties with Foreign have certainly worn on me lately.