Ideas

I believe the other day I mentioned the ideas I have.
The first one is that I would like to start a local babysitting exchange group.
This group would be open to mothers who work or go to school part time and want to save money on childcare and babysitting by exchanging babysitting duties with other moms. Right now my friend Britney does most of my babysitting. Since she barely ever watches my kids I pay her, but I pay her much less than I would pay a normal babysitter. For example, today she watched Triston and Marino for 7 hours which would cost me $35-40. I'll probably pay her $15-20 for it. I figure this group would be open to join and there would be mingles so all the ladies who are interested can meet each other over a meet & play session with the kids and that way people can make connections and exchange information with the moms that live closest to them or have schedules that will compliment each other, or people they just make a connection with. Great way to not only make friends but save money. Plus I would also make rules like if the person who watches your kid babysits more than you do you should work out some sort of repayment option to them whether it's monetary or whatever.

2. I want to come up with a business plan to open up a children's playroom in local hospitals. This room would give hospitalized parents a place to take their young children when they come to visit so that the children could ENJOY the time visiting their parents in the hospital. Not only would this be great for moms who were in antepartum like myself, but hospice patients this would be especially nice for. The last hours you spend with your children you want to be memorable and happy for both of you. The children's room would have age appropriate toys, a craft area, a snack area, a place for the patients to be stationed, a movie area. The room would have a nurse who could monitor patients and communicate between departments. There would also be a certified child care provider on staff who would be able give children first aid and coral children when they become too much for the parents to handle. Also other family would have to remain in the room to be in charge of the children for obvious reasons.
Anyway I wanted to put my ideas on BLOG rather than my complaints for once!

At school

I'm at school, second week of the semester. This semester is part time, in the fall I'll resume full time classes and let's pray that I will be able to manage. I am managing as of right now, but I have not encountered a lot of work yet. The only thing irritating me is that I feel like the lectures arent going where they need to go because these "students" ask questions after every piece of information is given.

Last time I posted I was having trouble with Triston. His tantrums, and the fact that I was getting angry with him more than should have been. I truly love Triston, he is just the type of child who is going to require a lot of attention. It's funny because I can see how different he and Marino will be from each other. Triston was a demanding baby who always had to be played with. Marino is just content with whatever, unless he's hungry or tired he'll just watch you or play with his toys. He's starting to get where he doesn't want to be left alone, but he's so much more easy-going than Triston.

I'm handling Triston better. He's not throwing as many tantrums and when he does I'm responding to them in a more positive and constructive way. He does not seem to be as jealous of Marino anymore. I feel as though the stem of the problem is my stress. Sometimes it seems as though I will never have enough time to do everything I both need and want to accomplish. It's like I need to clean, do homework, feeding babies, feed myself, bathe kids, bathe myself, take a nap, go to the gym, get my hair done, go shopping, pay bills, go to class, go to work... Something always ends up getting left out and normally it's things pertaining to myself. I only get to shower when Ted's around... I want to get my hair done next week and I don't know when I'll be able to do it... My mental health gets negatively affected because I feel like my needs are getting neglected while everyone else is getting taken care of.

Hopefully, some of that will change. I have a very busy week ahead of me but I'm hoping I can make Thursday a mental health day. I know that I don't work and that in the afternoon I can ship the children off to their grandparents. In the morning I'm gonna make Ted get up with them so I can sleep in. Then I'm gonna go get my hair cut. I'll come home and deliver the boys to their designated locations. From there I'm hoping ted and I can go grab a bite to eat, spend a romantic moment or two together, and then I plan to get rid of him too so I can take a nice bath, watch my shows and have the evening to myself, along with my bed.

Marino is doing quite well. He smiles constantly. He is going for a CT scan wednesday. Our follow up appointment with the craniofacial plastic surgeon went well. He seemed to think none of his sutures were prematurely fused and that he would be a good candidate for a helmet. However we sent us to another dr for a second opinion and this doctor stated that having more prominence in one side of his forehead is normally only caused by a premature closure and said having a CT scan would be best. Looking at Marino from the front he doesn't have any cosmetic defects, but if you look at him from the top of his head you do notice that one side of the forehead sticks out more than the other, and that the one side of his face is flatter than the other.

Finally the day has come where I left Arby's and I now have a new job. It came at the perfect time. Arby's was becoming a soap opera of gossip and I was getting sucked into being part of the rumor mill, which I didn't want to be a part of. I've been at the new job a week and I'm fitting in well, and I'm happy and I'm determined not to share too much personal information about myself and not speak negatively about others. I want to develop a professional and good reputation even though this is a place I only plan to stay with for about 2 years.

I've been maintaining my weight well, but my eating habits have been quite shabby. I'm wearing my body magic currently and after7 hours it's becoming quite uncomfortable. Ugh

Anyway I always set goals for this blog. Now that I actually have an hour in between classes every week I'm going to try to post once a week. I have many social work ideas I want to share and maybe I will develop this blog into a connection place to get these ideas underway.

Hard Times

as a parent I am feeling like a failure. I didn't know you could feel this much anger towards a child. When people abuse or hurt their children you automatically see that adorable kids face and say "how could anyone do that?" but now I feel as though I can sympathize.
Triston gives me such a difficult time. I think that he may be emotionally challenged, or maybe he's just the type of child who requires a lot of attention, but I'm not dealing with him well. He screAms ans throws tantrums and about half way through the day I just lose it. I try to be patient but when you deal with almost CONSTANT high pitched screaming, its hard not to let it stress you out. I end up spanking him and screaming at him myself. I find MYSELF crying from it. I can see that he's terrified when I yell at him like this and I know that I'm teaching him to express his anger with rage and am ruining his self esteem. At least that's how I feel when I do this. It depresses me. The last thing I want is a timid child with low self worth. I wonder if he has his father's temperament, because if he has behavioral problems I want to learn how to be a supportive parent to encourage him to excel in the things he is gifted in. I have a home therapist who is going to start coming next week. I'm so happy, I think I am in need of it more than he is. I get to the point where I just don't know what to do with him and in my head I want to sock him, but I know he's just a little boy. Its a horrible feeling I'm living with and I don't have help with him unless its from my mom or Ted.

Marino on the other hand is great. He only cries when he's hungry, he's constantly smiling and I think he's on track with his developmental milestones. He may still need s helmet but his head has shaped up pretty well.

Ted will probably move in within the next 2-3 months. I think that constant make presence may help stabilize Triston as well and help me not to feel so stressed. I'm debating between finding a new job or becoming a shift manager. I have a new store manager and she's great and I think I'm quickly becoming one of her favorites.

I know my update was short and sporatic I just wanted to get these things off my chest. This is my only outlet at times and my difficulties with Foreign have certainly worn on me lately.

wow its been a while

So Marino is almost 11 weeks old! I thought he was going to need surgery for scaphocephaly but it turns out his sutures aren't fused which is obviously a good thing. He's cooing and lifting his head up somewhat. I can't tell if his ocassional smiles are real or just gas.he's still a little behind where a 2 month old should be IMO but he is a Preemie. He's about 9lbs.

The hardest part is the lack of sleep, he still gets up every 3-4 hours at night. I had one fluke where he slept almost 7hrs but only the one time. Triston doesn't pay much attention to him but will be sweet to him from time to time.

Ted is pretty good. Every time he's at my apartment he will get up with the baby and sleeps downstairs so I can rest. Sometimes I do feel cheated because I never get a true night to myself. Every time I go out alone I'm grocery shopping or feel rushed. It'd be nice to go out one night and then have the whole next day to myself. Who knows, some people say dreams do come. True. Lol

Good days and bad days

I have two babies, let me make that perfectly clear. One is 2, the other is 1 month old. Their sleep doesn't always coordinate, which means less sleep for me. Which means, which I drink wine, I'm likely to wake up with a headache. Ugh. Most days it is fine, but today was one of those days.
Things that change when you have two young children- you have to take out the garbage EVERYDAY.  You have to sweep the kitchen floor EVERYDAY. Vacuum- EVERYDAY. I haven't showered since Saturday. I am hoping to shower tomorrow. But I love it. Every second of it.

I have business ambitions. I want to own night clubs, restaurants, consignment shops. But my real focus and passion is I have this amazing idea for a hair care, skin care, and make up line... and I'll leave it at that. I don't want to put my ideas too out there. I also want to start a youtube webisode series.... Hopefully I can make it all happen. I feel like a real mommy now with two children. I feel amazing. I have a family. I can't be told shit from my parents now, because I'm the one giving orders.

Anyway I want to lose another 10lbs... really I'd LOVE to lose 20, but I know Ted wouldn't be feeling it. I'm losing weight quickly. Just started "working out" yesterday. My "work outs" mostly consist of stretching, dancing to MTV jams, and trying to get squats, lunges, and sit ups in where I can. I'll get there though. I am determined to be one of those hot moms, a do it all mom. I want to be beautiful while being a fun, good mom to my children, while also pursuing my dreams. And that's where i'm at right now

Marino is 4 weeks old!

My baby has been home for 10 days now. He's doing great. In fact I think he ate too much tonight! Triston loves being a big brother... or at least he's not jealous yet. He likes to imitate the things Marino does. As for myself, I'm doing good. I love my baby very much but sometimes I do feel guilty. I made a lot of mistakes and was very selfish during my pregnancy but I didn't understand why things were happening to me. I think it made me take a step back and enjoy spending time with my family. I'm not constantly trying to get out of the house the second Ted shows up. I've been out of the hospital for a month and haven't bought a single item of clothing for myself. Maybe I'm too tired to think about partying or maybe my priorities have just changed. I think I've grown as a person over the summer even though this has been a less than spectacular year for me. The most difficult thing right now is trying to be more of a disciplinarian toward Triston but I'm working on it. Ted is doing great as a dad, he even lets me get like a good 6-7 hours of sleep in the nights that he's here. I'm breastfeeding though, so by the time I get up my boobs feel like bricks. Overall, things are good.
I will try to blog more, but obviously my time is limited right now. There is so much I want to say but I'm literally blogging while I'm doing a feeding so more will come later!

Marino's here!

I got my wish and got to deliver Marino on Sunday! So his birthday is August 28th 2011, 5:46pm. He came out weighing 4lbs 13oz and was 18.5 inches. He'll have to be in the NICU for a little while until he starts breathing completely on his own and eating better but besides that he has absolutely no health problems! As much as I complained hospital bed rest was worth it. He is so perfect! His little head needs some shaping, but besides that he is good. He's got lots of hair and his nose & mouth look like Triston, but his eyes and forehead look like Ted's.

Less than 100 hours

I am 33w4d pregnant. I've been in the hospital for 63 days and my c-section is in 4 days.

Pretty pathetic that I'm actually counting down the hours isn't it? It's 6pm, so about 92 hours left... yeah, it's that serious.

A lot of adjectives come to mind when I think about how I'm feeling: anxious, excited, nervous, scared, happy, unrealistic, uncertain. Looking back, I can barely believe that I have been in this hospital for two whole months. I understand that I'm gonna be Marino's mom in a few days, but it doesn't seem real. This entire hospital stay I have been so focused on going home, and I still feel like that is my focus. Sure the NST's look great, but that doesn't say much about how the baby is going to be, and I am very scared to feel excited about something that may not be garunteed.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and the technician said he weighs 3lbs 15oz. I'm not quite sure how accurate their readings are, but that seems to me to be a little small considering how far along I am. I thought most babies at this point were past the 4lb mark. I know Marino can't go home until he is 4lbs and considering babies lose a few ounces after they are born, he might just have to stay in the hospital for a few days. I don't really look at this as a bad thing. If he stays I can actually go shopping for him and be prepared. I just want everything to be ok with him though. I don't want him to have breathing problems or have cerebral palsy. Yesterday Ted & I were watching one of those baby shows and this lady had a baby who's one hand didn't form because of the way the baby was lying in her pelvis. The thought definitely freaked Ted out (it also scared me, but I didn't want to let on) because the baby is laying sideways in my stomach. What if the toes or fingers on his hands or feet didn't form correctly? I know the doctor said clubbed hands or feet are a possibility and that those things can be fixed, but it doesn't make me any more prepared for that possibility. Ted finally brought up the subject of adoption after that tv show, asking under what pretenses I'd want to give a baby up for adoption. And I said if he had needs so bad that he'd never be able to walk or had severe brain  impairment, or would have to wear a diaper his whole life. I mean those things wouldn't make me say "that's it, I can't care for him," but in reality certain things would be out of our financial spectrum and out of my ability to be patient. Regardless of any problems, I'm going to love my child and I would want for it to be an open adoption where I could see him as much as possible, or maybe place him in the care of a facility where I could visit him and take him home with me on weekends and holidays. But I would never want to feel like I'm abandoning my child and those options make me feel that way. I was surprised though at how shallow Ted was about the situation. He was like "you can't do shit in life without hands," as if he didn't hear the doctors on tv say the problem was fixable... as if prostetics aren't available. Sometime's it makes me mad because he acts as if the only careers in life are either athletic or in the entertainment industry. I think he is just scared though as well.

It is cute to see Ted do a lot of things I did when I was pregnant with Triston. He put together the pack n play he has at his house and cleaned his bedroom. He asked what he should buy from the store before Monday. My parents have also FINALLY gone to my house and done a little cleaning for me, which I totally appreciate. Apparently, parts of my apartment have been painted since I've been gone. He also thought about throwing a party a week or two after Triston's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese so we could celebrate Triston's birthday and also invite people to come and meet the new baby. I was really surprised how thoughtful he was to think of something for fun Triston and that included both kids. At first I was like "No, I don't want any parties, I'm too tired, I don't have the money, etc" but once he mentioned the idea and how it would include both kids i thought it was really nice.

Even though a lot of my feelings and emotions have changed, I don't feel guilty for the things I've thought and said over the last few months. The resentment, the guilt, the anger, the inability to understand... all of those thinsg were fueled by hormones, and frankly a depression that came with not only have an unexpected pregnancy but having to stay in a hospital for two months. I don't care anymore about the mean and insensitive things that people have said. No one can know how I feel being here, even if they've been in a similar situation. My situation in unique, everyone's situation is unique, so you can't tell me how to think and feel. I knew those feelings were superficial. I've felt love for this kid the second I found out I was pregnant. I felt love for Triston the second I found out I was pregnant with him but there doesn't mean there have been times in the last two years where I haven't thought about what my life would be like without him or there haven't been times where I've gotten mad at him irrationally and said things I didn't mean.

Today, right now at this very moment, I feel kind of blah. It's funny because part of me would STILL like to go into labor before Monday, but I know it's not worth trying any silly antics. Silly me keeps looking at the clock thinking that it might actually just stop at any moment and I'll be stuck here forever. I actually got used to this hospital routine. All those things I longed for- shopping and being at home, cleaning, seeing friends, going out- I feel like I have to learn to do those all again. And now the complication of trying to do those things around Ted's schedule, or with two kids on board will just make things all the more difficult. I do plan to get my hair done before Ted goes back to work though. One thing I actually understand is that "pampering myself" with manicure's & pedicure's & quiet shopping trips the way I did when it was just Triston will be much more few and far between. So yes, I definitely think I deserve to go get my hair done before Ted goes back to work. Not only will it make me feel good about myself, but cutting a few inches off will make doing my hair a lot easier with two little kids around. Besides that I just worry about how I'm actually going to buy groceries, or get my DHS benefits straightened out.

I might not post again for a while. Maybe I will one more time on Saturday before Marino is born. I am planning a busy day Sunday. I'm going to take the world's longest shower and shave (so that I can hopefully get in a few weeks without shaving once I get home), do a facial, paint my nails, visit with my parents and then visit with Kristal- who is going to straighten my hair. And of course Ted will be up here and I plan to catch my Sunday TV lineup (which I thoroughly enjoy) from 8-11, because I doubt I'll catch it. I also plan to eat a hardy meal close to midnight, considering I'll be going on a very strict, healthy diet starting that very next day. I really want to post about Marino's outcome (good or bad) but I may be very busy and might not get around to it for a while. I'm sure this is no big deal considering I'm probably the only person in cyberspace who reads this blog anyway, but I feel it's important. If someone dealing with oligohydramnios, pprom, or hospital bed rest stumbles upon this, it'll help give them perspective. So with that, I'm signing off!

I'm upset that no one understands

32w5d pregnant. 10 days until my c-section. 8 weeks on hospital bed rest.

It makes me so mad that no one understands my situation. No one who PERSONALLY knows me can understand. I've never had any friends who've been on hospital bed rest. My parents & boyfriend can't understand my anxiety and need to go home. 

Some of these group boards make me mad too. My little secret, my little decision isn't something that people just OPENLY discuss and therefore even people in situations similar to mine will NEVER understand what it is I'm going through. I want to tell people. I really do, I want to just share it with the world. But I'm not ready for the repercussions and the nasty comments. What I need is support and I'm not going to find it- ANYWHERE.

I didn't want a second child. At least not right now in my life. I was happy with EVERYTHING in my life. I was happy with my education, I was happy with my apartment and the way it was set up. I was happy being the single mother to a 2 year old who was still occasionally allowed to be herself and go out. Now everything is changing. I'm gonna have to stay up all night and day. I'm going to  have to figure out how to fit two boys into a small room, how to temporarily put a crib in my room, how to fit baby toys into my living room. I'm going to have to boil kettles of water for bottles and use a diaper genie and change the diapers of not 1, but 2 boys. Ted is trying to force change upon me. Force me to get a better job, force me to pay more in rent by moving to another apartment (which will probably be smaller than the one I already have).

And people on these stupid support groups have the nerve to say "I can't believe you want your baby to stay in the hospital" "I can't believe you want to have your baby early." Try being pulled away from your son for two whole months. I'm his stability! I'm the one who bathes him, clothes him, feeds him, soothes him. I don't know this person in my stomach. I don't know if he'll live or die. I want to be with what I know. Now, heaven forbid, I know I sound like a horrible person. Will I love this baby? Of course. Will I try to be the absolute best mother I can be? Yes. Will I try to be a better new mommy to him then I was to Triston? Hell yeah. But that does not change the way I feel now. This pregnancy is a total joke, a total sham. Throw me in a fucking hospital. It's really some sort of punishment from God or something. Like a two months meditation that I didn't ask for. And I haven't found any answers. Of course I'm going to want to get out of here as soon as possible. I waited til I got to 28 weeks. Then I waited til 31. Then I waited til 32. Really? Am I that bad of a person for wanting to get out of the hospital 10 days early? Maybe I am. Maybe I am, but it's how I feel. If I could have some sort of control over the emotions in my body, the thoughts in my head, then I would tell myself to stick it out. And honestly, I HAVE stuck it out. I didn't sign an AMA and leave like I wanted to FIVE weeks ago. Walking and eating spicy food hoping something might happen isn't a sin. I'm not sneaking castor oil into the hospital or risking an infection by having sex, I'm simply PRAYING that I can have a little normalcy before this baby arrives. Apparently, according to these know-it-all blog goers, that makes me a bad person.

Another unintended post

I'm 32w5d pregnant. I've been in the hospital for 56 days and I have 11 days until my c-section.

I just first want to say that Mr Allens now accepts EBT cash. Detroit is becoming more and more increasingly ghetto. Rainbow and Smiley's Pizza also take EBT cash. This is so pitiful.

So when it rains it pours. Stupid DHS sent a letter in the mail saying my food stamps would be cut off at the end of this month because I didn't turn in my renewal form. Um, my dad drove it to the office and put it in the drop box. The last thing I need is to get out of this hospital and not have money to buy groceries and formula. DHS is truly a class act. And the JET program has been contacting me about not turning in pay stubs. Yeah, I haven't worked in like 3 months. And after I tell the lady I've been in the hospital for over 7 weeks she's like "Can you come in today with a doctors note?" Bitch, are you stupid? I just said I was in the hospital dumb ass. I'm really sick of having all of this "by appointment only" type of stuff happening to me while I'm here in the hospital.

So I have less than a week until my c-section. 1 week and 4 days. But today I am not in a good mood. No. First, I know I probably won't have any visitors until Sunday which leaves me 3 whole boring days to myself. Second, I order breakfast at like 10:30... at about 11:45 I'm thinking "where's my breakfast?" but I'm trying to be patient. I call the cafeteria at 12:15 and let the phone ring for 10 minutes before I finally gave up and microwaved some pizza I had left over from yesterday. For whatever reason, that really set it off. I've been in this horrible, pissy, mopey mood ever since.

I feel like this baby is torturing me. I feel like God is torturing me. Like I did something to be pulled away from my son for two months. I don't understand WHY I just won't go into labor already? I've tried spicy food, massage, acupressure. Yesterday I walked at least a mile and a half. All I got from that is a sore leg. I can understand that with a normal pregnancy you really can't jump start labor, but my water has been broken for 8 weeks. Shouldn't that be signaling my body to go into labor? What if something goes wrong with the baby? I will be so angry that I've been here all summer for essentially nothing. That's what it feels like- I'm "working" towards nothing. I've been increasingly irritated with Ted. He does pretty much everything I ask, but it seems like everything about  him has been making me so mad. If I say I want to go down to the cafeteria at 11, we don't get down there until 11:30. He has a comment for EVERYTHING and it's always negative. Sometimes I order him food when I'm not hungry. *I'm the patient, this food is supposed to be for me* and so to make a complaint EVERY SINGLE TIME I get you food, annoys the hell out of me! This isn't Coney Island. I'm most likely taking my frustrations out of him because I see him more than anyone else. Maybe it's because I haven't had sex in 3 months. I'm actually looking forward to the next time I can have sex, which is surprising, because when I got pregnant in January sex was the last thing I was looking forward to.

Triston came yesterday. It's fun but difficult. I feel down before he comes, I feel down when he leaves, and I feel overwhelmed while he's here. Ted wheeled us down to the cafeteria where Triston mostly threw food on the floor. Then we went to labor and delivery where there's a play table that Triston played at. He also danced around as this other little boy (about 6) kind of egged him on to dance. I couldn't help but to laugh. Then he threw a huge fit when we had to leave and go get his bag. I felt horrible as my dad strapped him in his car seat to take him home. He looked at me like why isn't mom getting in the car too? Even though it's less than two weeks, it's so hard to be away from him. I don't know why God would do this to me, I really don't.

2 weeks left

32w1d pregnant. 53 days in the hospital. 14 days until my c-section.

Can you believe I've been here this long? I can't believe I've been here this long. I don't even think the doctors believe I've been here this long. When they come into my room they are like "You sure are trying to ride this thing out, aren't you?" If they only knew! I've done squats in the bathroom, jogged in my room, did some seriuos booty poppin, tried acupressure....

What I can't wait for it TOMORROW. Tomorrow I can say I only have 1 week and 6 days left. I will no longer have to wait multiple weeks to have my baby. He is in my grasp. Yesterday one of my high school friends visited me and brought me some very hot Thai food. I thought maybe that would cause labor. My butt was burning today when I used the bathroom, but no labor. So today...

I GOT A MASSAGE!
I've never gotten a massage before. Though it sucks my very first massage had to be under these pretenses, it was great! I was worried I would feel uncomfortable but I didn't. It was extremely relaxing and I could really feel the baby moving around when she worked certain pressure points. I wish I had the type of money that would allow me to get massages all the time! After my massage I scarfed down the rest of my super hot Thai food, followed by WAY too much ice cream. Maybe the combination of massage and hot food will make me have contractions??

My manager predicted I would have the baby tomorrow or Wednesday, I know my mom is really rooting for me to have the baby this week. I think everyone (besides Ted and probably my father) are rooting for me to have the baby at this point. I'm sure if the doctors could legally give me a c-section at this point they would, but unless they have a reason to at this point, they can't. I would like to have the baby this week, but if I don't have it by the 17th I'm going to give up on the vision of having him between 31-32 weeks. I've already passed the whole 31 mark, the first time my intuition has failed me this pregnancy.
Lucky for me, it seems these last two weeks will pass much more quickly than the first 7. Tomorrow I have a "stork's nest" meeting. I believe that is where I sign all of my c-section and baby paperwork (so I'm not trying to do it in a rush). Ted will be up here both Tuesday and Wednesday and will probably bring Triston up here on Wednesday. Next week I'm sure I'll have ultrasounds or something. And the possibility of having the c-section on Sunday, the 28th is still a possibility, which shaves a cool 24 hours off of my stay.

I sound *MUCH* more positive than a lot of my previous posts don't I? I totally think it's the massage talking.

The only thing that I'm a little down about is Triston. I love my son, I want to be with him so much. I want to be at home with him, shower him with special attention before his brother arrives. I don't want to do that here. I feel bad, horrible, guilty- but part of me doesn't even want Ted to bring him up here on Wednesday. It's so hard to entertain him while he's here. There's nothing for him to do, and it exhausts me. And it makes me sad when he has to go, but I'm frustrated while he's here. I feel like a bad mom to say "Don't bring him" but it's a heartbreaking situation, it really is. I'm finally ready to be a mom of 2. My feelings of shopping and going out with friends has subsided and now I'm thinking about staying up all night and dividing my attention and making dinners. I am just not prepared for Marino to come home at the same time I come home. I want him to have to stay in the hospital a few days, and that makes me feel guilty as well. While it is a little bit of the adjustment for me, it's mostly for Triston. I feel so unfair that I haven't spent any of the summer with him, and then to just all the sudden take him back home with a brother that he doesn't understand the concept of... how do I do that to him? I'm ready, but I'm scared. That's why I want to have him sooner, so that he can be here in the hospital, while I spend time with Triston and recuperate, and prepare my apartment for the change. But in all honesty, I don't think it's going to happen before the 29th... I think I'm gonna be here until the very end.

Let me tell you

Today I am 31w4d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 49 days and have 18 days left until my c-section.
Why is it that everyone else seems to think 18 days will fly by so quickly. I am to the point where I count the hours in the day. Every hour that passes I go "Only XX hours until 17 days left" Currently only 6 hours until I have 17 days left. Today I was so unmotivated to do anything that after I ate breakfast I pretty much laid in my bed until 3pm. I didn't want to read, go online, eat, shower, etc. I haven't flat ironed my hair in weeks just because I don't feel like going through the process and I have no one to impress.
Right now I am in a super crabby mood. I ate way too much for lunch (4 pieces of stuff crussed pizza) and then only thing that would make me feel good right about now would be some extra strength Xlax. Plus this stupid hospital internet that the Babycenter community blocked off for whatever dumb reason. I didn't even plan to post.
But anyway, let me tell you something. There is no possible way to naturally induce labor if your body is not ready for it. I figured, hey, my body IS ready for it. My water is broken, how can my body NOT be ready? I've been using acupressure points for the last few days, and I know I'm pressing the right areas because the baby moves around like crazy, but they definitely aren't causing contractions. I ate pizza covered with pineapple and crushed red peppers and besides feeling totally constipated, it definitely didn't trigger labor. I think the only thing that does work effectively is sex, but again that only works if your body is ready. What I don't understand is why my body has lasted this long. Sure it's a wonderful thing that I'm now almost 32 weeks, but most people only last 4 weeks after they've pprom'd and it's been 7 for me. After 4 weeks the chance of infection increases and at this point I just wish Marino would make the decision to arrive already. I am so despondent about being here!
I'm trying to find a massage therapist who would come to the hospital to give me a massage. Obviously I need to clear it with the doctors first, but maybe if I had a nice relaxing massage my body would be ready to signal labor. I know oxytocin is one of the hormones important in labor and I definitely haven't been feeling any affection lately. I'm also not one to want to play around with my leaky nipples (gross). This hospital bed isn't really big enough for me and Ted, and he's not a big cuddler anyway. I thought maybe if we got a little makeout time in together it could trigger things, but that would only be cruel to him considering we haven't been able to have sex in nearly 3 months! Again, a nice massage, whether it makes Marino come faster or not, sounds really good and worth the money right about now. I'm also trying to find someone who does manicures and pedicures who could come to me. If someone had one of those portable pedicure tubs and could come give my feet a nice pedicure it would make me so happy. I'm also hoping maybe Ted will go to wal-mart and buy me one of those portable back chair massagers. My back hurts so bad from sitting in this bed all day. One of those massagers would be great because I'll get plenty of use from it the last two weeks while I'm hear in the hospital and I could probably use it a ton while I'm at home up all night rocking the new baby. Anyway I really don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this time, I guess I'm just going to have to do it. :(

3 weeks left

31w1d pregnant. 46 days in the hospital. Exactly 3 weeks left.

Oh, poor Rachel, but what happened to possibly having the c-section on the 26th instead of the 29th? Well my dumbass has learned, after 6 freaking weeks, what doctor I should avoid talking to when it involves sympathy! I asked Dr. Garmel about what Dr Mariona said regarding having the c-section on the 26th and she was like "No, we don't do elective c-sections before 34 weeks." Look lady that 72 hours you are refusing to shave from my hospital stay in the fine line between my sanity and my insanity! She did say that I need to bug the doctor to schedule my c-section so I can have the first one that day.

Well, if I'm gonna be bugging Dr. Mariona to schedule anything, you better believe it's going to be for Friday. I mean it looks really bad for one doctor to go over another doctor's head and change something that is already scheduled. If I was looking at the 26th, I'd have 18 days left. 21 days seems sooooo much longer. And I'm trying to hang tight, but I'm actually at the point where I'm ready to meet Marino. I'm ready to hold him and have two children. It finally hit me today. So yeah I can hang in there for three more weeks, I'd just really prefer not to.

My blog actually just got interrupted by the doctor coming in. She scheduled it for Monday, 2pm :( But she thinks that the other slots will open up, that the women schedule for that day will have their babies before then. If it doesn't clear up she said she would do it for me on Sunday. In the meantime what can I do to get this baby out now? lol. I predicted I'd have the baby somewhere between 31-32 weeks. I'd honestly say somewhere between the 9th-17th. That's like an 8 day window, so we will see if my intuition fails me or not.... maybe if I start doing jumping jacks...

Another irritated day

Today I'm 30w4 pregnant, I have been in the hospital for 42 days and have 22-25 days left until my c-section.

I'm so over this experience. My hormones must be in overdrive today because I went from sleeping, to being cool, to crying, to being irritated today. Seriously, why the fuck do the nurses come in at the most inconvenient times and then linger around like I want to have a conversation with them? If I want to have a conversation with you, I will, but if I'm clearly busy don't just stand there thinking I'm about to open up with something super interesting to say.

My frustration stems from the following story. I get a letter from Friend of the Court, a court date to be exact. I've been waiting for this forever! I want to go to court, see Boorah not show up, and ask them to terminate his parental rights. The fucking court date is for August 15th and more than likely I won't be out of the hospital before then. I mean I know I said I thought I'd have the baby between 31-32 weeks but I'm doubting my intuition cuz this is by far the most boring and stable pregnancy in the history of mankind. I've called Friend of the Court 6 times. The office I need to contact has no phone number... just a fax number, as if everyone on the 6th phone is too busy to be bothered and they don't have a phone up there. All four of the people I spoke to told me they don't reschedule these sorts of court dates and a default judgment will be sent to me in the mail if I don't show up. I don't want a default judgment. I want to go to court and show that I'm the good, caring responsible parent and get something accomplished! My only option is to write a letter pleading for another court date, send it along with my court information and medical documentation to the fax number I've been given and hope they call me and change the court date. Then on top of it the paperwork clearly states that if you don't show up to court as you are required to do your public assistance benefits and medical assistance can be reduced or terminated. So I'd basically be in the hospital for 2 weeks with no health insurance.

I talked to the doctor about this and she said if I have to go to court I'd have to sign the AMA papers and come back that night. Well if I do that Medicaid can deny covering the rest of my hospital expenses and be left with the huge bill. Fucking double edged sword, catch-22 situation. And I'm sorry but if I leave the hospital I'm going to be out the whole freaking day. I'm coming back at like freaking midnight. I'm gonna go out to eat and go shopping and walk around outside. I'm not about to just go and come right back... so if I go I'm gonna need my parents to take me because Ted's strict ass if gonna bring me right back to the fucking hospital.

Anyway the doctor had given me this girdle to wear cuz I said my pubic bone was hurting. I just took the girdle off... maybe I had it too tight, but it felt like it was cutting off my circulation. After I was done crying today my stomach tightened for like 30 minutes straight and I thought God was just doing his part to work everything out for me but to no such avail.

This blog helps me pass the time and state my emotions guilt-free. But I'm so sick of posting the same old, same old everyday. So I may wait and not post every other day. I may only do it once or twice a week so I can feel I have something worth talking about. :-/

Triston, last week at the hospital

...

Today I'm 30w2d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 40 days.

I've come so far but yet it feels like I have so long to go.

Ted has to leave the state for training for his job on August 29th. If I make it to 34 weeks that was going to be the day they'd perform the c-section according to the one high risk doctor. Ugh. **But** I got lucky. I asked one of the other high risk doctors and when I mentioned I'd be 34 weeks on a Sunday I said the other doctor said my c-section would be Monday. He immediately jumped in and said "Or the Friday before". This made me so happy for obviously more than one reason. First I didn't have to even explain the fact that Ted might not even be there to see his first child being born. Secondly that shaves a whole 3 days off my hospital stay. I'm still trying to be a negative Nancy and pretend as if I have a whole 27 days left... but it may only be 24! And despite this small victory it still seems so far away!

Today I've had lots of back and abdominal pain, but I'm sitting in the bed you would in a lay-z boy recliner and I'm wondering if that's causing the back pain. Yet I continue to sit this way as if it'll induce labor. I had an ultrasound today and my poor baby seems so squished in there. I just want him to come already. I just want to be introduced back into the real world. I try to spend a ridiculous amount of time being active with Triston hoping it'll trigger labor and it never does. I know I still need to be patient and wait but I am so sick of being pregnant and I'm so sick of being here. I hate being pregnant, I don't want more kids after this, but I really don't want my tubes tied... I think maybe someday down the road I may want one more. (ugh I could kick myself for saying that). I'd like to keep my vanity for a few more years in the mean time.

Anyway Kristal visited today. It was nice having someone come. It passed some of the time and the day is almost done with now. I still feel relentlessly depressed and hopeless though. I want to cry but it's like I'm devoid of real emotion. To me that's what real depression is- not being able to feel real emotion. Just feeling listless.

So that's that for the day. I really just wanted to share with the world that it may only be 24 days left instead of 27. I hope for 24. Really I hope I'm out of here much sooner. I keep putting my hands on my belly and try to send positive energy to my fetus to head towards the light at the end of my vagina. It's not working though. Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I just stopped trying.

4 weeks left!

I've made it to 30 weeks! Been in the hospital for 38 days (which BLOWS), but I only have 4 weeks until my c-section!

Finally, less than 30 days. It'd be August 29th to be exact, so it's more like 29 days instead of 28, but I plan to have that c-section scheduled for FIRST thing that morning. And then of course about 48 days to recover but at least everything will be all over with. Today my parents are going to bring up Triston and my favorite show, Breaking Bad, is on so hopefully the day will go somewhat quickly.

So the bleeding completely disappeared. Last night I leaked a LOT of fluid. Or at least it seemed like a lot. Everything is back to boring normal though. I guess there's only like 3 other people staying on the floor right now. When I think about it sometimes I'm feel how come I couldn't have been the one to go into labor. I think God wants this baby to keep cooking. I really am starting to think that's he's gonna be perfectly healthy. I'm still trying NOT to get my hopes up, but at the same time it really seems like there has to be a reason I'm here for so long. It has to pay off in some sense. I think if God didn't want this baby to make it, I would have lost him long ago. By the way, I believe his name is going to be Marino. I'm not all that fond of that name, but hopefully it will fit our little boy and I'll grow to like it more. It's definitely better than some of the other names Ted came up with, so I'm dealing with it.

Bed rest has taken a horrible toll on me. I don't even want to get out of bed, it's completely zapped my energy. I got up this morning and tried to do a little light stretching and I probably stretched for all of a minute, maybe two. It's like I have energy inside of me, but I can't translate it to physical energy.

I downloaded a texting program that gives you a different phone number so I could text my ex. This was a bad idea because it just makes me angry. He wants to "see" his son before he leaves. "See" him as if he's some cousin or other relative that you only visit a few times a year, or a favorite tourist spot. If I were in his position I would do everything in my power to be with my kid. If I wasn't with Triston I would be constantly on Friend of the Court's head to set up court dates. I would make VOLUNTARY support payments and document them to show what a stellar job I'm doing. I would make a routine of calling and sending gifts and trying to connect with my child. Most importantly I would swallow my pride and do everything in my power NOT to be a dickwad to the other parent.

I wonder if Triston will have a hard time growing up. I wonder if it'll hurt him that Ted is Marino's biological father and not his father. Like I wonder if he'll resent not having his real father around. I really hope not. I know Ted's not the type who's going to favor his real kid over Triston. I mean obviously the type of love will be different in a sense, but he's not gonna be the type to buy Marino something and not get anything for Triston. Or the type to dote on Marino and treat Triston like crap.

And the countdown continues....

Symptoms I've been having

So today I am 29w6d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 5w1d, and I'd say I have an approximate 98% of going into labor this week.

Reading my previous posts I had said "I feel something is going to happen during week 29" and it did. Yesterday (Friday) at like 2:45 I got up to pee and noticed the fluid on my pad had a pink tint to it, and there was also a pink tint when I wiped. I got so excited! I knew it was probably nothing because I've read about a lot of pprom patients bleeding, but I was like finally something to report to the doctors. So when I got up to pee again around 4:45am a good amount of blood (like a little trickle) dripped into the toilet so I went and told the nurse. Plus I had been lying (elevated) on my back and had two contractions within like 10 minutes. They hooked me up to the monitor and put an IV in my arm. While I was on the monitor I had like 3 more contractions (although I think the monitor only picked up one of them, so maybe I'm crazy). The doctors weren't concerned, and neither really was I. The bleeding quickly stopped.

I'm wondering though if I'm having symptoms of pre-labor- the signs that show labor will start in a few days or within a week or two. First I've been super tired lately. I mean no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still exhausted. Secondly, I don't have an appetite. I feel like I'm forcing myself to eat. Also I've experienced more back pain. It does come and go, but it seems like it's happening more often and is more intense, along with feeling like the baby is even lower and is causing me to have cramps. Then yesterday I got up to pee and it felt like my left hip/leg was about to give out on me. It didn't even strike me as odd until I read a threat where someone mentioned that happening to them. I remember a few days before I went into labor with Triston I felt like my leg was constantly going to go out on me. Now I'm wondering if that blood I had could have been my bloody show. I mean I've been losing my mucus plug for like two and a half weeks so maybe there was just very little mucus mixed with the blood....

I didn't bleed at all today. I mean I don't feel like I'm going into labor right now, but I feel like it's going to happen probably between 31-32 weeks like I predicted. EVERYTHING else has come true to the point where I'm wondering if my increased estrogen has caused a temporary psychic experience (that's a joke). I also read online mood swings can also be a sign. I've been getting super irritated with Ted lately. Not causing arguments, but just in general being like why is he so stubborn? Like I asked him to get off the hospital bed last night so I could go to sleep and he just sat there for like another five minutes, and I was so irritated because I had to ask him like 4 more times.  Anyway, I'm pretty much STRUGGLING to write this. Despite my 10 hours to sleep and a cappaccino I feel like I'm about to pass out. I think I'm about to take a nap.

Triston playing in the hospital closet

29&4

Today I am 29w4ds pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 35 days and have 31 days left of bed rest. I want a time machine, so I can just fast forward to August 29th. That would be marvelous.

I'm feeling quite down today. Not as bad as last week where I cried for two days straight. I just feel incredibly bored, incredibly out of control. Incredibly pale... I'm fair skinned as it is, but I don't  think I've ever been this sun deprived in my life. My legs look see-through. I'm also insanely tired today. I slept from my normal 11-10:30ish... tried laying down for almost 2hrs from 3-5, yet I am still exhausted. I think I'm about to lay back down.

I'm to the point where I'm done trying to find ways to entertain myself. I'm past the knitting, and reading stages. I literally just want to sleep or watch tv. I'm not interested in doing anything else. I'm really not even interested in visitors at this point. What depresses me the most is that there are times when I don't even want to see or think about Triston. Maybe because seeing or thinking about him makes me more sad, but I feel insanely guilty for having these feelings. Yesterday Ted brought him up here to visit. They were here for about 6.5 hours and literally after 2 hours I was already exhausted. After Ted "yelled" at him to stop doing something he came to me (this is around 5:30) and I picked him up and his little exhausted butt fell asleep in my arms. Now he's done this a million times in my two years of mommy-hood, but this to me was so amazing. I think sometimes I worry that my son will forget I'm his mother, or prefers his grandparents over me and it felt so good that he felt safe enough to fall asleep in my arms at the scary hospital. I laid him on the hospital bed and I laid down too, but even though I was tired I couldn't fall asleep. I just wanted to watch him. I haven't seen my baby sleep in forever. And I honestly think that made me more depressed cuz I miss him terribly.

I just wish I could have an exciting pregnancy. This is all too boring. I have reported "no changes" to the doctors for 35 days. In fact I'm too the point where I'm starting to think unless something happens to me more than once, it's not important to tell them (I mean unless it's something obvious like green discharge or bleeding). Once today, when I peed, I got this horrible pain in my cervix. So bad that my back immediately straightened and I had to stop peeing. I told the doctor and she wasn't concerned at all, so I felt really stupid. It just sucks being on bedrest with nothing exciting happening. I know it's good for the baby, but it's making this experience very daunting. On top of it I hate being pregnant. I'm narcissistic, I won't lie. I'm one of those people who love taking pictures of myself whenever I put on some makeup and cute outfits, and want to post those pics on facebook so people know how much more incredibly desirable I am compared to themselves. And you can't do that when you're pregnant. Your fat when you're pregnant, your face gets bigger, your skin looks horrible, your hair is unmanageable, and even the cutest of maternity clothes aren't cute. I think I could tolerate being somewhat hideous for 9 months if I could leave my room... but I can't. What's worse is that the first thing I want to do when I get out of here is go out with my friends. What a dumb and irrational thing for me to want to do! I know it'll probably be MONTHS before I can go out with my friends, but that's all I can picture doing is getting dressed up in a hot outfit and putting on my make up and doing my hair and going out. That's really why I didn't want a second child in the first place. With Triston I was able to be a kick ass mom and still go out every 1-2 weeks without feeling like I was neglectful or putting myself before him. I was able to buy myself the things I wanted without having to sacrifice the things he needs (trust me my son has more toys than a day care center). Now I worry about being able to buy even the simplest things I want- the body wash I want, the lotion I want, the make up I want, let alone clothes. I worry about being able to afford daycare/babysitting, which means how would I come up with left over money to go out- hire a babysitter, pay to get in wherever. I don't even have a large circle of friends, I only have a few, so who says on the rare occasions that I may be able to step out they'll even be available?

This is all so selfish. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be excited about having two kids, about Triston having  a brother, about me having a real COMPLETE family. I just really don't want to give up my independence. Part of me feels like having two kids means I have to give up wanting to look cute and stay in shape. I feel like I can't have a life of my own because I have to dedicate it to my kids. Am I wrong for wanting a life of my own? I worry about all the things I still wanted to do, that I probably wouldn't have been able to do even with Triston, but that seem even more impossible with two kids- going to Vegas, going to LA, going to NYC. I mean even simple hobbies like participating in Fashion shows and photoshoots seem pretty impossible now. I hate to sound so selfish, but it's how I feel. I worry that since the baby will have to be in the NICU for a while that I won't develop a bond with him and that I won't grow to love him, that my resentment will continue. That I'll be like "yeah I was right I shouldn't have had kids." I don't want to feel that way. I want to be happy but right now I'm really not.

Half Way Point

Today I am 29w2d pregnant. I have been in the hospital for 33 days and I have 33 days until my c-section.

As much as I want it to be over, less than five weeks until the baby arrives seems SOOOOO soon. It's like time is moving so slow, yet it's moving at light speed at the same time.
The last two days I have been leaking like crazy! I took ambien the last two nights in a row, and I've been leaking so much that I started wondering if I was peeing on myself in my sleep. But I think I'd be able to smell the difference. I've also noticed an increase in Braxton Hicks contractions. I don't think they are real contractions though because they aren't starting from my back, but they seem to last for quite some time. About two weeks ago I posted that I thought something would happen during week 29, so I guess we will have to wait the week out and see what happens.

So I just ate a third of a cake. Totally regretting that now. I have gas pains in the back on my rib cage (at least I'm assuming they're gas pains). It was delicious, I can't deny it. I'm trying to enjoy my sweets now. Before I knew I was pregnant I was on a horribly strict diet. I lost about 15lbs between January and May on my diet. Obviously had I known I was pregnant I wouldn't have been dieting, but it makes me wonder if I lost 15lbs while pregnant, how much would I have lost if I wasn't pregnant? In fact, I was getting so fit that I honestly thought I'd be able to wear a bikini this summer.... even with a 4 month baby bump that I didn't know was a bump. So yes, a strict diet once this baby arrives that excludes sugar, most carbs, red meat, liquor, and involves exercise and breast pumping. I've gained 25lbs so far (and hopefully won't gain anything else over the next five weeks) and I'm hoping to take it off in record time. I have a friend who looks better now after having a second child then she has the entire time I've ever known her, so I totally have faith I can do it. Until then, I'm enjoying my first love, chocolate.

Ted's parents came to visit me today. I don't know them all that well so visiting them is SO freaking awkward. I am a shy person until you get to know me. Normally I can do well if I'm around someone who's naturally talkative, but Ted's mom is also very shy and quiet like me so it's almost impossible to find something to talk about when she's around. Then Ted's dad is very loud and is the type that everything he says is fact... like I'm totally terrified to disagree with anything he has to say. It's funny cuz he's like "Ted doesn't buy Christmas or birthday presents." Just because YOU didn't celebrate holidays when your children were young, doesn't mean Ted won't. I didn't even want to tell him that he had bought Triston a christmas present.... Plus the first thing he asked when they came was "Are you and Ted getting married?" Like way to put pressure on me. Then instead of suggesting they would be leaving soon and lingering for a few minutes it was like "Well, ready to leave?" and like got up and practically walked out of the room. Soooooo awkward! The ONLY thing I miss about my ex's family is that they were always so easy to talk to. But an alcoholic is always going to be easy to talk to lol.

Anyway that's my boring update for now. Nothing new to report.

29 weeks

So today I am exactly 29 weeks pregnant, meaning I have exactly 5 weeks left until my c-section. I keep wishing there was some pill I could take to make the time pass by more quickly. Maybe I need to start begging people to come visit me because there is only so much tv watching and magazine reading one can do.

I had a total breakdown Friday night. I started thinking about how sad I feel at night that I'm here, and that I'm not at home where I can look in at Triston sleeping. I thought to myself, what if Triston feels sad the way I do every night when he goes to bed because mama hasn't come and picked him up and taken him home at night in so long? Triston has spent the night at my parents house before and at one of his little friend's house before... sometimes even two nights in a row, but never a whole month. I know my thoughts are somewhat irrational because a toddler can't think those things, but I know that there are times where he must be wondering where I am and how come I haven't been picking him up . I also know that once I'm back home for a week or so he won't even remember that he spent the whole summer at his grandparents.

Irregardless, I totally broke down crying. I kept asking God why is this happening to me? Am I being punished for this horrible "decision" I made earlier this year? I was sobbing my eyes out. The next day I still felt the same. I've been in this hospital a whole month and haven't had one real contraction, haven't had any bleeding, haven't had any sign of infection, and all of my NSTs have been great. I just felt like there was no reason to be here. I talked to the doctor about going home, and she was really understanding and she seemed very willing to help come up with a plan if I did decide to leave, but obviously the doctors can't discharge me, I'd have to sign myself out. So I spent the whole day crying again, uncontrollably, wondering what I should do. I felt really resentful toward this baby. I didn't want a second child when I found out I was pregnant. I finally came to terms with having another child, even began to feel happy about it and then I started having problems. Then I end up in the hospital. To be honest, while time feels like it's standing still in the hospital, this pregnancy has moved WAY to fast and I'm still in disbelief that in only five weeks I'll be having a second child. Eventually my feelings subsided and I realized it was very unrealistic to think I could go back home and single-handedly manage Triston. And today I've felt better but I do miss him terribly.

This is hands down, one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. When I was in a relationship with Boorah (the ex; the baby daddy) I got myself into a lot of trouble. When we first started dating it was the normal "I'm an adult now" rebellion- smoking weed, drinking alcohol, skipping college classes, blowing my savings. I got fed up with me financing all of our fun and me trying to get ahead with my life while he did absolutely nothing (no job, no GED, no drivers license) and we broke up for a while, but I couldn't completely withdraw from him; I think I was just at that age where I loved the drama and I wanted to be needed. When he moved to Kentucky, I followed. At first he worked and he held up his part of the agreement where he would pay rent and utilities while I would pay my normal bills (credit cards, car payment, insurance), and pay for groceries and a phone. And then he stopped working and I was trying to pay my rising bills along with the expenses he was responsible for. I ruined a 770 credit score. My few items worth money suddenly started getting "stolen" and I naively thought our apartment was getting repeatedly broken in to. (Now I obviously know he did it, I mean who's apartment gets broken into 3 times?). I did things like shoplift clothes, and I set my priorities on clubbing and would often call off work so I could stay home and drink and smoke weed. There was this older guy (talking like 30 years older than me) who was a little off in the head and had money and so I took advantage of his naive-ness and would ask him for a couple hundred dollars at the beginning of the month to help pay my bills in exchange for driving him around to pay his own bills and take him grocery shopping, etc. He'd also give Boorah the pain killers he was prescribed so he could sell them to make extra money. Of course he smartened up after about two months when he realized nothing more would accumulate from our friendship, and even though I technically did nothing wrong I felt horrible for taking advantage of someone who was trying to treat me with kindness.

A week after my 22 birthday things started to really go south. I had just financed yet another car (the last one the engine blew on, and I still had a loan out on it, but I lived in the country and had to have a car in order to get to the city) and two days later got a DUI. After getting out of jail I had to walk 2 miles in heels to spend my last $100 to get my car out of the impound. Then a week later Boorah got pulled over in my vehicle and it was impounded again. I had to spend the last $100 that was left on my last credit card. After that I couldnt even afford to make credit card payments anymore. I couldn't afford anything. We had to start buying prepaid cell phones. We were almost evicted out of our apartment and had to scrape up the money to pay two months worth of rent. I couldn't drive so it was almost impossible for me to get back and forth to work, and my priorities still weren't on working. I was buying things of value on my home depot credit card and then pawning them for cash to try to come up with rent money and of course because of my screwed up priorities we always needed a few dollars left over so we could get some weed and a beer. I had huge costs to pay off my DUI and get my license back.

Eventually we got evicted out of our apartment and had to go stay with Boorah's family. 6 people staying in a two bedroom townhouse.... When we would have the gas we would drive out to our old apartment to get the mail. One day a package arrived. It was checks from a bank, sent to the wrong address. I had no job, no money, no apartment. My car payment was overdue, so I really needed a job. Gas was over $4 a gallon, I really needed gas to try to get to and from interviews. So I used the girl's checks to fill up my gas tank, to buy pizza, to buy things I needed from family dollar. Every time I did it I felt horrible. I would go back to my ex's house and retreat into his sisters bedroom and stay there for hours as if the police would catch on that quickly and were going to come arrest me that day.

Eventually I found a job, but a month into it Boorah found out the police were looking for him for credit card fraud, so we moved back to Michigan the VERY NEXT DAY and I moved back with my parents. My mistakes caught up with me. Kentucky sent out my felony warrants to other states and when I found out they were looking for me I turned myself in and spent four days in a holding cell. I had to tell my parents what I had done. In addition to this my credit was so horrible, and I was in so much debt I had to file for bankruptcy. It's crazy how much my parents love me. They paid for my bankruptcy, paid for my lawyer, took me to and from Kentucky for court, helped pay for my court expenses. All of this happened while I was pregnant with Triston. The charges resulted in a diversion, so for two years I basically couldn't get any job that required a background check, but now I have nothing whatsoever on my record. During that time in my life I vowed to change for my son- I prayed to God that if he would let my son be ok and keep my out of jail I would turn my life around- and I really did. I finally returned to the person I was before I had began dating Boorah- a sweet, honest, ambitious, hard-working young lady.

What's really funny though is that while I was going through all this turmoil during my first pregnancy, I still stayed with my ex. My family and friends were so angry and so dumbfounded as to why I couldn't see that my Boorah was the cause of all my problems. I mean he wasn't the direct cause, but now when I look at it he did indirectly cause all of my problems. I made the decisions but they were all heavily persuaded by his threats. In fact, back in Michigan I continued to let him use my car and it got "stolen" while in his possession. At first I believed it was stolen, but then 2 weeks later it turned up only TWO blocks from my house. A car does NOT get stolen IN DETROIT and end up in the suburbs. It just doesn't happen. And yet I didn't acknowledge until after I broke up with him that he somehow had something to do with it being "stolen". He must have thought he could sell it "hot" to someone or have it "stripped" and then realized he couldn't and had someone dump it by my house. I wanted to make it work because I wanted Triston to have a father and for us to be a family. I wanted to feel like our 6 years together really meant something. It meant nothing. When I look back on our relationship now I can't say there was a single moment when I felt pure joy or happiness. Every fun time we had together I financed. He treated me like shit and never did anything for me.

The point of telling this whole story to the blog (which believe me was a very very shortened version. I'm sure I could write an entire book on this experience) was because that time period of my life (dealing with a possible felony on my record, going through bankruptcy, spending 4 days in jail while I was pregnant) was one of the most difficult of my life. And yet in all honesty, this is harder. The hospital is like a prison in itself. A plushy prison, but a long term sentence. Being separated from a child you love with all your heart is unbearable. And comparing this experience to all the bullshit I went through with my ex is the only way I can think of explaining to someone how hard this process is. Is to say look at what I went through- this is WORSE than that.

So anyway, now that I've written a huge blog entry, I'm kind of inspired. Maybe I will write about my experiences with my ex... maybe a fictional biography sort of way.... don't have shit else to do. What do you think?

(Ugh the culprit himself, my ex. As disgusted I am to post this I figure at least my readers can have an idea of who I'm talking about. This is maybe 1 of like 4 pictures I have left of him (can't bear to delete any picture with Triston in it))