Hard Times

as a parent I am feeling like a failure. I didn't know you could feel this much anger towards a child. When people abuse or hurt their children you automatically see that adorable kids face and say "how could anyone do that?" but now I feel as though I can sympathize.
Triston gives me such a difficult time. I think that he may be emotionally challenged, or maybe he's just the type of child who requires a lot of attention, but I'm not dealing with him well. He screAms ans throws tantrums and about half way through the day I just lose it. I try to be patient but when you deal with almost CONSTANT high pitched screaming, its hard not to let it stress you out. I end up spanking him and screaming at him myself. I find MYSELF crying from it. I can see that he's terrified when I yell at him like this and I know that I'm teaching him to express his anger with rage and am ruining his self esteem. At least that's how I feel when I do this. It depresses me. The last thing I want is a timid child with low self worth. I wonder if he has his father's temperament, because if he has behavioral problems I want to learn how to be a supportive parent to encourage him to excel in the things he is gifted in. I have a home therapist who is going to start coming next week. I'm so happy, I think I am in need of it more than he is. I get to the point where I just don't know what to do with him and in my head I want to sock him, but I know he's just a little boy. Its a horrible feeling I'm living with and I don't have help with him unless its from my mom or Ted.

Marino on the other hand is great. He only cries when he's hungry, he's constantly smiling and I think he's on track with his developmental milestones. He may still need s helmet but his head has shaped up pretty well.

Ted will probably move in within the next 2-3 months. I think that constant make presence may help stabilize Triston as well and help me not to feel so stressed. I'm debating between finding a new job or becoming a shift manager. I have a new store manager and she's great and I think I'm quickly becoming one of her favorites.

I know my update was short and sporatic I just wanted to get these things off my chest. This is my only outlet at times and my difficulties with Foreign have certainly worn on me lately.

wow its been a while

So Marino is almost 11 weeks old! I thought he was going to need surgery for scaphocephaly but it turns out his sutures aren't fused which is obviously a good thing. He's cooing and lifting his head up somewhat. I can't tell if his ocassional smiles are real or just gas.he's still a little behind where a 2 month old should be IMO but he is a Preemie. He's about 9lbs.

The hardest part is the lack of sleep, he still gets up every 3-4 hours at night. I had one fluke where he slept almost 7hrs but only the one time. Triston doesn't pay much attention to him but will be sweet to him from time to time.

Ted is pretty good. Every time he's at my apartment he will get up with the baby and sleeps downstairs so I can rest. Sometimes I do feel cheated because I never get a true night to myself. Every time I go out alone I'm grocery shopping or feel rushed. It'd be nice to go out one night and then have the whole next day to myself. Who knows, some people say dreams do come. True. Lol

Good days and bad days

I have two babies, let me make that perfectly clear. One is 2, the other is 1 month old. Their sleep doesn't always coordinate, which means less sleep for me. Which means, which I drink wine, I'm likely to wake up with a headache. Ugh. Most days it is fine, but today was one of those days.
Things that change when you have two young children- you have to take out the garbage EVERYDAY.  You have to sweep the kitchen floor EVERYDAY. Vacuum- EVERYDAY. I haven't showered since Saturday. I am hoping to shower tomorrow. But I love it. Every second of it.

I have business ambitions. I want to own night clubs, restaurants, consignment shops. But my real focus and passion is I have this amazing idea for a hair care, skin care, and make up line... and I'll leave it at that. I don't want to put my ideas too out there. I also want to start a youtube webisode series.... Hopefully I can make it all happen. I feel like a real mommy now with two children. I feel amazing. I have a family. I can't be told shit from my parents now, because I'm the one giving orders.

Anyway I want to lose another 10lbs... really I'd LOVE to lose 20, but I know Ted wouldn't be feeling it. I'm losing weight quickly. Just started "working out" yesterday. My "work outs" mostly consist of stretching, dancing to MTV jams, and trying to get squats, lunges, and sit ups in where I can. I'll get there though. I am determined to be one of those hot moms, a do it all mom. I want to be beautiful while being a fun, good mom to my children, while also pursuing my dreams. And that's where i'm at right now

Marino is 4 weeks old!

My baby has been home for 10 days now. He's doing great. In fact I think he ate too much tonight! Triston loves being a big brother... or at least he's not jealous yet. He likes to imitate the things Marino does. As for myself, I'm doing good. I love my baby very much but sometimes I do feel guilty. I made a lot of mistakes and was very selfish during my pregnancy but I didn't understand why things were happening to me. I think it made me take a step back and enjoy spending time with my family. I'm not constantly trying to get out of the house the second Ted shows up. I've been out of the hospital for a month and haven't bought a single item of clothing for myself. Maybe I'm too tired to think about partying or maybe my priorities have just changed. I think I've grown as a person over the summer even though this has been a less than spectacular year for me. The most difficult thing right now is trying to be more of a disciplinarian toward Triston but I'm working on it. Ted is doing great as a dad, he even lets me get like a good 6-7 hours of sleep in the nights that he's here. I'm breastfeeding though, so by the time I get up my boobs feel like bricks. Overall, things are good.
I will try to blog more, but obviously my time is limited right now. There is so much I want to say but I'm literally blogging while I'm doing a feeding so more will come later!

Marino's here!

I got my wish and got to deliver Marino on Sunday! So his birthday is August 28th 2011, 5:46pm. He came out weighing 4lbs 13oz and was 18.5 inches. He'll have to be in the NICU for a little while until he starts breathing completely on his own and eating better but besides that he has absolutely no health problems! As much as I complained hospital bed rest was worth it. He is so perfect! His little head needs some shaping, but besides that he is good. He's got lots of hair and his nose & mouth look like Triston, but his eyes and forehead look like Ted's.

Less than 100 hours

I am 33w4d pregnant. I've been in the hospital for 63 days and my c-section is in 4 days.

Pretty pathetic that I'm actually counting down the hours isn't it? It's 6pm, so about 92 hours left... yeah, it's that serious.

A lot of adjectives come to mind when I think about how I'm feeling: anxious, excited, nervous, scared, happy, unrealistic, uncertain. Looking back, I can barely believe that I have been in this hospital for two whole months. I understand that I'm gonna be Marino's mom in a few days, but it doesn't seem real. This entire hospital stay I have been so focused on going home, and I still feel like that is my focus. Sure the NST's look great, but that doesn't say much about how the baby is going to be, and I am very scared to feel excited about something that may not be garunteed.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and the technician said he weighs 3lbs 15oz. I'm not quite sure how accurate their readings are, but that seems to me to be a little small considering how far along I am. I thought most babies at this point were past the 4lb mark. I know Marino can't go home until he is 4lbs and considering babies lose a few ounces after they are born, he might just have to stay in the hospital for a few days. I don't really look at this as a bad thing. If he stays I can actually go shopping for him and be prepared. I just want everything to be ok with him though. I don't want him to have breathing problems or have cerebral palsy. Yesterday Ted & I were watching one of those baby shows and this lady had a baby who's one hand didn't form because of the way the baby was lying in her pelvis. The thought definitely freaked Ted out (it also scared me, but I didn't want to let on) because the baby is laying sideways in my stomach. What if the toes or fingers on his hands or feet didn't form correctly? I know the doctor said clubbed hands or feet are a possibility and that those things can be fixed, but it doesn't make me any more prepared for that possibility. Ted finally brought up the subject of adoption after that tv show, asking under what pretenses I'd want to give a baby up for adoption. And I said if he had needs so bad that he'd never be able to walk or had severe brain  impairment, or would have to wear a diaper his whole life. I mean those things wouldn't make me say "that's it, I can't care for him," but in reality certain things would be out of our financial spectrum and out of my ability to be patient. Regardless of any problems, I'm going to love my child and I would want for it to be an open adoption where I could see him as much as possible, or maybe place him in the care of a facility where I could visit him and take him home with me on weekends and holidays. But I would never want to feel like I'm abandoning my child and those options make me feel that way. I was surprised though at how shallow Ted was about the situation. He was like "you can't do shit in life without hands," as if he didn't hear the doctors on tv say the problem was fixable... as if prostetics aren't available. Sometime's it makes me mad because he acts as if the only careers in life are either athletic or in the entertainment industry. I think he is just scared though as well.

It is cute to see Ted do a lot of things I did when I was pregnant with Triston. He put together the pack n play he has at his house and cleaned his bedroom. He asked what he should buy from the store before Monday. My parents have also FINALLY gone to my house and done a little cleaning for me, which I totally appreciate. Apparently, parts of my apartment have been painted since I've been gone. He also thought about throwing a party a week or two after Triston's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese so we could celebrate Triston's birthday and also invite people to come and meet the new baby. I was really surprised how thoughtful he was to think of something for fun Triston and that included both kids. At first I was like "No, I don't want any parties, I'm too tired, I don't have the money, etc" but once he mentioned the idea and how it would include both kids i thought it was really nice.

Even though a lot of my feelings and emotions have changed, I don't feel guilty for the things I've thought and said over the last few months. The resentment, the guilt, the anger, the inability to understand... all of those thinsg were fueled by hormones, and frankly a depression that came with not only have an unexpected pregnancy but having to stay in a hospital for two months. I don't care anymore about the mean and insensitive things that people have said. No one can know how I feel being here, even if they've been in a similar situation. My situation in unique, everyone's situation is unique, so you can't tell me how to think and feel. I knew those feelings were superficial. I've felt love for this kid the second I found out I was pregnant. I felt love for Triston the second I found out I was pregnant with him but there doesn't mean there have been times in the last two years where I haven't thought about what my life would be like without him or there haven't been times where I've gotten mad at him irrationally and said things I didn't mean.

Today, right now at this very moment, I feel kind of blah. It's funny because part of me would STILL like to go into labor before Monday, but I know it's not worth trying any silly antics. Silly me keeps looking at the clock thinking that it might actually just stop at any moment and I'll be stuck here forever. I actually got used to this hospital routine. All those things I longed for- shopping and being at home, cleaning, seeing friends, going out- I feel like I have to learn to do those all again. And now the complication of trying to do those things around Ted's schedule, or with two kids on board will just make things all the more difficult. I do plan to get my hair done before Ted goes back to work though. One thing I actually understand is that "pampering myself" with manicure's & pedicure's & quiet shopping trips the way I did when it was just Triston will be much more few and far between. So yes, I definitely think I deserve to go get my hair done before Ted goes back to work. Not only will it make me feel good about myself, but cutting a few inches off will make doing my hair a lot easier with two little kids around. Besides that I just worry about how I'm actually going to buy groceries, or get my DHS benefits straightened out.

I might not post again for a while. Maybe I will one more time on Saturday before Marino is born. I am planning a busy day Sunday. I'm going to take the world's longest shower and shave (so that I can hopefully get in a few weeks without shaving once I get home), do a facial, paint my nails, visit with my parents and then visit with Kristal- who is going to straighten my hair. And of course Ted will be up here and I plan to catch my Sunday TV lineup (which I thoroughly enjoy) from 8-11, because I doubt I'll catch it. I also plan to eat a hardy meal close to midnight, considering I'll be going on a very strict, healthy diet starting that very next day. I really want to post about Marino's outcome (good or bad) but I may be very busy and might not get around to it for a while. I'm sure this is no big deal considering I'm probably the only person in cyberspace who reads this blog anyway, but I feel it's important. If someone dealing with oligohydramnios, pprom, or hospital bed rest stumbles upon this, it'll help give them perspective. So with that, I'm signing off!

I'm upset that no one understands

32w5d pregnant. 10 days until my c-section. 8 weeks on hospital bed rest.

It makes me so mad that no one understands my situation. No one who PERSONALLY knows me can understand. I've never had any friends who've been on hospital bed rest. My parents & boyfriend can't understand my anxiety and need to go home. 

Some of these group boards make me mad too. My little secret, my little decision isn't something that people just OPENLY discuss and therefore even people in situations similar to mine will NEVER understand what it is I'm going through. I want to tell people. I really do, I want to just share it with the world. But I'm not ready for the repercussions and the nasty comments. What I need is support and I'm not going to find it- ANYWHERE.

I didn't want a second child. At least not right now in my life. I was happy with EVERYTHING in my life. I was happy with my education, I was happy with my apartment and the way it was set up. I was happy being the single mother to a 2 year old who was still occasionally allowed to be herself and go out. Now everything is changing. I'm gonna have to stay up all night and day. I'm going to  have to figure out how to fit two boys into a small room, how to temporarily put a crib in my room, how to fit baby toys into my living room. I'm going to have to boil kettles of water for bottles and use a diaper genie and change the diapers of not 1, but 2 boys. Ted is trying to force change upon me. Force me to get a better job, force me to pay more in rent by moving to another apartment (which will probably be smaller than the one I already have).

And people on these stupid support groups have the nerve to say "I can't believe you want your baby to stay in the hospital" "I can't believe you want to have your baby early." Try being pulled away from your son for two whole months. I'm his stability! I'm the one who bathes him, clothes him, feeds him, soothes him. I don't know this person in my stomach. I don't know if he'll live or die. I want to be with what I know. Now, heaven forbid, I know I sound like a horrible person. Will I love this baby? Of course. Will I try to be the absolute best mother I can be? Yes. Will I try to be a better new mommy to him then I was to Triston? Hell yeah. But that does not change the way I feel now. This pregnancy is a total joke, a total sham. Throw me in a fucking hospital. It's really some sort of punishment from God or something. Like a two months meditation that I didn't ask for. And I haven't found any answers. Of course I'm going to want to get out of here as soon as possible. I waited til I got to 28 weeks. Then I waited til 31. Then I waited til 32. Really? Am I that bad of a person for wanting to get out of the hospital 10 days early? Maybe I am. Maybe I am, but it's how I feel. If I could have some sort of control over the emotions in my body, the thoughts in my head, then I would tell myself to stick it out. And honestly, I HAVE stuck it out. I didn't sign an AMA and leave like I wanted to FIVE weeks ago. Walking and eating spicy food hoping something might happen isn't a sin. I'm not sneaking castor oil into the hospital or risking an infection by having sex, I'm simply PRAYING that I can have a little normalcy before this baby arrives. Apparently, according to these know-it-all blog goers, that makes me a bad person.