I like to use numbers because I can relate to numbers. Numbers don't display the levels of boredom I feel, or the sadness I feel. They are impersonal and create a system that's simple to follow.
Yesterday was so busy that I didn't even get a chance to post, even though I wanted to. My mexican roommate left at about 8am for her c section and I actually had about 12 hours of peace before they wheeled the next roommate in. And I had a lot of visitors.
First my manager from Arby's came. I've worked about Arby's for two years. I really don't want or plan to return there once I get out of here, but she brought me training materials to become a shift manager, and I guess if I had to return there I at least have the potential to make more than what I was making before. In all honesty, she has showed more concern than any of my friends since I have been in the hospital. She has called three times, and she and her two daughters were up here for almost two hours. She also brought me some magazines which I thought was nice. And it was actually nice to talk about what was going on at work. As much as I don't want to return there, it's a familiar place to me and hear about the different antics going on was amusing.
After she left my parents came up here with Triston. At first I wasn't going to tell them I saw a therapist, but I decided that I should. Even though I only saw him once, I've already made a vow to myself to try to express my feelings better. I kept telling my parents how much I appreciate them watching him and I can't imagine how difficult it is and hopefully they'll never have to do anything like this ever again with any other grandchildren. I absolutely love seeing Triston. I'm so happy when he comes to see me, even though he spends most of the time playing. It is extremely difficult to see him leave though. I feel like a part of me dies everytime I see his little stroller roll past my point of vision God, what a depressing thing to even think about.
After they left my boyfriend, Ted, came up here with some McDonalds. Also, my friend Kristal and my friend Gerald came up. Really we're all mutual friends, so this was nice. Kristal flat ironed my hair which is nice, it gives me a chance to not feel super hideous! Even though I have no one to impress while I'm here I decided I'm gonna do my hair on certain days just to occupy my time and feel good about myself.
So you would think with everyone coming to visit me I would have had a happy day. But really I felt kind of down. As nice as it is to have people visit I couldn't help but think about how they could leave and return to their normal lives while I am stuck. Apparently, Ted's mother and aunt are on their way. That's kind of awkward for me because I don't really know them, so I for the most part don't know what to talk to them about. I mean, it's not like I have any interesting information to share.
What I really wanted to talk about in this post is when I first found out I was pregnant. I was 16 weeks, almost 17 weeks. My emotions were very mixed. I was very happy with the way things were with my life. I like the way my apartment is set up and I felt it was perfect for me and Triston. So automatically I think about how things would change in my household. I worried about how a new baby would affect Triston, or if I'd be able to love another baby as much as Triston. I didn't want to necessarily try to move with my boyfriend (I'm on section 8 and moving would mean taking on more responsibilities with my bills which financially I wasn't ready to do). Part of me felt happy for Ted because a doctor had told him he most likely would never have children and he is so great with Triston that I know he'd be a great father. I was scared about not being able to finish school, and day care expenses. I thought about having an abortion, but an abortion that far along is actually killing a fetus, a baby, not an embryo that looks like a sack of nothing on an ultrasound screen. I was terrified to tell my parents, or anyone else. I thought people would look at me and think this girl has two kids, two years apart with different fathers, and assume I was a ho. I thought people would look at the fact I work at a fast food restaurant and receive all sorts of public assistance and think I want to have a kid to use the system or think I wasn't smart about making decisions.
It's basically something I just had to come to terms with. It did take a while but eventually it settled in with me and I started to become happy about having another kid. Basically when I started having complications, having an abortion wasn't even an option to me anymore. Other concerns of mine was the drinking I had done before I knew I was pregnant. I only was drinking about twice a week, sometimes it'd only be one glass of wine. The times I was the most concerned about would be the nights when my boyfriend and I would go on dates and I would drink excessively, and of course it would be hard liquor. Those times weren't all that often, but it scared me. It still does, but I do think the baby will be fine.
Despite all these problems I think the baby will be fine. His heartbeat is great, and at the last ultrasound they could see his lungs taking practice breaths.
I feel my post today was incredibly dull, but I'm honestly distracted. My boyfriend's mom coming makes me nervous. Hopefully they won't stay long and hopefully I won't feel too awkward. At least he gave me the proper forewarning!
(Me&Kristal)
